“Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” Mthw 6;34
“Panic! Why do I allow this to overwhelm me? One minute I’m fine the next I cannot breathe. I’m sure at times someone standing close to me will hear my heart as it pounds against my chest.”
Ten years ago I was diagnosed with post natal depression. The Dr’s believed the combination of child birth then becoming seriously ill with an infection sent the chemicals in my brain into frenzy leaving me feeling unbalanced and terribly alone.
Unbalanced, yes that is a good way of describing how I was feeling at this time.
There were many emotions running through my body, panic, fear, sadness but the one that really dominated me was anger.
I couldn’t understand why when I should have been so happy and enjoying my beautiful daughters I was crying and having panic attacks. Why couldn’t I pull myself together?
A few months later it all seemed like a bad dream, but like any nightmare there is always a memory that is left behind.
There are days even now where I find the darkness clouding my life. Days when for no reason I just can’t feel happy. Yes they are very rare but they do happen.
As you may know the last two years have been filled with traumatic times for me. I have lost a child then lost again. My faith family and friends have kept me strong. I won’t say it has been easy, times I have been on my knees crying out to our Lord.
Life isn’t meant to be easy. How can we learn if we don’t allow ourselves to make mistakes? My mistake was to believe I could run and hide from my low moments from my fear and panic.
How I wish I could go back ten years and tell my younger self to ease up on the internal anger that consumed me. To accept that your body and your mind had been put through so much. To give myself a break to give myself time to heal.
I can’t go back to then, but I can return to now, when at times I allow the panic into my heart again. When for that one spilt moment I just feel like giving up on my dreams on my happiness. Instead of being angry at myself and berating myself for weakness. I will give myself joy. I know that through the darkness there is light. My strength, my faith, my eternal love and of course hope is there to guide me back into the light.
“Why am I so depressed? Why is this turmoil within me? Put your hope in the God, for I will still praise him” Psalm 42; 5
Unlike ten years ago, I now know God, and in knowing him I have eternal hope.