I’M SCARED

 Yes it’s true, I’m scared

I don’t understand why I just feel sick to my stomach. It should be a wonderful time a weekend spent with my closest friends. Yet it’s going to be so different to how I imagined it would be.

 Having friends with disabled children is such a blessing. People who really understand what you are going through. How exhausted you can be. Who know medicines better than most doctors. Who can sit chatting about bowel movements over lunch.

What happens though when you have lost your special child. I know my friends and I came together because we had our wonderful children but they aren’t the reason we are friends. It’s the weird sarcastic sense of humour, the faith we  follow. The independence of our spirits that join us.

So why am I scared? To be perfectly honest I am frightened of how jealous I will feel. When I watch my friends hold their children close.

Change their children, feed them, give them their medicines. It’s going to hurt like hell.

I can imagine people saying “hey you have three beautiful girls” and rightly so. My girls are my world but as much as they fill up my life the emptiness of my beautiful angel is still there. I loved caring for my  special child, each day was such a gift. She taught me patience. She taught me compassion and she showed me how to live each moment to the fullest.

It would be so easy to cancel this weekend and stay away from the pain but that wouldn’t be fair to my dear friends or to myself. It also wouldn’t be what Livvy would have wanted. She took everyday as a gift from God and I need to follow her example. Life does get scary at times but if we don’t take the risk we could miss some amazing moments and memories to cherish. 

How I miss that cheeky monkey. May Jesus hold you tight until we are together again x

Frustrated

Today I am finding myself so frustrated. I feel lost with no direction. I know God wants me to work in his name. I hear him calling for me to speak his word. I just don’t have any idea of the how, the why or the when.

I know I have so much to learn. I am only on the first stage of my journey. My knowledge is limited but yet I don’t feel as if God wishes for me to hold back until I know more. Will any of us ever understand the vastness and the magnitude of God’s wisdom?

Staying faithful to God’s plans and his timetable isn’t always easy, especially for control freaks like me. I like to know where I am going and when I’m going to get there.

It isn’t that God hasn’t left instructions on how to live our lives, the bible tell us quite clearly.

I do want to serve others, help others, support, comfort and so much more. Also I want to spread the word of our Lord. Is just the direction I need to take is lost to me at this time.

This doesn’t mean I will rest until I find the inspiration. I know that there is something God is calling me to do. I am trying to be patience though I am failing terribly.

Not all of us are called to be inspirational speakers, missionaries, authors. We are all called to serve and bring glory to our God.

“Make your ways know to me Lord; teach me your paths. Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; I wait for you all day long” Ps 25 v4-6

True Worship

“O Lord, you created everything, and it is for your pleasure that they exist and were created. “Revelation 4.11

 

How easy it is to forget that we were born into this world to bring pleasure to our Lord. How often do we get caught up in making our great big lists of wants? I want to be this, I want to do that, I want to have this. We forget and lose sight of the real reason we are here.

I know I have many questions I should be asking myself and many things I should be asking of myself.

If I wish to live my life for God’s pleasure what changes do I need to make?

My hands are raised; my head is lowered as I confess. I have many changes that I need to make.

I love to spend time in church, singing my worship to the Lord, but my worship shouldn’t just be about the praises I sing. NO WAY!

EVERYTHING I do should be about and for bringing glory to God.

“Therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. This is your spiritual worship” Romans 12:1

I have to learn to be showing more patience, more compassion. I need to organise myself better. I need to show more commitment to doing more for others and so much more.

I am full of great ideas but they will always just be thoughts in my head if I don’t back them with commitment and ACTION.

I need to bring honour to my Lord in all my ways and at all times.

I pray that I can change and live my life as one worthy to worship our Lord

“Love the Lord with all your heart with all your soul, and with all your mind” Mathew 23; 37

 

Wonder

Have you ever had one of those days where the sun shines perfectly, you are surrounded by people you love and all is right with your world. Well yesterday was one of those days for me.

With the wonderful company of my sister in law, her husband and my adorable nieces we visited the local natural beauty spot, known as Cannock Chase. It was full with families enjoying the warm weather and each other.

My girls played on the park, with their daddy and generally just had fun. You could see this in their faces which were alight with laughter.

As a family we have been through so much in the last months, years but as the sun begins to warm our bodies, our hearts are beginning to heal. Loved ones are never forgotten, memories cherished.

It is times like this I awe in the wonder of God’s grace. I give my thanks to the Lord that he never leaves me and is my forever.

 

A Mind Blowing Day !!!!

How can I put into words the night, the day I have just experienced? I am rocked to my very core.

Yesterday we attended the Big Church Day out at Stanford Hall, Loughborough, Leicestershire. I am full of energy for my faith, for my God.

Lou Fellingham started off my day of music, she is one lovely lady. Her voice is as good live as on her albums. She filled my heart with peace. Her new song My God cares had me in tears, the meaning behind the words touched my inner being. She is also very pregnant; I wish her all the health and happiness for the birth of her new child and for her family.

Tim Hughes celebrated the love we have for Jesus. The crowd were collectively worshiping how wonderful, all standing together singing for our love for Jesus. I had never heard Tim before, will be looking for his albums now.

Switchfoot rocked the stage, and my daughters are all now Jesus freaks courtesy of Toby Mac. It was so uplifting to see so many young people really getting the worship.   Israel and New Breed brought people meeting and greeting each other.

They were other artists, bands, theatre companies that were performing but I didn’t get to see them all. It’s a hard choice to make. Next year!

The finale was Hillsong United, and my goodness they really rocked the stage, people crying with love for Jesus. Old and young coming together singing their hearts out, hands raised high all for our love our God. The heavens must have heard our praise last night and I know I was blessed to be part of this amazing experience.

For old Christians for new Christians and for the many that gave they life to Christ right there yesterday. The Big Church Day out was an amazing experience.

For me this was my first event like this. It definitely won’t be my last. I got to meet some wonderful people, people were so open and friendly it was so uplifting. I learned about some amazing charities’ and the wonderful work they do. It fact some of these have moved me so much that I will be featuring them on my blog in the near future.

For me the day was special because I got to sing my heart out to the Lord.  I got to lose myself in the music, in the worship. I have never felt as alive as I do right now. I am so inspired, uplifted.

I have a sore throat, aching legs but my spirit is bursting with joy.

It was a day to be remembered. For me next year cannot come quick enough. For those who didn’t make this event this year. I whole heartily recommend that you do next year. It has blown me away.

Panic and Fear, no longer hold me.

“Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” Mthw 6;34

“Panic! Why do I allow this to overwhelm me? One minute I’m fine the next I cannot breathe. I’m sure at times someone standing close to me will hear my heart as it pounds against my chest.”

Ten years ago I was diagnosed with post natal depression. The Dr’s believed the combination of child birth then becoming seriously ill with an infection sent the chemicals in my brain into frenzy leaving me feeling unbalanced and terribly alone.

Unbalanced, yes that is a good way of describing how I was feeling at this time.

There were many emotions running through my body, panic, fear, sadness but the one that really dominated me was anger.

I couldn’t understand why when I should have been so happy and enjoying my beautiful daughters I was crying and having panic attacks. Why couldn’t I pull myself together?

A few months later it all seemed like a bad dream, but like any nightmare there is always a memory that is left behind.

There are days even now where I find the darkness clouding my life. Days when for no reason I just can’t feel happy. Yes they are very rare but they do happen.

As you may know the last two years have been filled with traumatic times for me. I have lost a child then lost again. My faith family and friends have kept me strong. I won’t say it has been easy, times I have been on my knees crying out to our Lord.

Life isn’t meant to be easy. How can we learn if we don’t allow ourselves to make mistakes? My mistake was to believe I could run and hide from my low moments from my fear and panic.

How I wish I could go back ten years and tell my younger self to ease up on the internal anger that consumed me. To accept that your body and your mind had been put through so much. To give myself a break to give myself time to heal.

I can’t go back to then, but I can return to now, when at times I allow the panic into my heart again. When for that one spilt moment I just feel like giving up on my dreams on my happiness. Instead of being angry at myself and berating myself for weakness. I will give myself joy. I know that through the darkness there is light. My strength, my faith, my eternal love and of course hope is there to guide me back into the light.

“Why am I so depressed? Why is this turmoil within me? Put your hope in the God, for I will still praise him” Psalm 42; 5

Unlike ten years ago, I now know God, and in knowing him I have eternal hope.

How do you carry on ??

One of the main questions people ask me when they hear my story is “How do you carry on?”

I’m not sure I have a real answer. Losing my child nearly destroyed me, but I have to remember the three amazing girls who are still with me. I know that in Heaven God is holding my angels tight. If I wasn’t here or strong who would be there for my girls.

Everything in this life is part of something bigger. What my part is to be honest I haven’t a clue. In fact there have been many times when I would wish my life could be read from a different script. In faith I have to stay strong and remind myself that God knows.

Fighting my way through my grief is a daily struggle. Some days it feels like a new battle every hour, every minute. The emotions are so raw not giving into the despair inside.

When we lost Livvy, Alan and I had to put our grief to one side and look into the faces of our girls. How we handled life from here forward would be the life lesson they would learn.

We read a lot of siblings account’s of when their brother or sister died how they felt they had lost their parents too. Not physically but emotionally. The grief simply drained the life out of them. This could have easily happened to us, at times we both came incredibly close, but we held on. WHY??? For our girls, Kennedy, Eden and Brodie.

Losing their sister devastated my girls. No many how many squabbles they have the bond between my daughters amazes me. Even death hasn’t broken this bond. Livvy is talked about and laughed about daily; she is still part of our family. Death for us is only a temporary separation.

For Alan and I as parents we had no choice but to carry on. Our children had learned the pain of grief and sorrow. We had to remind them of the joy of love. They needed to see us laugh again, love again.

Our second loss could have destroyed us, but I thank God each day for my brave incredible daughters as they reminded us that each day we spend together is a blessing.

Memories are one of my greatest gifts, if I could tell any parent one thing it would be. “Create memories every day.”

Look what happens when i read other peoples blogs

I end up spending money. Now unless you speak to my husband you know how much I hate that. No to be perfectly honest to me one of the best things money can buy is a book so when my friend Cherie at http://www.heartandsoulreflections.com/ write a post about how this book

<a href=”http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0310273927?ie=UTF8&tag=walkingwithan-21&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=6738&creativeASIN=0310273927″>God’s Power to Change Your Life (Living with Purpose)<img src=”http://www.assoc-amazon.co.uk/e/ir?t=walkingwithan-21&l=as2&o=2&a=0310273927” width=”1″ height=”1″ border=”0″ alt=”” style=”border:none !important; margin:0px !important;” />

had inspired her. Me being me, had to go and check out the book and then decided I fancied a copy of my own. The problem being is that somehow this book also ended up in my virtual basket.

 http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0310239273?ie=UTF8&tag=walkingwithan-21&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=6738&creativeASIN=0310239273″>If You Want to Walk on Water, You’Ve Got to Get out of the Boat<img src=”http://www.assoc-amazon.co.uk/e/ir?t=walkingwithan-21&l=as2&o=2&a=0310239273” width=”1″ height=”1″ border=”0″ alt=”” style=”border:none !important; margin:0px !important;” />

To be perfectly honest, I love reading people’s blogs and I also love reading how certain books move people. To say I’m a book lover is a slight understatement. My sister calls my bedroom her library and my husband called it a fire hazard. For me a book is a ticket to a different world an escape. The words can make you cry, laugh, despair or fill you with inspiration.

Thankfully my children have also inherited my love of the written word and many nights I have found a child burrowed under bed sheets with a torch just desperate to finish the page, chapter of this weeks book.

I know now we are given the opportunity of the written word in many forms, ebook, the new reader things (see a complete tech phobic). For me nothing beats the smell of an old book or the crispness of the pages of a new book. Maybe I am old-fashioned who cares. I know there are many more books yet to be read and if any of you will like to make me recommendations please do.

My daughter’s grace

Last night my eldest daughter Kennedy made me incredibly proud. For months she has been working towards the semi final of the counties pop star competition. Then we were hit by the heartache of the last month. Her mind hasn’t really been focussed where it needs to be, understandably so.

I would be lying if I don’t admit how nervous I was for her. She loves to sing and being the completely unbiased mom I am, I think she is amazing.

Anyway let’s go back to last night at 6pm I had a very sick very nervous young lady who just didn’t believe she could do it.

At 8pm as we were sitting in the theatre watching the others sing their songs. I received this text from my daughter. “I’ll be fine mom, God is with me and my sister and brother are to. I’m going to rock the stage.       You know what she did.

My heart was bursting with pride, not just because she stood up and sung her heart out but because she realised that she was never alone. That her loved and God stood beside her.

When her name was called out as one of the three going straight through to the final I screamed with joy (literally).

Whatever happens at the final, nothing will take away my pride and my joy in my daughter’s grace.

What a relief!

Maybe I’m a terrible person feeling this way, but as a new Christian I feel I am daily failing my God when I let my faith be tested and let doubt enter my mind.

The comments on my last post showed me that we all have times of struggle. When our faith is tested. So I am being perfectly honest when I say “What a relief”. I cannot thank  my friends ( I hope that I am not making presumptions) for the comments they left on my post. Their honesty filled me with hope and assurance.

I was praying earlier today about this and came to realise that most of the time its our faith in ourselves that gets tested. I know of many occasions when I have felt like I am letting God down, not that he has let me down.

As I spend my time praying I was reminded of Peter who denied Jesus three times, yet when Jesus stood on the shore Peter swam to meet him. Although he knew he had let Jesus down he had complete trust, complete faith in Jesus’s forgiveness.

“When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tied his outer garment around him and plunged into the sea”.

He knew with all his heart that Jesus loved him.

It is a peaceful feeling that surrounds me today. I feel I have been too hard on myself. Lets face it the last few years have been like a living nightmare. I have suffered the lost of two of my beautiful children. I use the word loss but I know with all my heart that they are in heaven with our eternal father. So I guess they are not loss to me, just out of reach for a while. I know we will meet again.

While the years have been hard I can look back in hindsight to some of the amazing things that have enriched my life too. I have been able to live my dream of fostering children with special needs, though this has not being a easy journey it has filled my heart with joy as well as the sorrow and I am sure in will continue to do so.

My faith has been restored and I have returned my heart to Jesus. I also believe that all the trauma has made me stronger and this has given me a conviction to my faith that I may not have experienced if my life hadn’t gone this way.  I guess this is what they mean when they write Beauty from the Ashes.

The peace I find is simply in the knowledge that yes life may be hard and at times in may feel unbearable, but I am never on my own. My faith is my blessing.

“Everything is possible to the one who believes” Mk 9:23