Handmade in my heart.

It’s amazing how having a baby changes your life, in all areas, in everything.

The last few months have been a shock to the system. I miss my sleep. I miss eating my dinner in one go and I really miss drinking my tea hot.

Yet all these changes are so worth it when the little one looks up at me and smiles.

How is it possible to feel so much love in such a short time?

I am smitten.

My heart was in need of baby snuggles.

My arms in need of baby cuddles.

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Our house has been turned upside down and it’s amazing. My girls are the most incredible big sisters I could ask for, from changing bums to just giving my arms a break they have been so wonderful.

Open arms, open hearts.

I cannot believe how something so tiny can make such big changes.

Even today I found myself buying some new clothes not only wondering about style and fit but also if they are baby proof or will hide baby dribble well.

I also cannot believe how vast the world of baby stuff has become, from food to clothes to equipment the baby market has gone wild and I am loving it. There is so many things that I just want to get him, my husband is already fed up of hearing the words of “he would look so cute” or “he so needs this”.

Yet still I love things that are handmade, items created just for your little one. They just seem that little more special and nothing is more special than this beautiful star blanket crafted by the wonderful Naomi at Mama Naii’s.

 

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I actually saw a photo of one she had made previously and just fell in love and knew little man needed one. So after chatting about colours and size we soon became the proud owner of this wonderful blanket and this adorable Gerald giraffe. I wish I could show how much he loves it. Watching him hold on tight to the giraffe is so cute and seeing him cuddled up tight in his blanket is priceless.

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Naomi crafts some truly beautiful things and is always willing to chat about what exactly it is you want. I already have my second order in and I’m planning my third too.

So if you are like me and feeling blessed to have a little one in your life maybe take a visit to Mama’s Naii’s Facebook page, or Instagram page and have a look for yourself. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Freedom at forty 

Wow it’s official today I am forty years old. I know I should be freaking out moaning about the wrinkles but to be perfectly honest I love it. I am celebrating not just the coming of a milestone age but also the freedom in who I am.

  

Finally at forty I am comfortable in my own skin. I know the direction of my life and I’m content and fulfilled. 

I am celebrating more than 40 years on this earth. I am recognising my struggles, my heartbreaks, my relationships and the way they have all shaped me into the person I am today. 

  

I am looking back and seeing the many blessings I have had in my life. Celebrating my beautiful girls, my handsome boys, my wonderful husband.

I am grateful for the friendships that I’ve had, those that have stood the test of time and those that were brief but valuable. 

I can look back and see the life’s lessons I have had to learn. Some I got quickly some which took a little longer, all had value, all had purpose. 

I’m excited about the coming years, excited to embrace all the future has for me. 

I’m moving into my 40’s determined and head first. 

I’ve learned a lot over the last 4 decades and I’m hoping I will take this knowledge forward into new experiences and new memory making moments. I’m hoping that older may mean wiser but hey you know me. Heart first and the head a little later. 

So today Happy birthday to me, thank you to all the family and friends who have walked alongside me. Thank you for the memories and the moments and here’s to many many more. Bring on the next 40. 
  

Losing myself in space and time

I can’t explain how I am feeling today.

It’s rather strange I actually feel In two halves.

One half is so happy and so excited for the future. The other is sad and consumed with missing and the past.

Is this normal?

Are any of us ever in one space and time?

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I read a lot about being present and focussing on the here and now, but is that truly possible.

Can we really hold our mind in the present?

Our souls have grown through our memories and experiences. The life lessons we have learned are still actively teaching us.

Emotions, feelings, patterns, experiences aren’t they what control who we are and what we do?

What about those we have lost? If we stayed in the here and now wouldn’t that mean leaving them in the time behind us.

Do we all walk through life with one foot in the future and the other in the past?

Is there actually a present, I mean the next second makes that moment past.

I did warn you that I was feeling a little strange.

I mean for the presence to really exsist, it must mean that for a moment time is just constant, but we know that isn’t the case. Beyond the normal measurements of time that we recognise, seconds, minutes there is something more that is always in movement.

Always moving forward, never still.

Sometimes I wish I could just switch off my mind, I actually surprise myself at times where my thoughts and wonderings go. When I lose myself in my thoughts of the past and recreate memories in my mind I am still moving forward into the future.

So is my mind in the past or in the future?

Any ideas?

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Simply worth it.

How do you do it?

How do you move forward?

How do you breathe again?

These are only a few of the questions I get asked often regarding grief. When people are lost in the pain, in the missing they need anything to hang on to. I know I did and at times I still do. 

Grief is a unique journey, no two people can face it the same way. Your heart is individual so your pain will be too. 

Some have to scream and rage and allow the anger to be free. Whilst others bury the heartbreak deep, hiding under layer of layer of pretence.

I don’t think there is a right way to grieve it’s about survival and that’s to be found in each of us differently.

At times I have raged against the world, screamed at God and actually hated others for surviving. While other times I have pretended, hid myself under a camouflage of “I’m ok”.

I think one of the worse grief moments I have faced was when I was told by another mum that “she wouldn’t have survived losing her child” as if the fact that I’m still here now is a disrespect to my beautiful girl. That I failed to love her enough. 

This makes me so angry as I would have only failed my beautiful daughter if I had given up. If after watching her face battle after battle to live, I chose not to. 

Grief is unique no one can understand the journey unless they are walking it. It’s like explaining a space walk whilst on the ground. You cannot fathom it, you cannot come close. 

It’s a personal journey that people have to walk on their own but hopefully not alone. 
It has its own timetable for each and everyone of us. Sometimes it’s five steps forward seven back. 

The only advice I would offer is to be kind to yourself and to be true. Don’t hide how it hurts because if you don’t allow it out it will twist up inside of you. Speak to others, share your pain with those who are walking alongside you. 

Remember those you have lost as they were. Laugh at the antics they used to pull, smile at their characters. 

I truly believe they never leave you. So talk to them, let them know what you are up to, how much you miss them. I chat to Livvy daily, remarking on what are sisters are up to or how I may strangle her dad. 

I was struggling to find the words to end this post. How do I explain my relationship with grief? How to convey how I would face this pain a million times over for Olivia. That although it hurts like crazy it is so worth it, because I got to be mom to this beautiful, brave girl. 

  

  

Then I read a post from the beautiful Ann Voskamp and this just simply says it all. 

  

I would pay the price again and again because simply she was worth it. 

My desk 

Today’s post is supposed to be about my desk, yet when I look at my desk I feel overwhelmed it’s full of projects that need finishing, paperwork that needs completed and so many more bits and pieces that have yet to find a home. 

To be fair my desk is a fair reflection of my brain right now. Overloaded, unprepared and unfinished. 

Life is changing and I’m slowly picking up the pace but finding my feet has been exhausting but so exhilarating. My husband says I thrive in chaos and whilst I don’t enjoy being unorganised and playing catch up I do love being busy and having a full life. 

So my desk and I are just going to have to stay a little messy but we both are achieving some incredible things. 

  

My favourite quote.

I love absolutely love quotes, I have them in notebooks, on my walls and I even have a few tattooed. So choosing my favourite isn’t easy, so I’ve decided to go with one that inspires me to continue on.

 

“There is some good in this world, and its worth fighting for.” Tolkien

 

Tolkien is one of my favourite authors I can completely lose myself in his words. Travel in my mind into raging battles or on Elvish adventures, getting lost in the magical, incredible world of Tolkien’s imagination and creation.

 

There are many quotes from his works that I love but today I’m choosing this one.

 

With all that’s going on in this world it’s easy to lose sight of the good.

 

When the media is full of hate I want to hold on to hope.

 

It’s this hope that gives me strength, the strength to keep fighting against unfair systems, undemocratic governments and unjust decisions.

 

Why I will continue to advocate and educate about disability, social care and so much more.

 

There is good in this world and I will continue to keep fighting for it.

 

 

 

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My earliest memory 

I remember the chair in the corner, the smell that lingered in the air which I now know was from his cigarette smoke, strong and pungent but I loved it, it was him. Capstan full strength 

His smile and his eyes that sparkled, full of humour and intelligence. His old rocking chair which held me for so many hours. The book that always lay down by his side. 

My earliest memory is of my Grandad, sitting on his armchair having him read me book after book. Teaching me about the world and how wonderful it could be.

I miss him so much, his desire was for me to be the best person I could be. His constant reminder to be good to others, to treat them as you want to be treated. 

I remember him teaching me play cards, I was a card shark at four, taking on the pensioners around the pubs table.

I remember him teaching me to question. His favourite saying “the only stupid question is the one you don’t ask” is what I have passed on to my girls.

He gave me the freedom to dream.

He challenged me to think beyond the normal. 

Encouragement, trust, faith and love, these are my earliest memories.

These are my Grandad. 
  

My weekend 

My weekend is going to be a weird one. Tonight our little one has his first overnight at our local hospice and while a whole nights sleep sounds blissful I am really nervous.

He may have only been us for a few months but it feels like forever and handing his care over to another isn’t easy. My mind is full of “what ifs”. Yet I know that if I was going to trust him with anyone the staff at the hospice are some of the best. 

So yes this weekend is going to be a little different. We may venture to a playground for the day and I may escape for a few hours with my hubby for some quality time. It will be nice to be just husband and wife for a little bit. Have a chance to chat and catch up. I’m also excited to hopefully eat a meal without having to wipe a chin or rock a pushchair. 

But the nighttime is going to feel strange, but after three months of not having one full nights sleep I am looking forward to my bed.

I’m sure little one will be fine and will have a fantastic time. I’m sure I will worry lots but will also appreciate the time to recharge my batteries.

So this weekend Is going to be different but one where I will be extremely grateful for the wonderful support of our local hospice and all the amazing staff. 

  

Whoa its April and time for Blog A Day

Im excited to be joining in with the April Blog A Day set up by the awesome Tracey over at Tantrums and Glitter. It has been perfect for giving me some inspiration as I struggle to finish my university assignment and love on my children.

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So here is my first post of the month,

10 Facts about me. 

♥     I’m scared of clowns and snakes. (cannot even put a photo up as they scare me so terribly.)

♥     I cannot mix sauces or flavours together, my daughter tries to freak me out by mixing ketchup and mayonnaise and I have to leave the room.

ketchup-mayo   Seperate pots for separate sauces.

♥      I don’t wear matching socks unless they are brand new but get upset if my little ones don’t match.

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♥     I have a certain seat on my sofa and am worse than Sheldon (BBT) if someone sits on it.

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♥    I have my 14th tattoo booked ( so excited).

♥    I really really want to visit America so I can turn virtual hugs into real ones. I so want to hug this girlie tight, Special Mommy x 2. 

♥    I am an extremely proud, passionate mom.

img_1428-1.jpg   My four beautiful girls and my two amazing boys.

 

♥    My house is full of photos, so many that my daughters call the house a shrine.

♥    This November I would have been married for 20 years, wow everyone said we wouldn’t last.

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♥    I’m getting ready to celebrate my 40th birthday this month, which I may have mentioned before. 

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