Owning your truth

Have you felt that you are at the end of everything?

That you have reached the point of no return?

That’s exactly how I have felt these last weeks, my face aches from my fake smile and my heart aches for my truth.

Sometimes in life you don’t actually realise that you are living a lie, you have even managed to convince yourself of the pretense.

What do you do when you see the light? When finally, the sticky tape that has been holding you together gives up and reality all comes spilling out like a raging river.

What do you do?

I hope you weren’t hoping for me to have the answers, I actually have no idea.

What I do have is my first step.

No more bullsh*t, no more fake smiles, no more pretending.

If I start with truth, then maybe truth will be the guide I need for my next step.

I’m tired of being ok with things that are not ok, tired of other people assuming their opinions are my own. Tired of saying yes when I really want to say no, tired of just not being me.

I hate that I do this to myself, I encourage others to search for their truth when I’m not owning my own.

I hate being a people pleaser, there is a difference between wanting to support, guide and love on others than just bending to the will.

Seriously,I am simply my own worst enemy, biting my lip so hard it bleeds when I know I am entitled to my own opinion and my own wishes.

Why do I do this, why do so many of us do this as I know I am far from alone?

Have we become scared of being uncomfortable?

Have we just become accepting of settling?

Do we not deserve to live our lives fully and wholeheartedly?

 

I know I have changes to make, people that need to hear me. In fact, I’m sure that nearly everyone reading this wants something more in their lives.

So, join me and start taking back your own truth, start living your life fuller and wider.

Remember those that love you, but also remember that you must love yourself.

This life is a journey but its an one time deal, so make it the best you can, be true to you and others will know your truth to them.

Dr Maya Angelou

I was sat watching the sea when I heard the news.

 

My daughter phoned me when I was away to ask me if I had heard the news.

 

Dr Maya Angelou had died.

 

As the waves crashed against the shore.

 

I cried.

images-3

 

I didn’t know Dr Maya Angelou but when I read ” I know why the cage bird sings” it simply changed me.

Her strength, her determination got me through some dark days.

Her words gave me hope when I didn’t believe in it.

Even when life became lighter her words were still my inspiration.

I devoured her books, her writing, her poetry with a passion.

Her grit, 

Her courage

They filled my heart.

 

Dr Maya Angelou was a fighter, her advocacy in civil rights is a legacy on it’s own.

“She lived a life as a teacher, activist, artist and human being. She was a warrior for equality, tolerance and peace.”

 

Her families statement honour the beautiful lady she was.

 

I am so thankful for the words Dr Maya Angelou shared with the world.

 

Her writings were often close to the inner workings of my mind.

 

I bear one of her quotes on my arm.

1002461_10151708989504347_875581067_n

 

This quote is so true for the writer in me.

 

Yet it’s another which I live my life by.

 

“People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

 

 

Dr Maya Angelou you have left this world a brighter richer place.

 

Your poetry, your stories, your voice have all left such a lasting legacy for the world.

 

Your were an inspiration to many.

 

You were my hope and strength.

 

Thank you Dr Maya Angelou for never giving up.

 

“Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God.”

 

Bless Heaven Dr Maya Angelou as you blessed the earth.

 

Making changes

For as long as my mind and my heart knows I have been responsible, but for longer than that I believe I have had a desire to be responsible.

To be able to fix, change, make things right.

But sometimes you can’t and its this knowledge this acceptance I am finally allowing myself this year.

You see if I don’t I will crumble.

It’s like I’ve been using my reserves, the last of my strength for so long that I simply have nothing left.

20130516-001819.jpg
My health has paid a hefty price.

My heart a lot more.

So 2013 has been a learning curve for me.

I cannot be all things to everyone, it simply isn’t possible.

This doesn’t mean I stop loving people or wishing them well. Of course I do but I have to put certain things first, certain people first.

My beautiful daughters, some may look at them and see happy healthy young ladies and yes they are all that but scratch a little below the surface and you will see three incredible young souls who have faced more heartbreak in their young lives that many will every see in a lifetime.

You will see three overly empathic children who feel the burden of pain for the outside world. Why because they understand, they relate more than they ever should.

You will also see three young ladies in the journey from childhood to adulthood with all the stresses and pain that journey alone can bring.

I want to be their strength, their place of comfort.

My marriage, yes I am blessed with a great guy but together we have been to hell and back. Both so very heartbroken and not knowing how to voice that pain. We have had to take time to remind ourselves of happiness and work on making it happen again.

I want to be the wife this wonderful frustrating man deserves.

My health , stress plays an evil game both on the mind and the body. At times my body feels so battle weary. The chronic pain drives me slowly insane. I need to focus on letting go of the stress and that overload of adrenaline that causes this heart of mine to flutter.

I want to be able to be healthy enough to enjoy life.

My job, I use these words tenderly as my job is maybe one of the best in the world. I have been given the change to love upon a child. To help make a difference. It isn’t easy anyone who has every cared for a special needs child could vouch for this, but it is so very worth it.

I want to keep making that difference.

Myself, for a long time this was where the shortfall would happen. Never giving myself time, never believing in who I am.

This needs to change, to be all of the above I need to love myself more.

I need to allow myself to live my dreams.

I need allow myself time.

So yes it’s been a season of change, but it’s been good. I am finally on the journey to self acceptance.

To look into who I am and say “you know what you are ok”.

To receive a compliment and say “thank you” without the need to lower my head and turn away.

But to continue in this journey I have to make changes, to prioritise.

I remember back in school a teacher telling me that “I couldn’t be everything to everyone”

She was right, though at the time I disagreed I just believed I needed to try harder.

Trying harder isn’t always the answer.

My life lesson.

20130516-002639.jpg

I may not be strong but I have strength.

On Saturday I attended a woman’s conference working as an advocate for Compassion UK. It was a great day and before I left 6 children had been lifted out of poverty in Jesus name. 6 with new sponsors and at the beginning of a new life.

The guest speaker for the conference was Jeff Lucas. I had read a few of Jeff’s books but have never heard him speak before.

To be honest he was pretty amazing. He challenges you in a way that leaves you wanting, no needing to do more.

To challenge yourself to live the best life you can.

One statement he left us with was

” There are no strong people just people with strengths.”

This really hit home as I find myself at this time not feeling strong at all.

Yet some how I move forward.

Somehow I find the strength to face what’s coming.

I have strengths

I have weaknesses.

They are mine and mine to own.

They are what makes me unique.

The building blocks in the tower of my life.

I may not be strong but I have strengths.

The strength from the love of my children.

The strength from the love of my husband.

The strength from my friends.

The strength from my faith.

Faith
Children
Marriage
Friendship

I am not always strong but I have strength.

Becoming who you really are

20120904-012522.jpg

How true is the above quote, to stand up for what you believe. To grow into the person you wish to be.

To avoid the influence from the outside and to just listen to your inside.

To allow the ticking of your heart to be the beat that you walk your life too.

I struggle so much with who
I am. This tends from my childhood this I know.

So I want so much to make sure my children know who they are.

Have the freedom to be who they wish to be.

I want them to be able to write the script of their own hearts.

It will take courage, it will take
strength but I promise to be by their sides.

My daughters, my heart.

Explaining Me

I’ve been thinking a lot about scripture and how some verses just cling to your hearts. They pop up in your thoughts at given times.

When you are exhausted you can one think of one with strength.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
(Psalms 46:1-1, NIV)

When you are lost, one reminds you of direction.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
(Psalms 32:8, NIV)

When you are scared one reminds you to trust.

Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
(Isaiah 26:4, NIV)

I have many that inspire, consume and replenish my soul.

The verse you see below was the inspiration behind naming this blog it is one I hold dear to my heart. I know my life has been blessed many times by angels.

Remember to welcome strangers because some that have done this have welcomed angels without knowing it. Hebrews, 13.1

Yet the last 6 months I’ve been searching for something that will explain me.

I get a lot of people asking me how I do what I do, how I’ve survived what I have.

20120121-020817.jpg

This simply explains it all. I don’t do it alone , all that I do, all that I achieve is because of and through Christ Jesus.