A Lesson Learned

This weekend I made an awful mistake. The only person who really suffered was I but I’m sure my demeanour was fabulous for those who live with me.

I don’t mention it often but I suffer from a condition called M.E, yes I have this illness and yes it causes me pain but I refuse to let it define who I am.

Anyway Friday evening I went to the medicine cabinet only to find that I had run out of my main painkillers. How stupid was I. I have no one to blame but myself for my absent-mindedness.

The thing is, there are so many times you will find me moaning that I don’t believe they work anymore. I now know that they certainly do. Being without them have made me realise how much I need them and what a good job they are doing. 

This has made me think about my relationship with God. Have I been taking his presence in my life for granted?  I know he is always there but do I show him the glory he deserves.

Life gets complicated at times and we do all what we can to survive. Stress, nerves, anger, grief this has been part of my life for what seems like forever. In reality it hasn’t but some days I can honestly say forever is what it feels like. 

Coping with all these emotions can be exhausting to the point of collapse. What I have realised though is that I haven’t collapsed because like my medicines my Lord is in my system in my heart in my body filling me with the strength I need each and every day. Unlike my medication he never runs out. His supply of love and compassion is never-ending. It is eternal.

I cannot and wouldn’t wish to imagine what my life with be like without my faith. This weekend has showed me the value of my medicines for my health. My life shows me the value of my faith.

What does it mean to be a Mom of Daughters


My husband and I used to spend hours talking about the kind of parents we wanted to be. The dreams we had for our longed for children. These didn’t involve money or power just love and happiness.

When I was pregnant I didn’t care about the gender just that they were healthy. When my daughter was placed in my arms I looked into my husband’s face and watched the tears as they rolled unashamed from him. His look told me all I needed to know, daddy’s girl. 

No matter what the future would bring, this child would always know she was loved, she was special. She would be protected at any cost.

God was generous to our family and blessed us with three more amazing daughters. So I guess I can say I have a full membership into the mod squad. 

So many times people would ask the question “did you try for a boy”. I can say hand on heart no, we tried for a child and God blessed us with four amazing girls.

Their personalities are so different, shy, carefree, stubborn, fun-loving, quiet. Each one so different, yet so alike!

I love being a mom to my girls. I will admit getting scary as they are growing up. Keeping them safe as they wish to spread their wings. Praying for their hearts. This is where I find comfort from the MOD squad as I can share my worries with people who really understand.

Our dreams for our girls have changed; our third daughter was born with a devastating condition, Rett Syndrome which took her from us in 2008. From our daughter we learned so much about life. What really mattered, quality time, kisses and cuddles Losing her broke the hearts of our daughters along of course with ours. As parents we had to spend time holding them close, showing them they had to learn to laugh again to enjoy life. Time does help but faith kept us strong, knowing without a doubt, that we will be reunited again.

I am so proud of my girls, the courage they have shown in their life has amazed me. They hold me when I struggle and I promise to always hold them. I pray daily for their futures but with hearts like theirs and their inner strength I’m sure they will do well. I wish them true love and happiness.  As for my husband and I, we have been blessed with four incredible daughters for this we thank God.


I’m ready for friendship

Friendship is one of those things I have been known to shy away from. I don’t know why really. A few bad experiences, but nothing that really should hold me back.

It may be that I can be rather selfish with my time and forget to establish the connections we all need. It’s not through intent just the chaotic nature of normal life.

I seem to have different groupings of friends, friends with disabled children, friends from school, and friends from church. None really seem to cross over the boundaries. Oh I nearly forgot online friends too.

I wonder if these friends ever see the whole me, do I try to round myself off to be the type of person they like. None of this is their asking, just my trust issues raising their ugly heads.

Where am I going with this you wonder, well I’m getting there. The other night at Life group we were discussing our self-worth. Or in many of our cases lack of self-worth and what came to our attention was God’s love for us. God wishes to be our friend.

How amazing is that, God wants to be my friend. He wants me to turn to him in times of trouble. When I am grieving he wants to dry my tears. When joy fills my heart he wants to share it with me. My laughter, my heartache he wants to be part of it all. How awesome is our God.

“He is a God who is passionate about a relationship with you” Exodus 34; 14

As I grow older and hopefully wiser I do crave friendship in my life. I hear people talk, read when people write about their best friends and with no desire to sound like a complete loser I really want a best friend, or friends. Someone to confide in. Someone to share giggles with. Go out for a meal and just chat with. Maybe even go shopping with (ok be real I may never be able to enjoy shopping but I will try).

Why now you are asking, well you may not be but I will answer anyway. Because I am learning to love myself, learning I have self-worth. There are people who will, who do enjoy my company. It has taken me a long time to reach this point and I believe that the final piece of the self belief puzzle came when I found my faith.

With my faith and the strength God installs in me I will venture out into this frightening world of friendship. I will allow myself to forge connections when normally I would hide. I will embrace friendships. I’m aware it may not always work out for me, whatever happens I know that in God I have a best friend forever.

Storm Warning – Billy Graham Book Review


In Storm Warning, Billy Graham shows us the similarities between the natural disasters, tragedies and terrorist events of today and the book of Revelations.

It’s an amazing the connections that he makes, it’s a challenging read. It opens up Revelations in many ways. Bringing us faith for the future. The world may be chaotic but our Lord knows all.

I found this a hard book to read but this was due to my lack of knowledge. Billy Graham has a way with words and such a vast knowledge you know you are reading a book of a man who understands the word of God

This book was a challenge but well worth a read.

Knowing who He is.

Do you ever have those days when you can say yes? I know who I am.

Then we have days when you look in the mirror and ask who are you?

To be honest I use the term days when in reality in my case it should be moments. As that’s how I feel, I go from sure to complete confusion in seconds

Growing up isn’t easy. The idea of growing up is normally full of visions of Children, teenagers etc but we are all growing up. Each day we live adds to our life. I am certainly not the person I was at ten at twenty not even four years ago at thirty. I change daily. I grow I hope with wisdom. 

Take today for example, I woke with a smile, girls off to school. I lay in bed and just spent time in the silence with God. Many people were on my mind and numerous prayers sent. I felt good and secure in who I am.

Five minutes later in response to an email all sense of calm was lost. I was grieving, hurting, scared, lost in the abyss of sorrow. Confusion was holding my mind to ransom.

How do we go from being so high to so low in such a short space of time?

Its times like this I take strength from knowing who he is. Who is the Lord, he is known by many names but for me, my Saviour.

When I feel lost and scared I reach for the word, I consume scripture, Christian music, all to fill me with the glory of our God.

I don’t remember how I faced these moments without my faith. I’m just grateful I was saved. I learned the truth.

Now I’m back in a semi secure state. This where I spend a lot of my life!

I am working on getting to know myself more, learning what I like, who I want to be. It’s a learning curve; experiences change you all the time.

What never changes though is the all forgiving God he is a constant, my constant. My strength, my truth.  He knows who he is.

“God said to Moses “I AM WHO I AM” “ Exodus 3.14

This world is evolving and I pray that we all evolve towards the all loving, all giving God


Let me introduce my talented and beautiful eldest daughter Kennedy.

My baby is growing up x


On Saturday she sang her heart out in a regional pop star’s competition. She didn’t win first prize, but she did win most promising voice. I was so proud.

Whilst the singing was amazing my heart burst with joy, when asked by the compere for the evening, “Tell me one of your ambitions” Kennedy replied “To go on a mission trip with church to help children with special needs children in orphanages”.

Can you imagine the happiness I felt. I thought my heart would explode.

** Would like to note that she wouldnt normally wear so much makeup but you have to for stage. x

My little girl is growing into a lovely young lady . I am one very proud mom.

Besides expressing her faith she also expressed her heart. Her kind, caring loving heart.

Change my Perspective

On Sunday I had the absolute pleasure to hear Rachel Hickson speak at my church. To say she spoke for God would be a total understatement.

For me hearing her words was like an explosion in my mind. The last few weeks I have struggled. Lost and bound by fear. I’m being totally honest when I confess I’m scared. To put myself out there again in case I get hurt, my family gets hurt. As a family we have suffered enough grief, enough heartache.

Rachel spoke about Courage, how I needed to hear this. Rachel asked us to look at our perspectives, the way we view situations to look at the wider picture of life.

Last night as I lay in bed I began thinking of Rachel’s words I was reminded of Luke 24, 15.17

While they were talking and discussing, Jesus himself approached and began travelling with them. But their eyes were prevented from recognising him”.

I believe at times God does prevent us from seeing what is around the corner or behind the closed-door.

It is times like this when we need to have trust, to stand strong in faith. So many times, pain and fear hide the good from us. We become blind to the truth and just want to believe the negative lies.

I have learned, lived this lesson the last few months. So many people telling me what good we have done when all I could see was the loss.

God may have been preventing me from seeing what was coming but I should have known, for he has never forsaken me.

The enemy loves it when we listen to the negative thoughts he places in our mind. He loved us to forget that we are never alone. I confess there have been times when I have felt so alone.

Never have I doubted God, just myself. I believed I had let God down.

When will I learn???

Yes the future can and probably will be a very scary place full of heartache and pain. If the past taught me anything it is this. If I could get a pair of scales and weigh all the pain on one side and all the joy on another. The joy would certainly outweigh the pain.

Again, a different perspective!

Yes moving forward on my chosen path may be risky and painful but there is no doubt about the joy it will bring. My cup will overflow with love and laughter.

A new perspective takes me forward (thank you Rachel), along with the courage my faith gives me.

Hebrew 12 1:3

“Let us, run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith.”

Lazy days are driving me mad

Beautiful days, warm sun soaked days filled with endless lazy hours.  There lies my problem, lazy hours. I’m not good at being lazy. I hate waking up without plans, nothing in the diary. 

It’s driving me crazy, people may say I am mad and I should just enjoy the break, but it’s like being on holiday at home. There is only so much you can do to amuse yourself. My home is tidy, washing is done. Shopping fetched.

It’s been a long time since I have felt like this. For the last 14 years my life has been a constant whirlwind being a mom a carer filled my days. Of course I’m still a mom but losing the role of carer has left me empty. No hospital appointments, medicines to arrange, feeds to manage. My girls get up and are off to school, the days are mine.  I should be happy; relishing the time I have to myself. Enjoying the slower pace of life.

I hate it, I’m exhausted yet I’m doing so little. I feel like my identity is slowly slipping away from me. There must be a woman underneath the roles I play. Where do I look for her?

I was twenty years old when I became a mom. I have travelled far in my life and changed so much. I’m not sure an ounce of the old me is left to find, the party animal has disappeared. Not sure if she is the person I am searching for anyway.

I don’t want to go back to who I was; I want to find who I am.

I’m sure we all reach this part; we all come to a crossroads in life. We all have choices to make. My mind is filled with endless questions with no answers. I have my map but nowhere to travel to.

I pray for directions.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
    understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
    shall direct your paths.
                                                                                 – Proverbs 3:5,6

I need to learn this scripture and hold it to my heart. To trust the endless questions to the one who has all the answers.

To find myself I have to lose myself to my Lord.

I don’t want to remember.

The day began with the rising of a hot and humid sun. The previous night had been spent tossing and turning in a warm sticky bed. I awoke calm and relaxed all was good in the world. Then the memories flew into my mind of days spent being woken by the tears of a child in need. The beeping of an alarm on a machine that feeds and restores throughout the night.

So many times you will hear me say, “Memories are wondrous gifts” or “create memories everyday”.

Not today! Today I wish I didn’t have to remember. The smell off her freshly washed hair, the mischievous giggle that captured her spirit. The bravery in her smiles as the seizures attacked her body. I don’t want to remember today.

This day is nothing different to yesterday or the one before. I just don’t want the pain anymore. The ache of my heart, empty from the missing. I want to scream life isn’t fair, why my baby, why my daughter why why.

I tell others about the glory of Heaven and what a wonderful time she is having there, but today I cannot find comfort in these thoughts.

The desire to hold my daughter in my arms is destroying my sanity. All my thoughts are consumed by this. I want to hold her close, twist her sweet curls around my fingers as I rock her gently to sleep.

Today the answers are too far for me to reach. Too far to make any sense in my grieving mind.

I’m angry at the world, trying to understand but lacking the wisdom, the knowledge, the desire. Maybe I just want to wallow in my pain. Does moving forward mean leaving her behind? My head aches with questions I have no answers for.

I want to scream, shout let the inner rage escape but I won’t, it’s not to be done. I cling to the strength she instilled in me; it’s still there underneath the pain somewhere.

The illness that took my daughter away is still causing pain to others. My friends asking me for prayers as their children fight the syndrome. My prayers are for them I promise, but my heart is still broken for my little girl. No parent should have to feel this pain. No one deserves this living nightmare.

As I listen to their fears I feel selfish as I would give anything to be there once again, to have one more day, one more hug, one more kiss, one more. I don’t want to feel this way, where is my compassion. I don’t like who I am when grief overwhelms me. Where is my strength, my purpose?

I look forward to the oblivion of sleep, the emptiness of my dreams. Maybe tomorrow will be brighter; maybe the memories will fill me with joy and sweet smiles. Tomorrow may be better but how I wish for the yesterdays.

Just one more hug