Inspire

The beginning of this week saw me in Swansea watching my daughter graduate university whilst I am still in shock that I have a daughter old enough to graduate, I was left wondering what future was out there waiting for her and all those that graduated alongside her. What did the world have to offer these newly educated minds?

Yet ten minutes later as I sat watching the waves crash against the shore, I realised that I was completely wrong in my thinking.

The truth is what has these graduates to offer the world?

A new generation, full of life, energy and potential have a wonderful opportunity to make this world a better place.

To invest not just in the financial wellbeing of the world  but in the people.

To ask not what this world can do for you, but what you can do for this world.

To inspire kindness, acceptance, equality and love.

Times are changing, our world cannot survive if we all continue to live as if we are individuals, alone in our decisions, responsibilities and actions. This world was created for communities, relationships and connections.

Watching these graduates I was struck by how many were more stressed about getting the perfect selfie, the perfect social media photo then actually rejoicing in their academic achievement.

Have we really become a society consumed by how we look rather than who we are?

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a selfie or three but photographing an event should never come at the cost of experiencing it.

The tears and tantrums for perfection has certainly robbed some joy from this moment.

I think we really need to look closely as a society on how we prepare our children for growing up. Asking them what they want to be when they are older to better the world. Challenging them to be the inspiration this world needs to change.

Every job can and does make a difference.

Every child can be the change we need in this world.

So to the graduates, congratulations on your degree. May it be the start of a career that fulfils you and challenges you in every way.

But please remember as you start your journey that the likes you get on social media are not and never will be your truth, your validation.

Put down your phones, switch off your tablets and look into the faces of those that love you. Your parents, your family, your friends these are your true validation.

I wish you all a lifetime of success, happiness and love, be strong, be brave but always be kind.

This world needs kindness more than ever right now.

Collect

If I was to ask my friends what i collect they would probably smile and say “children” between fostering and adoption my family has extended in a wonderful blessed way.

Yet if I was to ask myself what I collect my answer would be “moments”.

Moments that i get to cherish for eternity

Moments that i hold close in my heart.

Moments that hold my missing complete.

Some moments are full of joy and laughter, other are tender and sweet and some are heartbreaking and raw.

Yet each and everyone of them is a moment I lived.

Sunsets at the seaside,

Peace and quiet in the mountains.

Watching my girls take there first breathe, my heart breaking at Livvy’s last.

First steps, first giggles, first days at nursery, school, university.

Experiences that I will never forget, moments that become cherished memories.

Lifetimes are lived in moments.

So I’m proud to be a collector, proud to have a heart and mind full of some many precious moments.

Thankful for the memories,

Grateful for the moments.

Still I’m far from done,

I am so many more left to collect.

I want to watch my new son grow and flourish, my girls continue to achieve their dreams and love on life.

There are places I want to visit, people I want to meet and many I want to hug in real life.

I want to spend my days collecting, hugs, hearts and happiness.

Not a bad way to collect at all.

 

 

 

 

“Joining up with the “Five Minute Friday” community. Set your timer for five minutes, take the weeks chosen word and write.’

I need some directions

Sometimes i feel confused by the world. It’s as if my compass has lost its true north.  My heart is yearning for something but I have no idea what.

I like plans, i like directions i don’t like this feeling of waiting.

I’m not the most patient of people, the whole adoption process was agonising for me. Waiting for others to do their parts or for reports to come back in was the most frustrating . I was told it should be easier for me as I had Daniel already but having a child on a foster placement is very different to having a son.

I’m wondering if this is why I am uneasy now. The adoption is complete and my beautiful boy is ours.  I’ve finished my degree and my time is my own again (well as much as your time is ever your own when you are a mom). So i’m lost.

I just love being busy, I love having my brain occupied, being challenged. As much as I panic about not being able to cope I am fulfilled when life is full.  It’s who I am, my body often cannot keep up with my brain and my energy often gets exhausted by my will but its me, its what makes me tick.

So waiting isn’t good for me, in fact in drives me insane. Yet one thing I have taken from the adoption process and fostering in general is that not everyone works at my pace. That others have other priorities and thats something I have to accept.  Again this isn’t easy, I expect everyone to work to the same principles as me. If i say i’m going to do something i do it. If i give you a time frame I stick to it. Patience, acceptance i have to really work hard on those in situations like this.

Yet as I have said many times before I am a work in process and far from perfect.

“Own worst enemy” was my husbands comment the other day, he believes in time for relaxation and rest he struggles to understand that being busy and having my mind stimulated is my idea of relaxation. Yet after 22 years of being together he has learned just to listen to me go on and supports me in all that i do.

So whats next for me, what does God have planned and where am I heading? I guess with the summer holidays it won’t be far from the kids as they are certainly going to be keeping me busy, but who knows?

I’m ready and waiting for the next adventure thats for sure

 

A big three

This has been a week of celebration as my little man turned three. Its been a time of  joy but also a time of real thankfulness.

If you had asked me two years ago if could i ever imagine having a three year old again I would have smiled politely but actually wondered if you were crazy. My youngest was 14 and three year olds seemed a long time ago.

Yet from the moment Daniel came for his emergency weekend my heart was his. It wasn’t professional of me to have such thoughts but i honestly believe that that God had his plans and had heard the cries of my heart.

Watching my son celebrate his birthday this week has filled me with such joy. Being surrounded by his friends and the wonderful people that he has brought into my life was so incredibly special. Through Daniel I now have some wonderful friends, some amazing parents who are walking this journey of special needs with me. We have shared some moments of sadness but a lot of laughter. I have seen Daniel blossom with his friendships, becoming part of an unsociable duo, finding his confidence in his group. I love my rainbows.

I have loved watching his sisters love upon him, seeing them forget everything in his smile.

A house full of laughter and annoying toys that go off randomly at night.

Daniel has brought us all so much joy and my heart is so full.

Its been a special week and one I am so thankful for.

 

My baby boy is now a big three.

My favourite photo

This was taken in May this year and it was the first photograph of Daniel without his NG tube. It isn’t my favourite because it’s the first without his NG but because of my relief of seeing that smile after surgery.

 

There is nothing worse that handing your child over to surgeons and theatre staff, you have to trust them with your heart. This gastrostomy surgery was the first we had faced with Daniel and nothing could have prepared me for the fear I felt as I left the theatre, my legs literally felt like lead. I could barely breathe for the hours he was in down.

So this photo is my moment, the moment I could breathe again. 

My son

I looked around the courtroom convinced everyone could hear my heart beating in my chest.

I could barely breathe, could barely trust in the moment.

“Congratulations to you both on your new son.”

It was official

It was complete

This precious gift was now ours to call our own.

Yes i cried, to be honest with the amount of adrenaline pumping through my body i was surprised i didn’t burst into dance.

My heart exploded, the love i had held on too wrapped in chains of fear was now free to fly.

My son

My beautiful precious boy.

Adoption is a journey of pregnant moments.

Full of expectation,and excitement but also full of pain and fear.

A free-fall into the unknown.

A parachute silk woven in faith.

I cannot say its been easy,

A labyrinth of broken promises and painful expectation.

Yet whilst the scars will take time to heal.

Whilst the emotional burden will take time to lift it is with no doubt in my heart that i can say

He is worth it all and so much more.

My son

My precious boy xxx

 

Sixth form style 

So my daughter has just finished her GCSE’s and i was expecting her to relax and have a few weeks not thinking about school, tests etc etc. Erm no she is now driving me mad talking about her style for sixth form. You see she finally gets to escape the uniform she has hated for the last five years. The lovely burgundy blazer that can never be removed even in the hotest weather and the white blouses that never ever fit right.
Yet whilst she hated the uniform it was a comforting place to hide within. Everyone having to wear the same does stop the judgement, well a certain amount of it as anyone who has a child in senior will concur that teenagers will find any reason to argue and tease.

So sixth form is a big deal for my baby girl. Its a time for people to see her beyond the uniform. Its exciting and scary at the same time. She has to find her own style in the confines of the prescribed restrictions.

She is excited but nervous.

Last nights conversation was regarding her bag. For many years due to the number of sporting activities she has done she has always had to have a backpack of some sort, one large enough for sport’s gear, school books and drinks etc. So returning back to school with no sports obligations she can now  look at all styles. She is now wondering what would be best “Tote or Backpack for college?” 

Whatever she chooses Im just hoping 6th form will be the where my girl can find her place. The place where she realises how beautiful and amazing she is whatever she is wearing and she learns that her style is whatever she wants it to be.

 

Writing when it hurts

Sometimes I get scared to write, scared to allow the truth to flow through my fingers. I preach about transparency and owning my truth yet at times my reality frightens the crap out of me.

Right now I feel on the edge of cliff I can see the rocks bouncing down the sides disappearing under the waves and I wonder how long this ridge will hold me. I can feel the erosion burning up inside of me, my will, my strength slowly crashing towards the water.

To say there is a lot going on in my life right now would be a massive understatement, the stress of exams on my girls has been worrying. Watching them tie up their hopes and dreams in pieces of paper is heartbreaking. Their value should not be decided by a cluster of standardised tests.

But this is the truth of life isn’t it?

We search for our own value in others judgements, others tests, others expectations.

I don’t want to do this anymore, I don’t wish to turn myself inside and out by the expectations my anxiety has created or those that don’t matter.

I cannot be all things to all people and cannot or will ever be perfect, yet i live each day berating myself for just this.

See this is maybe why I should have stayed quiet, yet a wise woman told me that truth can heal and that truth can set you free and that I needed to continue to write.

So here is my truth, the strive for perfection is an never ending quest, yet it also the biggest load of bull I have ever been told.  Perfection is a farce, something that can never be achieved, never be obtained. You see perfection comes with chains where truth comes with freedom.

Its ok for me to admit I am overwhelmed right now, to admit that anxiety is eroding my soul. That I want to run away from the world for a while or to simply just find some peace to calm my mind. It’s ok to admit I’m human, I hurt, I cry and at times I will break.

This is my truth.

Happy 21st to my firstborn

My baby is 21 today, how did that happen? Obviously i’m using the term baby figuratively but honestly how can it be twenty one years since i gave birth to my first born.  My beautiful entrance into motherhood came with lungs to challenge the strongest of divers, she came kicking and screaming and has lived her life at full speed ever since.

My blond haired mommy’s shadow has turned into an amazing young woman. I’m so proud of this girlie, she has just completed her degree and has already accepted a place on a masters. Her dissertation was so incredible and whilst her degree may have placed a lot of stress on her liver I love her thirst for knowledge.

This girl does drives me insane at times, she returned home this weekend for a few hours before flying off for a few weeks travelling around Europe, in those few hours she needed to wash and dry her clothes, pack her bag, complete her graduation paperwork and accept her place on the Masters, oh then of she mentions she hadn’t organised travel insurance. I promise I nearly strangled her. How she manages to achieve anything at times surprises me but i do love her carefree ways, well unless you count the other night.

Watching her grow up has been a gift I always remember her auditioning for her primary schools talent show. The shock on her teachers face when this powerful voice came from this little quiet one. She has been surprising people ever since, never underestimate the Kennedy. She has shocked many with her strength and determination and her sheer audacity to achieve her goals.

Right now my baby girl is in Vienna. probably drinking way too much but Im sure she is packing everything into her days.It’s weird not being there to celebrate her special day with her, not getting my birthday cuddle but I’m so excited for her to be off doing what she loves, travelling the world immersing herself into the history and culture of the places she visits.

Have an amazing 21st Kennedy, never stop surprising the world. Never stop being carefree and loving and living life to the full.

Love you to the moon stars and back again, my sweet frustrating first born Kennedy Mary xxxx

Expect 

Today has been a strange day i have placed my heart in places of vulnerability, places of pain, in hope of peace.

The realisation that to truly heal one has to allow oneself to feel.

To wait in expectation of the agony to know the rewards of joy.

Grief is an state of expectation, the cost of love or the reward of love.

The irony of that statement, pain the reward of  love.

The honour of love.

How often i find myself lost in the darkness of grief. 

I struggle to remember why it has to hurt so much?

Why my soul cries out?

Then a memory rises to the edge, allowing me the freedom of remembrance, 

the joy of loving

 and 

the trust of forever. 

Joining in with five minute fridayWrite for five minutes on the word of the week. This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation.