Complete?

Someone asked me the other day if I now felt complete after adopting our little one and I didn’t know how to answer. 

You see Daniel has blessed my life in so many ways but he cannot fill the hole left by Livvy, nor should he.

Each of my children have their own unique place in my heart and Daniels adoption was never about filling the void left by Livvy.

Daniel is his own kind of wonderful he has brought a new sense of joy to my life. His smiles do lighten the darkest of days but he isnt Livvy and he never will be.

Losing Livvy took a part of me that can never be replaced. I know that my missing piece is waiting for me in heaven but until that day my heart will never be whole,  never be complete. This missing piece is shaped by blond curls and piercing blue eyes. By a smile full of mischief and mayhem. 

My Livvy shaped hole cries out to hear the infectious laughter that used to fill the air. My heart aches to be whole but the loss of a child leaves a void that can never be refilled.

Daniel is a truly wonderous gift but to see him as a replacement is wrong. Livvy cannot and never will be replaceable but also Daniels value is so much more than that of a stand in.

My cheeky brown eyed boy is his very own kind of magical. His smile can break down my barriers in seconds. His singing and his teasing of his sisters are moments my heart cherishes. Daniel is my son, my beautiful curly haired boy. 

He does often remind me of Livvy, his mischeviousness for one and these moments often do bring back memories that I hold dear, but he isnt tied to the past. He has a future of moments to be made into memories. He will learn of his missing sister just as he will learn of the three here to love upon him. Livvy willl be alive with him as she is with us in memories and stories shared. I will tell him of her character, challenge him with her courage and share with him how im sure she played a part in him becoming mine.

So no I am not complete but I am one very thankful woman, I am so grateful that I get to be mom to four equally incredible girls and now i’m also mom to one completely gorgeous boy.

I am so very lucky.

A special field

This weekend I received some news I knew was coming yet never wanted to hear. My friends child had passed away, disappeared into the hours of the morning leaving behind a heartbroken mother. My friend knew she didn’t have forever but was praying desperately for one more day.

One more day.

How often I would wish for Livvy one more day, one more hug, one more giggle.

How often do i allow grief to consume my heart?

Too often .

This last week I have been camping in a special field in Shropshire, the field itself isn’t rather special but for a week or two each year it transforms into something rather remarkable.

From the grassy emptiness it becomes full with love, laughter and friendship.

It overflows with energy, life and living.

For this time each year this field becomes a place where friendships are forged in life experiences.

This field becomes a place where children the world tells cannot, CAN.

This field is rather dangerous though, it is rife with infection, a infectious disease known as hope.

It creeps up into your soul and you start to believe that anything is possible.

Children who can not communicate start to talk, children who cannot walk take steps.

Parents close to breaking become refreshed, families divided are reunited.

This field has no barriers, its a place where everyone gets to be exactly who they were made to be. Not everyone gets on but there is a freedom in acceptance. We are all walking our own pathways and sometimes they can be overwhelming, but here on this field thats ok. You can cry, scream or break down, complete in the knowledge that we all get it.

Over the last week I have become a people watcher, I have observed shy children blossom in confidence, from the first awkward hello to beginnings of life long friendships.

From fire pits to bouncy castles friendship has flowed around this field, some already a lifetime in the making, others being created in that moment.

I have heard so much laughter than even in my grief it has lifted my spirit.

We have had fancy dress from the cute to the never to be unseen, quiz nights, animals and magic. We have hosted our own special Olympics with a level of competitiveness and determination I still can not get over. A child may not be able to walk but they can scream with joy at whizzing over the ground determined to get a medal on their chest.

A balloon release so painful yet so beautiful, how can the most painful part of the week be the most amazing? My heart breaks as I watch those balloons lift up into the sky, my soul aches for my Livvy so desperately I can hear it scream. Yet as my eyes drop to those around me I am struck by how wonderful life is. How everyone standing there beside me gets it somehow. Some may have experienced a loss, others may live in fear of it.

Yet fear of death isn’t found on this field, fear isn’t welcome here.

This field, this camp is about living.

Its about packing life into every moment.

Its about cherishing one another and holding on to what really matters.

The world isn’t allowed on our field, for a week each year we are protected from the daily battles our lives bring to our doors. People who don’t understand don’t visit this sacred place, every chair is filled with people that understand or accept.

Different struggles, different issues, different lives but we are united in our love, our love for our unique wonderful courageous children.

Our special kids. 

 

  • A big thank you to  all at Lower Lacon caravan park for looking after our special field for us all. For welcoming us in a way I have never experienced on any campsite anywhere else and for also being just truly wonderful people that I am pleased to call my friends.

Weaning fun

This year we have been given the go ahead to really start weaning my little one. Although we don’t think he will be able to eat enough to fulfil his needs it is exciting that he can try new taste’s and experience different textures.

So starting on this journey I was rather chuffed to see that the highly-anticipated Aldi Baby & Toddler Event is returning to stores across the UK.

They have a fantastic range of products which will be perfect for our journey into weaning.

The event  will be starting online from the 10th August and in stores across the UK from the 17th August.

Weaning Daniel is going to be different from when I weaned my girls as he will only be able to eat small amounts so storage and the ability to make my own puree’s is a must, as so far I am wasting a lot of the jars and pouches I have opened.

Daniel seems to be enjoying his tastes and tries and so far we seem to be loving strong flavours and not liking pumpkin but we will see. Todays banana was a big hit.

The smile says it all.

 

 

  • I was gifted the goodies from Aldi’s for the purpose of this shout out about the baby and toddler event but all opinions about it being awesome and well worth a visit are my own.