Capture those moments

My friend today shared a photo of Livvy and I today on her Facebook, its so lovely to see but it does really hit home of one of the greatest mistakes I made in Livvy’s life.

Not being in photographs with her.

You see I think I have three or maybe four photos of Livvy and I. My fear of being photographed actually has robbed me of precious memories of my darling girl.

How often do you find yourself saying “ I will take the photo” “Oh not with me, I’ve not done my hair, makeup.” I have an endless list of escape sentences that I now regret so much.

You see my daughters didn’t care how I looked they just wanted memories that I was visible in. I wouldn’t have cared how I looked to have images of me holding my precious girl, moments I could close my eyes and recapture in my mind.

Yet I cannot go back no matter how often I wish I could, but I can make changes and slowly I have been, pushing myself in front of the camera instead of behind.

Adopting Daniel and the level of his complexity has hit home again the fact that we are not promised forever and so I have made sure we all have precious memories to hold on too. So this is why for Mother’s Day this year I treated myself to a Mother and child photoshoot and its been one of the most amazing things I have done and honestly  I will cherish the images forever.

Choosing a photographer you trust is paramount especially if you are like me and are petrified of having your photo took. I went with Baby tree photography .

Liza is so amazing, we came across her when she photographed a friends christening and she is so lovely, she captured Daniel’s dedication in September and the characters of the guests were just so visible in her images and Daniel well is just completely gorgeous anyway.

I attended her studio a little nervous but within minutes I was relaxed and actually excited. I did wonder how Daniel would react to the day as he gets sensory overload and often just switches off in new environment but he was a complete star and honestly I think the images speak for themselves. I cannot thank Liza enough I look at the photos and my heart just beats with joy. The moment she captured will be a moment I get to forever cherish “A Mama and her son.”.

Honestly if I can challenge you all to do something this year it would be to capture those moments, don’t be like me wishing you had.

 

Magic in the moments 

Wow I cannot believe it’s Christmas Eve already. I’m quite sure someone came to me in my sleep and stole away the last few months. It truly only feels like it’s September and that the kids have just gone back to school. 

It’s a stark reminder how quick life can pass you by. How easy it is to get caught up in the stresses and chaos of life that you actually forget to live.

Over the last few weeks a couple of my friends have faced the ultimate pain of losing those they love. Watching them walk this painful pathway has made me think a lot about the way I’m allowing life stress me out. How I’m forgetting that each day is a gift that needs to be lived.

Livvy taught me about the “magic of the moment” but I think that somehow without her to remind me I’ve lost this a little. 

My life is going to be busy in 2016, along with my family, my Universty course I have also become active in my local Labour branch. All these things are important to me and will require my time and energy. Yet I also have to remind myself to focus on the magic of the moment. 

So as I wish you all a Merry Christmas I also ask you to join with me and as we head towards the new year looking forward with a sense of anticipation. 

Be excited for all that’s to come but also remember to carefully find your magic in the moments. 

Laugh until your sides ache.

Cry until you hiccup

And love with all your heart.

Find the magic in the moments, create those memories and make each day count.

Merry Christmas to you all xxxx
  

Life is a roller coaster

Today I’m feeling really reflective. I guess birthdays often have that effect on people.

I’m 39 today.

I look at that number and it freaks me out. The following one the big 40 is so scary.

I never used to really consider age.

I’m remember turning 30 was hard for me. I think for a long time I had thought of my parents as being in their 30’s, so I was freaked out that I had reached it.

Yet wow 40 that’s gonna bite.

My 30’s have been one hell of a decade. I have faced more than I could have ever imagined.

Losing Olivia very nearly destroyed me if it hadn’t been for her legacy of strength and her beautiful sisters I’m not sure I would be here.

It’s certainly been a decade of pain.
Still it’s also been one with some hope.

I’ve found a job that I love. I have had my life blessed by children who are not mine from birth but are mine of heart.

I have made fantastic strides in my writing. Seen myself published and had many wonderful experiences thanks to the gift of words.

I’ve also been on what I call “my journey of self loving”. Finally learning to love myself as I am, not how I felt I should be. Modelling and walking a catwalk are things I never ever imagined I would achieve.

My life has been blessed with new friends, yet my heart aches for those that turned away too . Never expected it to be like this and I do desperately have a void in my heart. I miss them.

So I guess it’s been a roller coaster decade. The Ronan Keating song is running about my head on a crazy loop.

“Life is a roller coaster and you just got to ride it”.

 

How blooming true is this!

The ups and downs of my particular ride well, has left me either screaming with joy or sick to my stomach.

Yet my decade isn’t over. From today I have another 364 days to make it count.

I want to push my boundaries before the end of this year.

To challenge myself more.

To make those memories and maybe tip the scales of this decade to the side of the light not the darkness.

To one of joy not pain.

So here’s where I need your help.

What crazy memory making things have you done that you would like to share?

Special places you have been?

Art that needs to be seen?

Books that need to be read?

Food that needs to be tasted.

Sunsets that need to be watched.

I want to really live these last days of my 30’s. I want the decade to hold more joy that pain ( if thats possible).

Help me remember my 30’s with a smile rather than tears.

Not guaranteed 

It’s been a crazy week already and it’s only Wednesday . 

I’m exhausted and emotional all rolled into one. 

As a family we have had a hard reminder about the fragility of life. 

It’s because of this I want to take the time to remind you all to make those memories.

Make plans for those days out, quality times with those you love.

Leave the housework and enjoy the sunshine.

Sit and read that book you have had on your shelf for a while.

Start saving for that trip you have always dreamed to take.

Send a card to someone you know could do with a little lifting .

Be impulsive.

Hug more and laugh louder.

I know the bills will still come and the jobs will still need to be done but let us remember how blessed we really are.

When we learned of Livvy’s syndrome we decided then to make the moments matter and thankfully we have some amazing memories that we cherish dearly.

Still the last few years we have found ourselves not doing this as much. We get caught up in the stresses and worries more than in the moments.

The wake up call this week has reminded us of the need to live more. 

To enjoy more and to experience life rather than trudge our way through it.

I’m also passing on this reminder. 

Make those memories, create those smiles and share those hugs. 

Because let’s be honest, the one thing we can guarantee about life is that it’s not actually guaranteed.

I was scared I had forgotten.

Last night I was struggling to sleep my mind was on overdrive and my thoughts were raging.

I had tried to remember a trip I had taken 6 years ago, the memory spurred by a friends comment.

But I couldn’t remember, I knew the day had happened and I had fragments of moments but the whole day was just slipping over the corners of my mind.

I cried.

No that’s a lie I sobbed.

You see I cannot forget.

I cannot lose those moments of time.

Times when I had four daughters by my side.

When the quartet was whole.

My memories are so precious, they are all I have to hold on to of Livvy.

All I have to wrap around my heart.

I cannot forget.

So last night the tears fell.

I searched every corner of my mind for this day, for those moments.

But still they didn’t come.

Then in pure exhaustion as I closed my eyes to sleep the day returned.

The memory sprang from Its deep hiding place and gave me peace.

The laughter.

The joy.

The gift of my memories.

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Life is so fragile.

We often don’t realise this until it’s gone.

So I say to all, make those memories now.

Share those moments.

Because someday your memories will be the greatest gift you have.

Or the greatest gift you could give.