Owning your truth

Have you felt that you are at the end of everything?

That you have reached the point of no return?

That’s exactly how I have felt these last weeks, my face aches from my fake smile and my heart aches for my truth.

Sometimes in life you don’t actually realise that you are living a lie, you have even managed to convince yourself of the pretense.

What do you do when you see the light? When finally, the sticky tape that has been holding you together gives up and reality all comes spilling out like a raging river.

What do you do?

I hope you weren’t hoping for me to have the answers, I actually have no idea.

What I do have is my first step.

No more bullsh*t, no more fake smiles, no more pretending.

If I start with truth, then maybe truth will be the guide I need for my next step.

I’m tired of being ok with things that are not ok, tired of other people assuming their opinions are my own. Tired of saying yes when I really want to say no, tired of just not being me.

I hate that I do this to myself, I encourage others to search for their truth when I’m not owning my own.

I hate being a people pleaser, there is a difference between wanting to support, guide and love on others than just bending to the will.

Seriously,I am simply my own worst enemy, biting my lip so hard it bleeds when I know I am entitled to my own opinion and my own wishes.

Why do I do this, why do so many of us do this as I know I am far from alone?

Have we become scared of being uncomfortable?

Have we just become accepting of settling?

Do we not deserve to live our lives fully and wholeheartedly?

 

I know I have changes to make, people that need to hear me. In fact, I’m sure that nearly everyone reading this wants something more in their lives.

So, join me and start taking back your own truth, start living your life fuller and wider.

Remember those that love you, but also remember that you must love yourself.

This life is a journey but its an one time deal, so make it the best you can, be true to you and others will know your truth to them.

I cannot always vote for a woman just because I am a woman

I’m getting so tired of being told I should always vote for the woman.

That to be part of the woman’s movement I have to vote this way to make sure more woman have a place in power.

That it’s my duty as a woman.

I would love to see more woman in power and one day again have a woman prime minister but we only have to go back to the time of a Thatcher government to know that a female in charge isn’t always the best policy and yes I know I only have to look to the current government to know than a man in power can be just as dangerous.

I do believe in woman and I know that this world is full of some incredible, inspiring females and yes I really do want to see more woman in positions of power but what really matters to me is the character of a person not the gender.

So I’m sorry if I offend people by saying that I won’t vote for all women.

I just won’t.

My vote, my support will go to the person I believe in.

The person who believes in equality for all regardless of gender, ethnicity, sexuality and financial worth.

I want all people to have a voice in this world.

I want to vote for someone who believes in fighting for all.

Who will stand up against the big corporations and the elite.

Who will speak out when others won’t.

Who has the courage to ask the awkward questions.

Who believes that we can have a fair society.

I am a great believer in woman.

I do think we are pretty amazing and I’m sure that there are many woman that fit all of the above. But I’m also sure that those woman will be asking me to vote on these qualities and convictions not their gender.

As the year comes to an end…..

So its the end of another year.

A lot has happened in the last 365 days.

I became the parent to all teenagers

Then a few months later I became the parent of an adult. (crazy)

I also then had to wave the said adult off as she left for university

It has truly been a crazy year, at times it has felt my feet have barely touched the ground.

We are still fostering a handsome young man with special needs and he is certainly keeping us on our toes.

Livvy’s Smile is doing well, we have held some fantastic memory making days and been busy fundraising. We have also had our story featured in a weekly woman’s magazine.

Personally I have had my writing published in a book and also walked the catwalk as a plus size model.

It’s honestly been a go go year.

As I wave 2014 goodbye I do so with two emotions.

Pride and exhaustion.

Proud of all we have achieved.

Exhausted, well simply by achieving all we have achieved.

I am super excited for 2015 though.

I have so many hopes for this forthcoming year.

In September I start at university, this is something I have dreamed of for such a long time and I cannot tell you how excited I am.

I’m also modelling again at Style XL and have a couple of photo shoots already lined up.

We may be adding another foster child to our family, and the girls are still trying hard to drive me completely insane.

So yes 2015 I am looking forward to you.

But while I am not making any new year resolutions I am making myself some promises.

Firstly I’m going to learn how to take time for myself.

Allowing myself space to breath, stop feeling guilty about wanting time out.

Also working on my health and fitness, continue with my swimming and working on my diet, as in healthy food not weight loss (not that I wouldn’t mind shifting a pound or twenty). I’m also going to try and stop stressing about things i cannot change and stop letting others have power over me. Anxiety has had me for the last 38 years, no more.

Secondly I’m going to work harder on my marriage.

It’s so easy after 19 years of being with the same man to take him for granted. To take each other for granted. I want to work on cherishing each other, spending quality time together and having fun. Reminding my husband that I still love every inch of him and that i find him sexier now than ever.

Thirdly Im going to work on believing in myself more.

For too long I have let myself down, rejected compliments or turned away opportunities because I didn’t believe I could do them.

This next year is going to be different.

I am a bright, intelligent woman and I am going to embrace all that I am. Negativity and self disbelief can stay in 2014 where it belongs.

This woman is going places.

Fourthly I’m going to have fun and make more memories.

This year I want to be more spontaneous and just enjoy the moment.

Let go and just take each day as it comes.

Play more with the kids and generally try not to stress as much as I do.

 

So there you go, my 2015 promises to myself.

Still before this year comes to an end i want to thank all my readers for the support that they have given me.

Blogging has afforded me many opportunities but the greatest of all these has been the people I have connected with in real life and here in the virtual world.

Your comments, emails, tweets have all lifted me when I was low.

Inspired me when I was lost and loved me when I was lonely.

I started blogging in 2008 for different reasons than I write now, but as always in 2015 this blog will be my heart.

What you read is simply who I am.

Heart on my sleeve

Words on the page.

So with that I would like to say…….

BLOG NEW YEAR

Christmas shopping and kids who have the nerve to grow up.

Christmas shopping, its one of those things that you either love or hate.

It’s something you look forward to with either excited anticipation or pure horror.

Personally I switch between both feelings.

I actually love buying gifts but I hate the crowds of people that seem to appear from anywhere and  everywhere.

Last year I actually got bruises from one shopping trip.

My Christmas shopping experiences have really changed over the years.

Ten years ago I could pretty much guarantee the girls would love everything I chose for them.

Now as they have got older its seriously like walking a tightrope and I promise i have fallen off many times.

One of the things I used to really love to do was shopping for the christmas outfits.

Dressing the girls up in pretty sparkly outfits brought new for this special day.

I think if I tried to dress my girls this year there may be war.

Even though i try to email my girls photos of nice dresses or outfits I get a reply that normally says “REALLY” or the lest polite “DREAM ON”.

Seems where my older two are concerned I am best handing over the cash as they hit town with their friends or just pressing checkout on the baskets they send me via email links.

Seriously why do our children have to grow up, how inconsiderate of them.

Anyway thank goodness for my youngest who is still willing to humour me and sit beside me as we surf the web for an Christmas outfit.

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30 minutes and one Christmas outfit later I am a happy mommy again thank you Esprit

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ideas are my own