Connections

I was sitting down last night wishing I could tweet anonymously so I could be completely honest with the world. That I could stop pretending that everything is ok and just be true. But then I realised that the whole concept of hiding isn’t truth. 

Sometimes I find this world so hard to understand and to fathom. It’s as if people don’t want to see others happy and enjoy in hurting and harming. It often feels that the selfish need of one is always more important that the needs of many.

Maybe I am as I was once told too emphatic?

Maybe I need to find a way to switch of my compassion. Or maybe I just need to find a peace between my mind and the world.

Does that sound crazy? It could, but sometimes I feel as if I am from another planet. As if my connection to this world is weak and failing. 

Oh my goodness listen to me, connection to the world how far out do I sound. 

But let’s be honest, isn’t the connections we make in this world part of our own definition. We come into this world connected, a son or a daughter born to a mother and a father, connections. Are we a sibling, a niece and nephew. Connections form from the moment of birth without any really effort on our behalf. 

Inheritance of birth is connection

These connections are our foundation, what forms us. Whilst we may not follow or at times understand the beliefs, reasoning of our parents but it’s these connections that educate us to grow, to question.

Friendship forming new threads of connectivity within the world. School pals, work colleagues and so many more.

Some connections are brief and tenuous whilst others become lifelong and strong.

Yet every connection defines us in some way. The realisation that we are not alone in this world comes with what should be the realisation that we are also responsible for others.

Yet this is the internal struggle I am facing right now. The endless battle that my mind wages against the world. 

How and why can suffering happen? 

How and why do people allow it? 

Why does it feel like humanity is losing the world to greed? 

I’m tired of being faced with selfish behaviour some my own.

I’m exhausted with people holding money over life.

Judgement not compassion.

Control not freedom.

Bigotry not acceptance. 

I want to hide away from it all right now. Behind the anonymity of untruth. I want to not care for a while. To not worry about the feelings of others. To be selfish but free.

Yet I know I cannot not, because as much as I want so desperately to find peace in my mind it’s never going to be found in untruth.

I have to venture on, somehow finding a new place of truth whilst desperately seeking a way to find harmony for my mind. 

Any suggestions? 

Trolling should be a criminal offence.

I love the internet, it has widened my world more than I could have ever imagined. I have met and become friends with people that wouldn’t have come into my life without the wonderful world wide web. I have experienced friendship, support, advice and so so much more.

Yet in the mist of all this positivity there are some that use the internet just to be idiots. They hide behind their keyboards to insult, mock and bully. They are cowards in the worst form.

I personally have received some vile emails and comments, people mocking the death of my child, my size, my life. They have crawled out of the their pits of slime to abuse, insult and tear me down. Their words have hurt and scarred.

But who do I get angry at?

They hide behind user names and false identities.

Did I mention they were cowards?

Thankfully Katie Price has decided that she has had enough. After years of her severely disabled son Harvey being mocked and bullied online she has started a petition calling for online abuse to become  a criminal offence. I stand behind her 100%. Whilst she may live her life in the public eye this never gives anyone the right to abuse her  or her child like this. No one has that right ever. Yet here on the internet these trolls, these cowards are free to continue their evil without any comebacks. This has to change. Please join Katie and stand up against these trolls, sign her petition.

We need to make a stand against the horrific abuse people are facing on a daily basic. Racism, homophobia, sexism and so much more. This isn’t a question of free speech its hate in the purest form. It’s time to say enough, sign the petition and also email your MP and ask them to support this and lets get this discussion happening in parliament. Lets bring these cowards out into the open and make them accountable for what they posting.

Fashion fun

I haven’t done a fashion post for a while, not because  I have lost my love of fashion but just crazily busy  with family life. My wardrobe choices have become more about what’s clean rather than what’s in style.

Saying all this I still love browsing the new spring styles that are hitting my email. So i have decided to share with you some of my favourites.

This I love Simply Be Skull Print Rock Tee, this is just my style.

I would match this with these Chloe Distressed skinny jeans again from Simply Be.

To complete this outfit I would have to add these beautiful sandals from Evans .

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shortchanged Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day the day of the year where my children get to spoil me and make me feel special. A day they have always enjoyed, excited to celebrate me.

So why do I feel like I’m letting them down on this day? 

You see Mother’s Day is hard for me, as much as I love my kids to their very bones and know how special it is to have a new son to celebrate it with this year my heart still aches for my missing piece, my beautiful Livvy. 

I hate that I feel that I’m shortchanging my children. 

That my smile may not actually reach my eyes. 

You see days like this that are about family and love , but sometimes it just drives home how far away Livvy is. 

You see grief doesn’t play fair, it won’t hide away when you want to celebrate. It won’t stay buried when you want to feel joy. 

Grief is mean and jealous. 

I used to think grief was something I could work my way through. 

You can’t

Grief doesn’t allow you freedom to leave.

Why does grief have to cast its darkness on a day that should be filled with light?

Why am I struggling this weekend?

Why should today be any different? 

Why does this day have to be so painful? 

Because it is Mother’s Day 

And I’m a mom 

A mom who cannot hold one of her children.

So what it’s the weekend

Seriously it’s official if I see one more TFIF status today I may just lose it. 

So what it’s Friday that doesn’t automatically mean that tomorrow I get to do nothing. No tomorrow I will still have to get up to do medications and nappy changes. My back will still ache from lifting and if we follow on from our current evening schedule I will also still be sleep deprived. 


Oh it’s the weekend so that means my big boy is off and that brings me the joy of chasing him around and saying “please leave alone” every second for two days. 

All joking aside, ok moaning aside I do appreciate the end of a normal working week and that for many tomorrow and Sunday are days of relaxation but seriously stop rubbing it in. 

Please think of us exhausted parents those like me to who the weekend is just another day. In fact the weekend is actually a little harder as school does give me a little respite. 

I absolutely love my life and fostering a child with special needs is a great job but the reality of it is that it is 24hr, 7 days and week and 365 of the year. Being a mom of a complex needs child means exactly the same. So as a mom and foster mom of both I may be slightly shattered. Though as we enter the weekend of Mother’s Day I am so thankful for my boys. It just means at times I just have the urge to strangle those who write TFIF. 

Can today please do one

Ok it’s official I’ve decided I don’t want to grow anymore. I’m not talking my ever increasing waistband, I’m talking soul growth. That everything happens for a reason and that life isn’t about the challenges but how we adapt and grow with them. 

Whatever (cue the full eye roll here) 🙄

Not everything happens for any special, wonderful, soul enhancing reason sometimes life just sucks and people are officially idiots. 

I’m so tired right now it’s crazy and my patience is left somewhere in the middle of last week.

I’m frustrated with people who haven’t or aren’t doing their jobs correctly so that I am left struggling or playing catch up or in one case completely devastated. 

I’m angry at teenagers who strop and annoying husbands who should simply know better. 

I’m exhausted with the constant battles and chasing of services and equipment and I’m desperate for five minutes peace and quiet. 

Add to this the sweet old lady who informed me that special children are only given to special people i honestly feel ready to explode. 

You see I’m not special, right now I’m a miserable impatient, short tempered whiny cow who really just wants the world just do want one and leave her alone. 

I don’t want to look for rainbows or the joy in the moment I just actually want to wallow in self pity and maybe just maybe get some sleep. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day but right now I really don’t give a damn. I’m tired, aching and just want today to be over. 

Today can just do one. 

To scared to voice my dream

Have you ever wanted something so desperately that you actually cannot voice your desire?

That the fear of hearing the words outloud is so scary that your stomach does flip flops.

That when people tell you to release your hopes into the universe it feels like a gigantic scam to make your world tumble down.

This is exactly how I have felt about the adoption of my new son. That if I actually shared the ins and outs of the situation it would actually explode in my face, my heart.

It hasn’t been helped by social workers who should have the words “hopefully” and the statement “it should” ripped out of their practice handbook. The hedging of their bets or professional distance is nothing but frightening for an adoptive parent. 

We need to hear “of course” or “it will“.

I honestly feel as if I have been walking on eggshells this last year. From the moment we decided we wanted to adopt our then foster son my heart feels as if it has been ripped out of my chest, trampled on then replaced. It’s been hard and the reason I haven’t really shared this journey here is simply because I couldn’t voice my fear. 

I couldn’t allow the inner demon inside my head any space here on this platform. It was doing enough damage inside my head.

“You aren’t good enough”

“Adoptive parent, you, ha really”

“It’s going to fail”.

The adoption process isn’t easy, I guess it shouldn’t be. The assessors actually have the lives of children in their hands. They have to probe, explore, question. 

“How did you feel when this happened?”

“How would you cope with this?”

And the big one

“Why adoption”?

Your answers of course have to be the truth but I have woke night after night with fear that my truth wasn’t enough.

Thankfully, my truth was enough and last week we found out that the judge has signed our adoption order and in a few weeks our boy will be our son.

I cannot tell you how excited I am, how much it matters to call him mine. I am simply on cloud nine. My heart feels full and I’m sure I haven’t stopped smiling since I heard the decision. 

I may not be able to write down our complete adoption story yet. It’s still a little too raw and it’s not actually at the end point yet. I still now wait impatiently for the date of our celebration hearing and my heart will still probably jump at the delivery of the morning post for a while yet.

But I will state this here, our adoption journey has been hard, we have cried many tears, had many sleepless nights and had way too many stress headaches. 

Yet I promise you this, every stinking moment of this chaos and fear has been worth it, my son, he is so completely worth it. 

Help, my mind is going to explode.

Oh my goodness it’s official my head is going to explode this week has been both physically and mentally exhausting and it’s not over yet. 

I really need to find ways to relax and quiet my mind because right now it’s running in messy mode.

I’m not sure if it’s just being a mom but I’m so tired of being expected to have all the answers. It’s as if I must be the encyclopaedia of life, the walking diary and literally the fountain of all knowledge. 

I’m actually at the end of any level of patience I had. 

Is it a mom, a wife thing, where we automatically assume the role of social secretary, diary planner and of course filler of all paperwork or is it that I’ve just created a living nightmare for myself. 

Take my husband for example he sees the passing on of a message to me the end of the subject. I will either note it in the diary, return the call or sort the situation out. The fact that he probably knew the answer at the time of the question is not lost on me just that he never seems to think about answering the question himself. Never thinks about opening the family diary arrahh.

I’m just so so tired, I do not have all the answers and I certainly cannot be all things to all people.

What I would give for a nice day of relaxation. A spa day with deep massage and complete pampering.

A day where my mind can be my own, anyway that so isn’t going to happen so I’m turning to you all. I need ideas on how to get my mind some peace. Techniques to reduce my anxiety and find some calm. 

We did join in on World Book Day

It was so lovely to see the country celebrating World Book Day last week. It was such fun seeing all the outfits and the imagination that the day brought about. My little one isn’t at school yet so we actually didn’t dress up but I’m sure if he had been given a choice he would have gone for his favourite The Gruffalo.

Still we did join in with the day by doing our favourite thing. We read stories. My little one loves nothing more that to be snuggled up on my lap reading story after story. It’s such a special time for us both and certainly is building up the close bond between us.

These were our reading material for World Book day. We had such fun reading these from the Scholastic World Book Day 2017 range


I think the Scarcrows wedding was a big hit for my little man as it’s by his favourite authors but I loved the Peter Rabbit one as it reminds me of those I’ve read to his sisters in the past. 

Writing this I’ve realised that next year little one will be at nursery so maybe it’s time to start planning that World Book Day 2018 outfit now.

No pressure 😳

*A big thank you to Scholastic for these books, we certainly loved them. 

If it’s reading inspiration you’re looking for, Scholastic’s bumper World Book Day Book Club is ready and waiting for you to discover it. Packed with exciting reads from kids’ favourites – like Wimpy Kid, David Walliams, Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler – at pocket-money-friendly prices, and positively bursting with new releases, film tie-ins and home learning activities, the only problem will be choosing what they should spend their £1 World Book Day tokens on. World Book Day tokens can be redeemed online up until 5th May, and every order over £10 will earn the school or nursery of your choice 20% back in free books – so you can spread the joy of reading on World Book Day and all year-round.

#BeBoldForChange – International Women’s Day

Today is International women’s day, a day where we celebrate the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women. But also a day which marks a call to action for accelerating gender parity.

This years theme is #BeBoldForChange. A challenge for all to take a bold step towards achieving gender parity.

Being a mom to four girls it was obvious from an early age that it would be a fight to get them to not fall into a stereotypical box labelled “roles for woman.” That from school sports to toy adverts everything seemed to try and define them from an early age. 

I didn’t want this for them I wanted them to know that with hard work and determination anything was possible. That gender roles were a creation of society, not a must be. That being a woman is wonderful thing but should never be the reason to allow the world to treat you unequally.  

It’s far from easy being a woman in today’s society, whilst the barriers are falling they are taking their time. Woman are taking some of the top jobs in this country we only have to look at our current prime minister yet many woman are still having to make sacrifices that men would never consider.

Have you ever asked a man if he wants a “career or a family?” Probably not because for men the two are not mutually exclusive. Yet for a woman they often are.  

#BeBoldForChange. 

I want my daughters to be bold in all they do. To reach for their dreams, to become who they wish to be, not what society tries to conform them too.

I want a world where violence and sexual assault is never about what the girl wore or how much she drank.

A world where who they love is not judged. Where love is love regardless of sexuality.

I want my children to grow up in a world where every girl has the right to an education. 

A world where no man ever has the right to beat his wife and marriage is about love not ownership.

A world where no girl is at risk of Female genital mutilation for the illusion of purity. 


A world of equal pay and equal respect.


A world with no gender bias. 

It’s quite symbolic that a 100 years on we are still in need of an International Women’s Day it actually speaks volumes. 

That it is definitely time to #BeBoldForChange

I hope and pray that in less than a 100 years time women will be able to look back and see what we have achieved whilst living in a world of gender equality. Where gender parity is a given and a world where all are treated equal with respect and dignity regardless of their gender. 

Until that day 
#BeBoldForChange