What a relief!

Maybe I’m a terrible person feeling this way, but as a new Christian I feel I am daily failing my God when I let my faith be tested and let doubt enter my mind.

The comments on my last post showed me that we all have times of struggle. When our faith is tested. So I am being perfectly honest when I say “What a relief”. I cannot thank  my friends ( I hope that I am not making presumptions) for the comments they left on my post. Their honesty filled me with hope and assurance.

I was praying earlier today about this and came to realise that most of the time its our faith in ourselves that gets tested. I know of many occasions when I have felt like I am letting God down, not that he has let me down.

As I spend my time praying I was reminded of Peter who denied Jesus three times, yet when Jesus stood on the shore Peter swam to meet him. Although he knew he had let Jesus down he had complete trust, complete faith in Jesus’s forgiveness.

“When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tied his outer garment around him and plunged into the sea”.

He knew with all his heart that Jesus loved him.

It is a peaceful feeling that surrounds me today. I feel I have been too hard on myself. Lets face it the last few years have been like a living nightmare. I have suffered the lost of two of my beautiful children. I use the word loss but I know with all my heart that they are in heaven with our eternal father. So I guess they are not loss to me, just out of reach for a while. I know we will meet again.

While the years have been hard I can look back in hindsight to some of the amazing things that have enriched my life too. I have been able to live my dream of fostering children with special needs, though this has not being a easy journey it has filled my heart with joy as well as the sorrow and I am sure in will continue to do so.

My faith has been restored and I have returned my heart to Jesus. I also believe that all the trauma has made me stronger and this has given me a conviction to my faith that I may not have experienced if my life hadn’t gone this way.  I guess this is what they mean when they write Beauty from the Ashes.

The peace I find is simply in the knowledge that yes life may be hard and at times in may feel unbearable, but I am never on my own. My faith is my blessing.

“Everything is possible to the one who believes” Mk 9:23

When will I learn?

“Any of you who does not give up everything he has, cannot be my disciple” – Luke 14.33

I listen, watch, read the words of my fellow Christians and admire and in most cases envy (sorry) the way they trust whole heartily in the Lord. They hand over all their worries, plans, finances, children’s futures to him.

How do I learn to do this?

Patience is what I lack, add that to my controlling attitude I struggle. If I have to wait for anything I am awful. When I look forward in my life I find myself frustrated as I don’t have an itinerary for my future. I would seriously love a plan of when, where and what to do. I know this is because of my insecurities but so.

How do I surrender myself to the Lord? I crave peace and contentment in knowing my life is in God’s hands.

 In hindsight I can look back on my life and see many decisions where my lack of patience lack of trust has cost me dearly. When I have tried to give God a timetable. I know this is wrong, one of the hardest lessons I am learning is that God has his own timetable and that he knows what is best for me.

My ego and fear cause me to battle my inner demons so very often.

I don’t want a life where I say I know God. I want to feel God inside of me to have a closeness that fills me in his pure love, trust and faith. I want to be free in God’s eternal love.

I know my eternal father is waiting for me to surrender my all to him. I am just so scared of rejection I hold back.  When will I realise he won’t reject me, he gave his son for me.

My friend always writes “I know not what the future holds but I trust the one who holds it”

I want to surrender to this trust. I want to be a disciple.

Life is a test !

Blessed are those who endure when they are tested. When they pass the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love.” James 1.12

So life is a test! This I can understand but sometimes accepting it isn’t so easy. The question WHY raises its head too many times. Trusting in God is easy, understanding why isn’t. Well not for me anyway. The pain of my loss is just too raw.

Like most parents who have lost a child I question why them, not me? It’s not that I wish to die though I would rather have it been me any day that’s a fact.

I know that God loves us all and that when I weep he weeps with me but sometimes my tears blind me to this.

Losing my child was a gigantic test of my faith. Living my life without her seems sometimes out of reach. Endurance is something that I have to find each and every day. I know there is a plan for my life. Maybe that’s why I am struggling as I have no idea what the plan is.

As a child I felt like I had no control over my life and I know this is the reason I became the way I was, over obsessed by planning and organisation. I have learned to let go a little but at this exact moment in time that fear of being out of control is so overwhelming.

I need to stay strong in my faith and my trust of God. As a new Christian I am trying but I have moments of doubt. I have people around me who challenge me “If there is a God, why do these terrible things happen”? Or “you must be evil for God to punish you so”. I know this is what the enemy wishes me to believe. Sometimes it’s hard not to, especially as I do wonder if I have been evil. I know I fall far from perfection.

Some days it would be easier to feel this way it would be easier to hate than to hope. I refuse to do this. I have faith and trust. I guess the perfect quote for me today is from Mother Teresa

“I know God will not give me anything that I cannot handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much”

It fits perfectly

Its fits perfect.

Isn’t it beautiful, as you can see the engraving says Livvy, This was my beautiful daughters bracelet. She loved wearing it and was forever showing it off to anyone anywhere, bless her.

When we lost Livvy I didn’t know what to do with her bracelet I didn’t want it just to sit in a box and fade and tarnish. Like my memories I want to hold it close. Then my husband suggested I had the bracelet made bigger and wear it. I went through many emotions will I damage it? What if it broke? Is it right? In the end I knew Livvy would love me to wear it and enjoy it as she did. I know there are many treasures in heaven. Livvy would be pleased I am enjoying one of her earth based one.

So here it is extended for my wrist and fitting perfectly.  Does it fill my heart with joy every time I look at it, yes in a way! Will my heart ever be full to the brim with joy again? I don’t think so. While I know without a doubt that Livvy is free from the pain her earthly body brought her and is in the wondrous realm of heaven. I cannot shift the pain of my grief 100%. I miss her too much. Though I now see life not as one more day without her, but one more closer to us being united. I thank God everyday for my faith and for making me realise it fits perfectly.

Happy Heavenly Birthday

Happy Birthday Livvy.

My daughter will be celebrating her eleventh birthday in Heaven today. I do believe that she will be dancing with the Lord, angels and loved ones. It’s this belief that gets me through the pain of not being able to be with her on her special day. I know that in Heaven she is free from all the pain her condition on earth brought her. She is free to dance, free to run, sing, praise.

Livvy was and is an amazing young lady; she showed strength in her character that i can only hope to reach. Her spirit and desire to live life to the full inspires me each and every day. She took the life she had been given and blessed others around her. She suffered and struggled and whilst there were times she was in pain her smile never left her. Praise my beautiful brave daughter.

The hole in my heart and my life where she should be is forever empty. Nothing or no one will ever fill it. I take strength and courage from my faith. I know without a doubt that I will hold my beautiful daughter again one day. We will be reunited. This is my light in the darkness of sorrow and grief that surrounds me today.

I pray today in Livvy’s honour that a cure for Rett syndrome will be found. Dear Lord please hear my prayers.

As for my darling daughter, until I get to hold you again save those hugs and kisses for me.

Happy Birthday, I love you to the moon, stars and back again xxx

Heaven

Do you ever wonder about heaven and how and what it is like. I guess having a child in heaven brings the wondering a lot closer. I look around the world and there are so many beautiful places and I wonder if the splendor we see around us comes close to what is waiting for us.

To many times I find myself in darkness yet I know the world is full of light. The Lord is our light. So when I feel the darkness surrounding me I immerse myself in the light. In the word of God and the beauty that surrounds me here.

I do wait for the days when I will explore the depths of heaven with my loved one but until that day I will be grateful for the places on earth that bring beauty and light to my world.

Friendships for Grown-ups – Lisa Whelchel

 Friendship for Grown-ups.  Lisa Whelchel

This is the first book I have reviewed for Book Sneeze and I have to say it has blown me away.

Lisa writes as if she is talking to your heart. I believe God was to be found within the pages of this book. Lisa writes with such honesty that you find yourself feeling the emotions within your own heart.  She bares her soul and in doing so she allows you the freedom to bare your own.

Reading this book has made me feel less alone, amazing how we imagine we are the only ones in the world that struggling with friendship. Reading that Lisa was afraid of friendship was such a revelation for me. I wasn’t alone, my thinking was normal.

Thank you seems inadequate when I tell you the courage I have found from reading this book.  I read the book in one sitting.  Straight after reading this book I emailed my friends and took a step out into unknown scary territory of true friendship.

I pray Lisa continues building her friendships and thank her dearly for being so open and honest.  This book is a must read for women who believe guarding their hearts is what God wants for us. Trust in the Lord he will always be your best friend but has also graced the earth with others we can call best friends forever to.

God bless. Xxx

Hello world! A New beginning

A new blog for a new start. Why a new blog. I have many reason but as part of my new start I want to leave them behind me. Sometimes it takes more courage to move forward that it does to stay hiding in the past.

So I hope all my friends old and new have found me ok and pray we can continue our friendship which I hold dear to my heart.

So here I start my new beginning, join me as I take my steps forward.