I don’t want to remember.

The day began with the rising of a hot and humid sun. The previous night had been spent tossing and turning in a warm sticky bed. I awoke calm and relaxed all was good in the world. Then the memories flew into my mind of days spent being woken by the tears of a child in need. The beeping of an alarm on a machine that feeds and restores throughout the night.

So many times you will hear me say, “Memories are wondrous gifts” or “create memories everyday”.

Not today! Today I wish I didn’t have to remember. The smell off her freshly washed hair, the mischievous giggle that captured her spirit. The bravery in her smiles as the seizures attacked her body. I don’t want to remember today.

This day is nothing different to yesterday or the one before. I just don’t want the pain anymore. The ache of my heart, empty from the missing. I want to scream life isn’t fair, why my baby, why my daughter why why.

I tell others about the glory of Heaven and what a wonderful time she is having there, but today I cannot find comfort in these thoughts.

The desire to hold my daughter in my arms is destroying my sanity. All my thoughts are consumed by this. I want to hold her close, twist her sweet curls around my fingers as I rock her gently to sleep.

Today the answers are too far for me to reach. Too far to make any sense in my grieving mind.

I’m angry at the world, trying to understand but lacking the wisdom, the knowledge, the desire. Maybe I just want to wallow in my pain. Does moving forward mean leaving her behind? My head aches with questions I have no answers for.

I want to scream, shout let the inner rage escape but I won’t, it’s not to be done. I cling to the strength she instilled in me; it’s still there underneath the pain somewhere.

The illness that took my daughter away is still causing pain to others. My friends asking me for prayers as their children fight the syndrome. My prayers are for them I promise, but my heart is still broken for my little girl. No parent should have to feel this pain. No one deserves this living nightmare.

As I listen to their fears I feel selfish as I would give anything to be there once again, to have one more day, one more hug, one more kiss, one more. I don’t want to feel this way, where is my compassion. I don’t like who I am when grief overwhelms me. Where is my strength, my purpose?

I look forward to the oblivion of sleep, the emptiness of my dreams. Maybe tomorrow will be brighter; maybe the memories will fill me with joy and sweet smiles. Tomorrow may be better but how I wish for the yesterdays.

Just one more hug

Wow, I have a award. Thank you.

Wow, I have won an award.

Michelle at some Some Girl Tweets blessed me with this award, Outstanding Blogger. How great is this.

The rules for this award are:

1)      Thank the person who gave me this award:

Michelle @ Some girl tweets a big thank you.

2)      Share 7 things about myself:

. My family are my world

. I love to read

.I want to learn more about my faith

.I want to undertake a missionary trip

.Disabled children have my heart

.I pretend to be confident but in reality I am very shy and insecure

.I really love school holidays

3) Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who I think are fantastic!

So here I go, in no particular order as they are all great.

Joy @ Joy in the journey

Amy @ Girlfriends get real

Cherie @ Heart and Soul Reflection

Erin @ Home with the boys

Amy @ Raising Arrows

Michelle @ Mummy from the heart

Hayley @ Singlemummy.net

Amy @ Tshirt and jeans mom

Sarah Mae @ Like a warm cup of coffee

Sarah @ Sarah Markley

Chele @ The Bona Fide Life

Terri Lynne @ Pleasing to You

Lisa Jo @ The Gypsy Mama

Kristie @ Kristiestephens

Erin @ Closing Time

These are all new blogs that I have just started following, I’m loving them.

Happy Birthday to my darling daughter

Yesterday along with father’s day was the 14th birthday of my eldest daughter K. Yes 14 years ago I was recovering from giving birth to a little pudgy madam. She came into the word screaming and her lungs have never let her down since.

K is a daughter anyone could be proud of, I know I am. Her heart is full of love and compassion for all. She walks into a room and younger children flock to her. There is nothing about K that is pretentious, what you see if what you get. K is a lot like me in many ways (poor child) sensitive  and a worrier. She also loves her jeans and t-shirts, and of course the much-loved pair of converse.

As K’s mom I have watched her grow and mature from a shy, reserved little girl to a confident young lady. She has a voice of angel and works so hard at school. Can you tell I’m proud.

I love our girly talks, though sometimes the subject matter makes me panic, I adore the fact that she comes to me with her problems even when she knows I may disapprove about some of her behaviours.

If I could change anything about K it would be the frustration she shows towards herself, she sets high standards and gets cross at herself if she can’t reach them. I never have to tell her off for bad grades she reproaches herself.

As I look at the photos I have taken of my darling daughter on her birthday, my heart soars with pride and also with fear. My baby is growing up and the world is a large scary place and I want to protect her from it. As for boys, well I am considering a shotgun.

Happy 14th

K has a strong faith and has been raised to respect herself but I will continue to be the overprotective mother for many more years or maybe forever. My baby may be growing up but she will always be my little girl.

I am so proud to call this young lady my daughter. May God bless her and keep her safe forever.

My Special Men

As today is fathers day I wanted to introduce the two special men in my life. My daddy and my children’s daddy my husband Alan.

First my dad. My dad and mom divorced before I was born but dad has always been a big part of my life, but to be honest I don’t think I really got to know him until I left home and had children of my own. Dad has always been a man for me to admire he has always strived for a good life, improving himself with education and working hard. For the last 14 years I can honestly say dad has become one of my best friends. He is always there for me. He puts up with me when I am moaning, comforts me when I am grieving. No matter when or where he is always there for me. He is my dad and I love him. I am so proud he is my daddy. He is a wonderful father and a fantastic grandad too.

 My Daddy and his dearly missed granddaughter Livvy xx
My Daddy and his dearly missed granddaughter Livvy xxx

 

Second is my husband Alan. Before I met Alan I wasn’t sure I ever wanted children. Alan changed my mind. I remember spending nights planning our family. The dreams we had for them, the plans we made. As the mother of his children I know we are all surely blessed. He is kind, patience and crazy. He has been everything from a taxi service, nappy changer, vomit cleaner and all without a moan. Alan is a foster carer alongside me and is wonderful at his job. His affection for children with special needs is endless. As a father of four girls he has also have to give up the right to the bathroom. He has already been practising his mean stare for future boyfriends. 

My husband and our beautiful niece
My husband and our beautiful niece

 

The last two years for these two incredible men have been so hard. Like us all they have suffered the pain of loss. Yet they have been my strength. I’m not sure I would have survived without them and I know I wouldn’t have the strength to carry on. I thank God daily for my dad and my husband.

Happy Fathers day xxx

Fostering – I love my job

Last night Alan and I attended the 10th birthday party for the fostering company we work for. Progress Children’s Services.

The evening was full of fun and laughter. Good food and amazing entertainment in the form of Bhangra dancers. The food was lovely and the wine flowed freely.

Alan and I were honoured to be nominated for a specialist placement award but it was awarded to another couple who I honestly admit deserved it more. They have been successful foster carers for a number of years and Alan and I have only been doing it for 8 months. Maybe, next time.

While the evening was a great success what struck me most was that although the room was full of foster carers there are still many more needed.

There are 50,000 children in foster care on any given day in the UK. There is also an acute shortage of foster carers who are able to:

Respond to the needs of children with complex and specific requirements

Provide a secure home life for days, weeks or years

Maintain sensitivity to the cultural and environmental background of the looked-after child

Children most often require care because of family illness, bereavement, abuse or neglect, and need to be placed quickly with someone nearby who can give them the support and routine they need.

See what I mean!

Alan and I love our job, it can be hard work, exhausting and sometimes very frustrating but mostly it is rewarding. The joy we have experienced from caring well I cannot find words to express. I can honestly say I love my job.

If you have ever wondered about foster caring, please contact your local provider and ask the questions that are on your mind.  Progress who we work for are a very family friendly organisation and I know they would love to hear from anyone.  My grandfather told me the only stupid question is the one not asked.

Innocence is Uncool

I was having a conversation with K my eldest daughter last night when she disclosed some rumour that has been going around her school. I don’t know if it is true but it has made me sick to my stomach.. K is 14 on sunday and hasn’t got a boyfriend so maybe I’ve been lucky but I pray I have raised her to respect herself. I want her to grow up before she falls in love.

 I find it shocking at the way some of the girls have been so open about being sexually active. My stomach is churning just thinking of it. K tells me people call her a goody two shoes. She isn’t worried but why is it cool to be sexually active at such a young age. Am I naïve to wish for children to be allowed to be children. Why is innocence so uncool. 

It’s so hard watching my daughters grow up. Knowing that I can only protect them so much. That I have to loosen the apron strings (so says my mom).  I pray I have raised wise girls who know how special they are. I hope the example of marriage Alan and I have shown them gives them an idea of what they deserve.

Raising my girls I want them to know how incredible they are. How life is there for their taking. How dreams are within their reach. I didn’t believe this of myself when I was growing up. I made many mistakes but I thank God for sending me Alan. He showed me how I deserved to be loved. He gave me courage and strength to believe in myself.

 This is all I wish for my children to love and be loved.

Weekend

B, cute, adorable as always

So was my weekend a success? Most definitely.  Was it hard? Very much so. Would I do it again?  In a instant (though maybe in hotel as all five of us in one room was very tight).

It was a weekend full of laughter, adorable children and good friends. My children made me so proud a few bad moments but they are human . If we had gone a whole weekend without any drama I wouldn’t have been able to cope with the shock.

A tired K

 I was glad to be home. I must admit I’m a homebody also love my bed. It was another of those first’s. They are emotional, exhausting but very needed.

E getting a different view of the world

 Have had a few tears since we have been home. Its hard explaining why awful things happen to a nine year old who just wants her siblings back. Or to quote her favourite question. ” If heaven is so wonderful why can’t we all go”.   I’m finding it hard to answer this today.

I’M SCARED

 Yes it’s true, I’m scared

I don’t understand why I just feel sick to my stomach. It should be a wonderful time a weekend spent with my closest friends. Yet it’s going to be so different to how I imagined it would be.

 Having friends with disabled children is such a blessing. People who really understand what you are going through. How exhausted you can be. Who know medicines better than most doctors. Who can sit chatting about bowel movements over lunch.

What happens though when you have lost your special child. I know my friends and I came together because we had our wonderful children but they aren’t the reason we are friends. It’s the weird sarcastic sense of humour, the faith we  follow. The independence of our spirits that join us.

So why am I scared? To be perfectly honest I am frightened of how jealous I will feel. When I watch my friends hold their children close.

Change their children, feed them, give them their medicines. It’s going to hurt like hell.

I can imagine people saying “hey you have three beautiful girls” and rightly so. My girls are my world but as much as they fill up my life the emptiness of my beautiful angel is still there. I loved caring for my  special child, each day was such a gift. She taught me patience. She taught me compassion and she showed me how to live each moment to the fullest.

It would be so easy to cancel this weekend and stay away from the pain but that wouldn’t be fair to my dear friends or to myself. It also wouldn’t be what Livvy would have wanted. She took everyday as a gift from God and I need to follow her example. Life does get scary at times but if we don’t take the risk we could miss some amazing moments and memories to cherish. 

How I miss that cheeky monkey. May Jesus hold you tight until we are together again x

Frustrated

Today I am finding myself so frustrated. I feel lost with no direction. I know God wants me to work in his name. I hear him calling for me to speak his word. I just don’t have any idea of the how, the why or the when.

I know I have so much to learn. I am only on the first stage of my journey. My knowledge is limited but yet I don’t feel as if God wishes for me to hold back until I know more. Will any of us ever understand the vastness and the magnitude of God’s wisdom?

Staying faithful to God’s plans and his timetable isn’t always easy, especially for control freaks like me. I like to know where I am going and when I’m going to get there.

It isn’t that God hasn’t left instructions on how to live our lives, the bible tell us quite clearly.

I do want to serve others, help others, support, comfort and so much more. Also I want to spread the word of our Lord. Is just the direction I need to take is lost to me at this time.

This doesn’t mean I will rest until I find the inspiration. I know that there is something God is calling me to do. I am trying to be patience though I am failing terribly.

Not all of us are called to be inspirational speakers, missionaries, authors. We are all called to serve and bring glory to our God.

“Make your ways know to me Lord; teach me your paths. Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; I wait for you all day long” Ps 25 v4-6

True Worship

“O Lord, you created everything, and it is for your pleasure that they exist and were created. “Revelation 4.11

 

How easy it is to forget that we were born into this world to bring pleasure to our Lord. How often do we get caught up in making our great big lists of wants? I want to be this, I want to do that, I want to have this. We forget and lose sight of the real reason we are here.

I know I have many questions I should be asking myself and many things I should be asking of myself.

If I wish to live my life for God’s pleasure what changes do I need to make?

My hands are raised; my head is lowered as I confess. I have many changes that I need to make.

I love to spend time in church, singing my worship to the Lord, but my worship shouldn’t just be about the praises I sing. NO WAY!

EVERYTHING I do should be about and for bringing glory to God.

“Therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. This is your spiritual worship” Romans 12:1

I have to learn to be showing more patience, more compassion. I need to organise myself better. I need to show more commitment to doing more for others and so much more.

I am full of great ideas but they will always just be thoughts in my head if I don’t back them with commitment and ACTION.

I need to bring honour to my Lord in all my ways and at all times.

I pray that I can change and live my life as one worthy to worship our Lord

“Love the Lord with all your heart with all your soul, and with all your mind” Mathew 23; 37