Tag Archives: family

Losing my balance

There is a saying that “if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans”. Well I think the same should be said for Daniel as soon as I told him about my excitement to attend Blog on Xmas last weekend we then ended up on our local children’s ward.

All joking aside whilst I was gutted to miss the blogging conference being by his side is exactly where I want to be.

Thankfully he is doing ok but it’s another reminder of how life likes to throw you curve balls.

Daniel has a form of diabetes that needs balancing, too much or too little can cause us an issue.

Finding balance isn’t easy but it’s a life lesson we all really need.

It’s been a busy couple of months in my chaotic household it’s not an over exaggeration to say I survived summer by the skin of my teeth. I’m exhausted and emotional not a great combination.

Finding balance has been far from easy.

Life is being a little strange right now, relationships are changing and I’m hurting myself with expectations that often get crushed. My lack of balance is affecting my clarity I’m trying to see the wider picture which isn’t that easy when you are smack in the middle of the situation. Taking a step back isn’t always my first decision and hindsight is just that , hindsight.

Plans can and will change and whilst I thought I was getting better at accepting this I’ve realised I’m holding on to so many things that I really need to let go.

Change is inevitable so I must learn to flow with waves and just sit back and enjoy the ride.

I nearly lied to my daughter

I nearly did it again last night,

I caught the words as they were just about to tumble out of my mouth.

I almost lied to my daughter

Lied to her again.

“ It will be alright’

“it will be ok” 

“ You have got this”.

Why do I do this?

Why do I make statements that I know not to be true?

You see life isn’t easy.

It can be cruel and harsh.

It hurts and causes us pain

and sometimes there is nothing we do can change that.

Right now for my girl its the pressure of GCSE’s that suck, but my telling her that all will be ok does not actually make any difference to the outcome.

Yes GCSE suck but me promising her a rosy ending isn’t true.

Of course her results are not the end of the world but the truth is that they do make a difference to her future.

She has to work her way through the endless hours of revision and hopefully she will get the results at the end of it.

 

There is no gain without pain. 

Benjamin Franklin

 

We  all have to make choices  on how to live life.

How to walk the journey.

Sometimes we will make what we believe are the easy choices but I believe that those are only the shortsighted ones.

For my daughter throwing in the towel in on her GCSE’s seems attractive, she gets to stop stressing and stop putting the hard work in, but her future wont be as easy without those grades.

Yet these GCSE’s are only the beginning of a life of challenges and obstacles and decisions she will have to make. She is going to have to face many choices in life, moments that will hurt her heart and leave her scarred. By lying to her i am not going to make these moments easier I will just make our relationship untrue. 

“I’m sorry dear girl that your head feels like it might explode, I’m sorry that teachers cannot see how hard you are working but I’m also sorry that I cannot change these situations for you. 

All i can promise you is that I do have your back.

I will walk along side you with no false hopes or fairytales falsehoods but with truth, love and faith,

faith in you. 

So what it’s the weekend

Seriously it’s official if I see one more TFIF status today I may just lose it. 

So what it’s Friday that doesn’t automatically mean that tomorrow I get to do nothing. No tomorrow I will still have to get up to do medications and nappy changes. My back will still ache from lifting and if we follow on from our current evening schedule I will also still be sleep deprived. 


Oh it’s the weekend so that means my big boy is off and that brings me the joy of chasing him around and saying “please leave alone” every second for two days. 

All joking aside, ok moaning aside I do appreciate the end of a normal working week and that for many tomorrow and Sunday are days of relaxation but seriously stop rubbing it in. 

Please think of us exhausted parents those like me to who the weekend is just another day. In fact the weekend is actually a little harder as school does give me a little respite. 

I absolutely love my life and fostering a child with special needs is a great job but the reality of it is that it is 24hr, 7 days and week and 365 of the year. Being a mom of a complex needs child means exactly the same. So as a mom and foster mom of both I may be slightly shattered. Though as we enter the weekend of Mother’s Day I am so thankful for my boys. It just means at times I just have the urge to strangle those who write TFIF. 

To scared to voice my dream

Have you ever wanted something so desperately that you actually cannot voice your desire?

That the fear of hearing the words outloud is so scary that your stomach does flip flops.

That when people tell you to release your hopes into the universe it feels like a gigantic scam to make your world tumble down.

This is exactly how I have felt about the adoption of my new son. That if I actually shared the ins and outs of the situation it would actually explode in my face, my heart.

It hasn’t been helped by social workers who should have the words “hopefully” and the statement “it should” ripped out of their practice handbook. The hedging of their bets or professional distance is nothing but frightening for an adoptive parent. 

We need to hear “of course” or “it will“.

I honestly feel as if I have been walking on eggshells this last year. From the moment we decided we wanted to adopt our then foster son my heart feels as if it has been ripped out of my chest, trampled on then replaced. It’s been hard and the reason I haven’t really shared this journey here is simply because I couldn’t voice my fear. 

I couldn’t allow the inner demon inside my head any space here on this platform. It was doing enough damage inside my head.

“You aren’t good enough”

“Adoptive parent, you, ha really”

“It’s going to fail”.

The adoption process isn’t easy, I guess it shouldn’t be. The assessors actually have the lives of children in their hands. They have to probe, explore, question. 

“How did you feel when this happened?”

“How would you cope with this?”

And the big one

“Why adoption”?

Your answers of course have to be the truth but I have woke night after night with fear that my truth wasn’t enough.

Thankfully, my truth was enough and last week we found out that the judge has signed our adoption order and in a few weeks our boy will be our son.

I cannot tell you how excited I am, how much it matters to call him mine. I am simply on cloud nine. My heart feels full and I’m sure I haven’t stopped smiling since I heard the decision. 

I may not be able to write down our complete adoption story yet. It’s still a little too raw and it’s not actually at the end point yet. I still now wait impatiently for the date of our celebration hearing and my heart will still probably jump at the delivery of the morning post for a while yet.

But I will state this here, our adoption journey has been hard, we have cried many tears, had many sleepless nights and had way too many stress headaches. 

Yet I promise you this, every stinking moment of this chaos and fear has been worth it, my son, he is so completely worth it. 

Born in my heart 

So it’s seems my little man loves the hospital so much he had to return for another visit. This time of course he had to up the drama level a little or a lot as the case may be.

I’m exhausted both physically and mentally, my body aches and is craving sleep and my mind well maybe we better not go there. 

The thing is I know the life I have chosen to live could get scary, that adopting a child with such complex needs could take me back to a place of such anguish, fear and pain, I do understand this. 

Yet as I sit here in the hospital room after a few days of real fear all I am feeling is thankfulness. I’m so very grateful and honoured that I get to be by this little ones side when he struggled. So blessed that when he needed me I got to be there.  

I know some people do not understand my life’s choices, they see the risk, the pain and understandably they could never imagine putting themselves through it and I completely get that. I can honestly tell you that this week I was petrified. Yet even now as I still reel I know how lucky I am and I don’t doubt or regret my decision to adopt this little one. I am counting down the days till he is officially mine, my son, my heart, my world. 

Life is certainly going to be an adventure and whilst my life may be extremely different to others I am so very content, so very happy. 

And whilst I understand why people ask me “how can I ” my answer will always be “how couldn’t I”.

This boy may not have been born from my body but he certainly was born in my heart.

How could I have forgotten? 

Yesterday the world just didn’t make sense. My heart and my head just couldn’t stay on the same page. I screamed, I cried. I was angry, I was sad and for a while I didn’t know why. 

Why was this day so hard? 

Then I caught the date on my phone December 3rd, 

December 3rd 

As I read that number it hid home with a gigantic bang.

How could I have not realised, how could I have not remembered? 

What kind of mother am I ?

Forgetting the day I buried my daughter. 

If I close my eyes I can recall that December day. It was cold but yet the sun lite up the winter sky, warm rays dancing on the icy floor. 

Frost sparkling like a carpet of diamonds fit for a princess, my princess. 

You know It’s not in any parenting books, or  on any websites. There are no handbooks on how to bury your child.

You wander through it all in daze, making decisions you have no desire to make. The colour of the casket, the silk that lines it. What does she wear? Oh the irony of it all, does it actually really matter? 

Yet matter it did, from the brand new cardigan that Nanna travelled to fetch to the choosing of her special toys, it all mattered, it mattered desperately.

I wanted it perfect, I needed it to be perfect.

It was all I could do, all I had left to do. 

I don’t really remember the words that was spoken or even the memories we shared.

All I really remember is the weight, the weight that consumed me, my feet feeling lead lined not wanting to move. To leave, to leave my beautiful girl behind. 

I kept on at myself “she isn’t there” “she has already gone”. Yet in that casket laid my last physical connection with my daughter and everyone is telling me I have to move, I have to leave. 

I held on tight to my youngest hands as I left that chapel, scared to let her or her sisters out of my sight. Wanting to hold on tight to them and never ever let go. 

I was empty, I was lost. 

Walking through the pleasantries, shared moments, warm hugs. 

Yet nothing was ever going to be the same again. 

I would never be whole again. 

I left part of my heart behind in December 3rd 2008 and whilst the brokenness has started to heal I will also have a missing piece. 

A beautiful blond wild haired missing piece. 

My girl, my Livvy,

Forever in my heart, forever my daughter. 

Twenty years of flying

Dear Alan 


How do you find the right words to describe twenty years of marriage? I could go with the old adages “I would have got less for murder” or you are “my old ball and chain”.

Yet none of these are right. 



I’m simply going to say 



“You gave me wings and encouraged me to fly”.


Now it may not be politically correct or of a feminist nature to say my husband completes me or that I finally found myself with you, but this is the truth. Before I met you I just didn’t know who I was. My identity was formed by the opinions of others of who they wanted me to be or what suited them. You came along and just let me be and you loved me for me, eccentricity and all. Never did you laugh at my wild ideas or my crazy plans you just stood by my side and said let’s try it.



You have be my core, when I have felt weak and lost you have been my strength and my direction. 


When we lost Olivia I wasn’t sure I could carry on but slowly even in the midst of your own pain you held me close reminding me daily that life has so much left to give and that we still had a journey to make.

You make me laugh so often, sometimes even when you don’t mean to and to be honest those times are often the funniest (sorry). 

You love on your children with such tenderness that watching you hold our new son in your arms makes me fall in love with you all over again.

Let’s be honest though you are annoying at times, singing out of time with the songs on the radio, keeping me awake with your snoring or leaving your socks on the floor. Still I guess I would be walking a dangerous road if we were to compare tidiness as I am far from the neatest.

I actually cannot believe we have been married for twenty years. In fact I have now spend more than half of my lifetime with you. Yet it still feels so short, we have so many plans and memories still to make. Children to raise, daughters to marry off (ha ha) sons to care for. 


You are simply amazing and I know you know how much I love you but I do wonder if you know how much I admire you. 


I often get asked how I do what I do, my answer is simple “because of you”. Alan you are my strength, I know I can go out into the world and try things knowing that whatever the outcome if I fail or if succeed you will be there waiting for me. 



I watched your face as I graduated last week your smile spoke volumes. You were so proud of me as I collected my degree but I couldn’t have done it without you. Endless cups of tea, having the children whilst I study. You were my support system and my room service all in one. 


Happy anniversary dear husband, thank you for loving my unconditionally. For caring for me, for not strangling me at times.



I love you today, tomorrow and forever and whatever the future holds let’s laugh hard, cry hard and just embrace life together.



Love you moon, stars and back again



Your darling, wonderful, beautiful wife (writers privilege)



Sara xxx 

How is it October already ?

I have been reflecting about this last year and cannot actually get my head around what an incredible year 2016 has been so far. Of course the highlight has to be the decision to adopt my little one he has brought such a light into my life I cannot find the words to convey what a gift he has been. My friend described me as “radiating joy” the other day and I think she may be right I am so happy and so content at having another in my heart. Being back at toddler stage is very different now than it was ten years ago but I am loving every minute of it. I mean just the wide range of clothes out there now is enough to send your head into a spin. 

Yet besides this major change in my life I have seriously took this year by the horns and literally made the most of every second. I know this because right now my body may ache with exhaustion (whoops). 

I have stepped out my comfort zone in so many ways. Learning and participating in politics, attending and speaking at the Labour conference and getting involved in the local campaigns has been brain aching but also so fulfilling. I am actually scaring myself with how much I really enjoy this arena and the people I have gotten to meet and I am excited to learn and develop more.

I have also completed my degree and actually graduate this week, how exciting is this a childhood dream finally coming true. 

Still I think my real steps forward have been in friendship. Over the last few months I have said yes to invitations. Said yes to group meals, coffee mornings and lunch dates. A dear friend of mine told me that “I was scared of friendship” and she was so right I wrote here often about my desire for deeper truer friendships but the truth was I was hiding. Pulling away from any situation that required me to be open and vulnerable but her call out challenged me to say yes to being vulnerable and exposed and I’m loving every minute of it. I’m still a work in progress but honestly I am so grateful for those that haven’t given up on me. 

2016 has been an emotional rollercoaster I have laughed and I have cried and it’s only October but to describe 2016 I would simply have to say “it’s the year I began to live fully’. No more holding back, I’m loving life right now and yes it isn’t easy at times but isn’t that what makes it more worthwhile. The achievements, the moments.

I cannot believe Christmas is only a few months away, this year does seem to have flown by. Yet I am happy to hold on to 2016 a little longer it’s been a very special year.  

Inspire or destroy?

Last week I was lucky enough to get to listen to the inspirational Nick Barwick. Nick is a motivational speaker who came to a fostering meeting to share his experiences as a care leaver. His story is incredible, he has faced adversity, pain and suffering throughout his life but still found the strength and courage to achieve his dreams, he defied the odds and he overcame.

Nick is passionate about sharing his story, he wants the success stories of life to be shared. We need our children to have hope, that if they are struggling and finding life a struggle they can remember that where they are right now is not where they need to end. This is doubly important for all children within the looked after system, they especially need the reminder that there is Hope in this world.

I took an awful lot away with me after listening to Nick speak, but what has been twirling around in my head since I left the meeting was the impact of ‘words.’

Let me explain a little, as Nick was sharing his story he spoke about being told by some professional in his life that he would not achieve, academically, financially and emotionally, and how these words for a long time became a self fulfilling prophecy for him.

How the words spoken to him became the words he spoke to himself.

Words have power!

They can inspire but also they can destroy.

words

Hearing Nick’s story just hit home how important our words are,

How as Mother’s, as fathers, as teachers, carers, our words have an impact on hearts.

How as a friend, a wife, a sister I need to use my words wisely.

How often have we let words spoken to us bury deep in our hearts?

How what may have been a passing comment has be able to consume our minds.

Someone else’s opinion become our truth.

I know I can look back in my life and raise my hand numerous times for when words spoken in hate became my reality.

“You won’t pass it.”

“I wouldn’t even bother’

“You are not good enough”

“Who would love you?”

How I let these lines of letters sink deep into my heart like an anchor dropped into the ocean, dropping slowing until they find a place to settle and hold, hold on tight.

How I  have allowed hurtful words to crawl under my skin until I believed them completely, burying under my skin into my blood to pump through my veins, straight to my heart.

Burrowing deep until I owed them as my truth.

Thankfully like Nick I had someone in my life who challenged me to question these words. To remind me that my future was mine to create.

That it was up to me to write my own story. 

story-of-your-life

I’m still a work in progress, my story has many chapters left to write.

I’m still learning to throw away the words that hurt, to erase the words that are wrong and untrue.

To protect myself from words that do not inspire or encourage.

I’m creating my own vocabulary and as I do this I hope to create another for my children.

I want their story to be one of adventure, excitement and hope but what I want most of all is that the biggest chapter that they write will always be one filled with love.

I pray that story is one of knowing, knowing how loved they are. 

Survival of the fittest 

Ok the holidays are coming to end and I’m ready to scream hurrah, I honestly don’t know what happens to me over the summer. It truly feels like I’m at a survival camp just trying my hardest to get through each day.

Don’t get me wrong I love my children but keeping them occupied for seven weeks is insane. It’s just to long, way to expensive and certainly not good for my sanity. 

The issue I have as a special needs parent is that my children love and need routines the slightest change can bring down an avalanche of anxiety and behaviours. The thing is I don’t want to be doing the same things everyday.

Take my eldest son for example he would happily wake up every morning have a shower, brush his teeth, eat breakfast then sit and watch the chart show countdown. He would sit there from 20 to number 1 over and over again. Only getting annoyed when a song he doesn’t like comes on. Don’t get me wrong I love music but my goodness how many bieber songs are in the top 20, it’s crazy. Also how dare there be adverts I mean what.. 

Routines and more routines. 

I don’t actually mind some routines especially the one where the kids wake up and the school bus arrives and I wave bye bye.

No all joking aside summer has been hard, yes having a new little one has left me craving for sleep and dreaming of a hot cup of tea but in all honesty it’s been rather awesome. 

We have had some lovely time away, Mablethorpe and those beautiful seals. Special kids in the UK camp and getting to spend time with friends old and new. 

Memories made and laughter created but hands up right now this mom is so ready for the start of school. 


I am actually dreaming of my alarm clock wake up call and school uniforms. I think my boy feels the same as he keeps bringing me his school bag and his answer to my ” are you fed up of mommy ” question was met with a firm yes. I would be offended but I completely understand him. I mean I’m actually fed up of myself. “No more music” “but that down” “do not lick the dog” I’m so tired of my own voice. 

So hallelujah the end is in sight the days are in single numbers and the uniform is ready to be stamped. Life is looking brighter by the day. 

And for those who think I’ve disappeared this summer I do apologise. 

It has genuinely been a case of survival of the fittest and in my family the kids won hands down.