Nine years too long

Nine years, nine years why does this number stick in my throat?

Why do I see it as an evil coiled snake with a deadly bite. Nine years ago the venom of loss entered my life, moving through my veins inch by inch with an intensity I could have never imagined. Twisting, turning, absorbing, consuming.

Nine years ago my daughter died. 

Why does the fact that it is nine years burn at my soul, rising like bile from a stomach overflowing with acid.

Why is nine years any worse that eight or seven ?

Why does this number feel like mockery of my heart.

Livvy only lived for nine years.

I only got to hold her for nine years, only got to care for her for nine years, only got to breathe in the sweet smell of her hair, to twist those tiny curls around my finger for nine short years.

She was only mine for nine years.

Right now I’m holding on to the fact that she lived to be nine years and six months. Holding on to that six months as a victory over death. I cannot look towards the day when she has been gone longer than she lived.

Why does it matter, one day without her was agony, a month a living nightmare a year so full of pain I never thought I would survive.

Why does it matter? 

I actually don’t know, I have no reasoning or actual understanding of why this number is now haunting my dreams. I am lost in a insane theory than makes no sense. I feel as if the nine years gone counteract’s the nine years here. That nine years dead removes the nine years lived.

It’s doesn’t make sense but it hurts. The nine is twisting at my soul right now, branded like a weapon from my enemy.

I’m struggling to fight back, reminding myself of the magic of the moments we shared. Arming myself with the promise of eternity, the surety of my love for her.

Time does not erase our love, memories may fade but the heart never forgets. My soul will always remember the sound of her heartbeat as she laid down beside me. My fingers hold on tight to the sensation of twisting her curls around them. Her smell, her laughter,  my heart, my soul they hold them tight like the precious gifts they are.

I will never forget my beautiful daughter, no passage of time will ever erase the impact she made on my life.

I will never forget the way being her mom changed me.

Livvy is my DNA, her genetic code is entwined with mine.

My heart it beats stronger because of loving her.

My soul is kinder because I knew her.

I  am eternity blessed I got to be Livvy’s Mom.

I am forever blessed, I am forever Livvys Mom. 

Lights, camera, hallway

Have you ever started a DIY project and regretted it straight away. Seriously I have now many  times and you would think I would finally have learnt my lesson, yet in September 2016 we decided to update our hall and stairway.

When we had first moved into our home it had the old fashioned artex  on the walls and while it was durable it wasn’t what we wanted and it’s been bugging us for at least the last 10 years.

So as you do you when you have a job that you aren’t skilled for. You find yourself someone who is, or in this case said they were. We found ourselves a plaster and paid him a load of money to make our walls worse than when he had started. I think he had over stretched himself a little and the job was more than he could handle but instead of being left with lovely smooth paintable walls we were left with a mess.

Besides the physical mess I was also left with a husband who lost all enthusiasm for the decorating and was seriously down about everything. Its often said that when you live a life of high stress its the little things that can break you down. This hall, stairs and landing was his little thing.

Fast forward a year of apologising for the state of my hall to visitors I finally decided to take matters into my own hands and ask for advice (this time) on decorators. I wanted a recommendation off someone I trusted thats for sure. Anyhow a few months later I am now in love with my new hall, stairs and landing. The decorators work was spotless and my chosen colour I love and even better I have a happy husband who found his enthusiasm again and got busy changing the bannisters and wood work around the doors. I still have to put back the family gallery but I am super happy with it all.

Anyhow what am I telling you all this because just as we were coming to the end of completion i was contacted by a light company called Litecraft  asking if I would like to review their site and lights. Err yes please, what a perfect way to finish the hall with a new rather dazzling light.

I’m in love

It’s she beautiful.

Litecraft has an amazing range of lighting, and accessories, home decor and much more. Believe me you can spend an hour or two having a browse. I fell for a number of lights, lamps and shades and I’m now planning room decor around some lights that I need. (It’s need not a want).

Ordering was super easy and delivery was swift and the light was well packaged. All you can want from life.

So  right now I am super  happy with my new hall  and stairs but most of all.

He is too…

*I was gifted this light for the purpose of this review, but the choice was my own as are all my opinions.

Marriage is hard work

My husband and I are celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary today and if I could give any advice to a couple just starting out it would be simply this.

Marriage is hard and you need to work at it, always”.

I love my husband deeply but my goodness at times I could have easily walked away from our marriage. I write ‘easily’ because at times walking away would really have been the easiest option.

I do pray that no other couple ever has to face what we have in our 21 years. The loss of our children nearly destroyed us and we had to make a conscious decision to work through our pain and grief together. To find a place where we could internalise and externalise our heartache. I use the term “conscious decision” because that’s actually what it had to be. We had to consciously think of each other when we we could barely deal with ourselves. It would have been so easy to allow ourselves to be consumed by our pain and to be honest it was blooming exhausting to find the strength to acknowledge each other’s.

21 years is a long time and both of us are far from the people we were at the beginning. We have grown in so many ways and often in different ones. We have again had to work on ‘us’ not to get lost in our separate interests or lives. To celebrate our individualities whilst working and enjoying our common interests. We are so different! . From when we first met we seemed like chalk and cheese but Alan allows me to be who I really am. He has encouraged me to develop and grow. I truly believe my marriage saved me, but that’s a whole other story. I admire him greatly and I love him deeply but our marriage does still need work.

One of the first learning curves we had to face was learning our style of love. If you have heard of the “love languages” concept you will know that we all express love in different ways. Some use words, some enjoy time together, others like to do jobs to show their love, whilst others give gifts.

I am a wordy person but words are not my love language I just loved spending time with Alan and could never really understand why he wanted to be apart (clingy much). I just enjoyed his company, his opinions and his attention. The fact that he worked so many hours made the time together special. Alan on the other hand is a doer, he would want to show his love in DIY, cleaning the house anything that he thought would make my life as a Mom easier. We used to and still do clash a lot over this but we have found a place that works for both of us.

And that’s what marriage is “A place for both of you”.

A place where two separates become whole.

But I do truly wish someone had told me 21 years ago that marriage doesn’t come easy. That two individuals even those madly in love aren’t always going to agree on things. Aren’t always going to enjoy the same things or want the same things. How marriage needs to be a dance of giving and taking. Of mutual respect and of trying to see another’s point of view.

It’s a work in progress but a wonderful, exciting, rewarding one.

Thank you Alan for the last 21 years and here’s too many more.

Our work in progress.