Always

I am a mom that had to bury a child.

Yes I am that mom.

But I’m also a mom who was so very blessed.

I thank God every day that I got to be Olivia’s mom.

That I got to walk her journey with her.

Caring for this beautiful girl changed my life.

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I learned so much.

I learned about true love.

 

It’s not easy losing a child.

Wow what an understatement.

It’s so not easy 

I always will have a part of me missing.

Yet I would do it all again.

It a heartbeat.

 

Walk those hospital corridors

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Wait those endless hours for appointments

Fill those never ending prescriptions.

 

When you become a mother you take on many roles.

Carer,

Protector,

Teacher

 

When you have a special needs child these roles extend

 

Nurse,

Chemist,

Advocate

Fighter 

 

At times it feels like each day holds a new battle.

And yes we do get battle weary

But our children are always worth the fight.

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Birthday shopping

For the first time ever I was super excited about birthday shopping.

My family had given me the cash so that I could choice what I wanted for myself.

 

My list 

A new purse as my old one has broken.

A new spatula for baking

New clothes.

and some new undies.

 

So what did I get?

 

Well today I treated myself to some new make-up and some new nail polish.

 

But most importantly I have ordered some beautiful clothes.

 

Taking advantage of the ASOS sale i ordered this.

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And these gorgeous crop jeans from the So Fabulous range @ Very.

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What do you think?

 

I’m still on the search for a purse, nothing caught me eye today any suggestions?

I didn’t come across the spatula I wanted and as for underwear this is always a struggle, my boobs are so blooming awkward. ( I imagine you are so glad I shared that with you).

Anyway regardless of what I didn’t get I am super happy with my choices.

Birthday shopping is fun.

It’s my birthday

Today is my birthday I am 38 years old.

I cannot believe how amazing my 37th year has been.

I have finally found me.

That sounds crazy doesn’t it.

How do you lose yourself?

I don’t think i  actually ever lost myself because I don’t believe i had ever found myself before.

For so long I have tried to be who I perceived others wanted me to be.

Hiding my heart to keep others happy.

But its not honest and its certainly not a way to live.

 
I will be ok when I get my degree.

I will be better when I lose weight.

I will become nicer.

I will try to be kinder.

More open, more trusting

A better mom.

A better wife.

 

My list became endless and always out of reach.

 

No more.

 
I finally can see that.

I am kind hearted

I am a good friend.

Good mom.

Good wife.

I am beautiful.

I am so loved.

 
What a year!!!

I wish it hadn’t took 37 years to get to this place but hey ho I am here.

I am so excited to see what my 38th year will bring me.

I already have exciting things planned.

I mean I’m modelling for goodness sake.

Whatever happens I know it will be fun and filled with love, laughter and friendship.

What more can this birthday girl ask??

 

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Spreading their wings.

I’m throwing in the towel.

Where school holidays and the older two teenagers are concerned.

I seriously give up.

Nothing ever pleases them.

Nothing is right.

One doesn’t want to go out.

One doesn’t want to do childish things.

So I’m giving up trying to find things that make all happy.

The older teens can just bog off and that’s me being polite.

My younger two have the right to do things they enjoy and what the older two used to enjoy before they grew up into annoying pains.

So no more.

We are going to have fun without them.

Their choice not mine.

It’s not easy letting go but its time.

They need to spread their wings and I need to allow the younger two to be young.

I knew this time would come.

Just wish I was ready for it.

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My baby girl

Woo Hoo I’m modelling at Style XL

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

 

This quote pretty much sums up the journey I have been on over the last 12 months.

For so long I have been searching for acceptance from others.

Trying to be the person I believed they wished me to be.

Struggling to be happy being someone I’m not.

It’s took me a long time to realise that the only acceptance I really need is from myself.

If I don’t love me how can I ask others too.

So this is my journey.

I’ve searched my heart to learn more about myself.

What I want in life?

What I want to achieve?

I’ve also had to learn to appreciate the body I have.

It may not be the body of my youth but it has birthed four amazing girls.

Suffered a major assault and now fights the effects of fibromyalgia and spine damage.

So in light of all this it is pretty amazing.

So on this body confidence note

I want to tell you about something I am doing in August.

It’s something I would have never imagined I would ever do again.

On August 2nd  I am modelling as part of a plus sized event called Style xL

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I will be strutting my stuff alongside some beautiful ladies.

I still can’t believe I’m doing this but I am super excited and I know it’s going to be an amazing day.

I am truly thrilled and can’t wait.

Style XL is going to be the Midlands first ever plus size fashion event and it’s going to be amazing.

Organised by Leleicious the event will showcase some of the Plus size brands that exist in the UK.

There will be the opportunity to view the latest trends coming for 2015 and maybe even purchase something awesome from the market stalls.

Showcasing their beautiful clothes are the brands

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I am so excited I could burst.

It’s going to be a fantastic event.

I know the beautiful Leah has been working so hard to create this awesome day.

Seriously it’s going to be a truly inspiring day.

Of course if you want to see me conquer my demons and walk that catwalk you do need to come along.

 

Tickets are on sale now.

 

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Happy birthday Daddy, 60 Today

Today my dad celebrates his 60th birthday.

I am so excited to spend this special day with him.

I know everyone thinks their dads are amazing but I know my dad is ha ha.

I love my dad with all my heart.

Let me tell you a little about my dad.

He is always there for me and my family.

The endless nights I spent in the hospital with Olivia my dad was a constant visitor. Getting cuddles or holding her hand letting her know Grandad is was for her.

He was always there for her and for me too, especially when I really needed his strength. He was my rock.

Olivia like her sisters loves her grandad. Her eyes used to light up at the sound of his voice.

When the girls perform he is always there. So very proud of his granddaughters. His friends would testify to the pride he has of them. I’m sure they have been made to listen or watch videos of singing performances or Iceskating competitions over and over again.

Yet it’s not just the girls he opens his heart too. My two foster sons both have shared his heart. The man has been covered in vomit and dribble all given in love of course.

My dad is my inspiration. I have watched him work so hard for all he has achieved. I have watched him struggle but always caring for others first.

He Is an amazing man and besides him refusing to stow me away in his suitcase when he holidays at some amazing places I do love him with all my heart.

Happy Birthday Dad here’s to your sixties being full of happiness, laughter and love.

We love you xxx

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I can’t breathe

One True Media is closing down and have asked us to download our videos.

Sounds fine doesn’t it.

Just download the videos and you have them for your own.

So that’s what I do but then of course I stop to watch.

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The impact of pain just hits me smack in my stomach.

The video is of my baby girl.

So far away from me.

I want to just reach out through the screen and hold her.

Feel her hand in my hand.

It hurts so bad.

Will it ever stop feeling like a knife in my stomach?

Twisting, turning deeper and deeper.

I want to hold my daughter.

It’s not a lot to ask is it?

I can’t stop the tears as they fall

The gut wrenching sobs seem to echo around my room.

I want my baby.

Missing her is just too damn hard.

It’s not fair and right now I can’t see past the pain.

Grief is like a weight pushing down on my chest.

I cannot breathe

I don’t want to breathe.

Time isn’t a great healer.

Life just sucks

I want my baby back.

Please.

 

 

The Killing Season – Mason Cross

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This book took me a few pages to get used to. The swapping between three perspectives got me a little lost but before long it became second nature.

The book is exciting as it keeps you on the edge of your seat wondering where next the action will happen.

The anticipation is fantastic and I had me not wanting to put the book down as I just couldn’t wait to read what happened next.

Though at times I did wish it would venture more into the back story for two of the characters as I think that could be explored a little more.

The book has intrigue, it has human connection along with murder, mayhem and of course pure greed a perfect recipe for any good thriller.

I really enjoyed the character Blake and can’t wait to learn more about him in future books. He certainly seems to be a man with a story to tell.

A really good read with a realness about it that I admire. Looking forward to more from this author.

This book is released April 24th and for anyone who loves a good adrenaline packed thriller i highly recommend.

*I reviewed it as part of Net Gallery.

 

 

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Protecting ourselves

“We discover in ourselves what others hide from us and we recognize in others what we hide from ourselves.”

– Vauvenargues

 

I read this quote yesterday and it really got me thinking. I know I have often been chatting to people and recognised my worries, my fears in theirs.

But do they really see mine in theirs?

Can people really see my heart?

Then I got to thinking about what I hide from myself.

Thats sounds crazy doesn’t it?

How do you hide from yourself?

When we really look deep inside our hearts, our minds we will find thoughts, fears, worries that we are actually trying to hide from ourselves.

I know I do.

Its in the quiet morning hours when I cannot sleep that my mind becomes my greatest nemesis.

Attacking me with thoughts I believed were completely buried.

Its not nice and its never pretty.

 

So why do we hide these things from ourselves?

If we know them shouldn’t we face them and move on?

Its not that easy is it!

We protect ourselves from ourselves.

Now that is crazy.

 

But think about it remember the last time you felt panic.

Somehow you slowly talked yourself calm.

Reminded yourself to breathe.

You protected yourself.

 

So we know we do it but why do we do it?

My answer is simply because we have to.

Life has to go on.

We cannot live in the moment of our emotions all the time.

We have to be mothers and fathers.

We have to be employees or employers.

Wives, husbands, daughters, sons and friends.

We have to move forward.

Some will call it survival

call it life

 

Making a difference for sufferers of IBS

I suffer from a condition called IBS , Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Its not a major talked about condition, I believe people find the subject embarrassing. But as a sufferer it really impinges on my life.

In fact it affects the life of 1 in 5 people in the UK.

It’s one of those conditions that can impact on all of your life. Its also something that I am still trying to control.

So when asked to take a look at Bimuno I was intrigued.

 

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“Bimuno® Intestinal Bifidobacteria Aid (IBAIDi) s a new and convenient way to help maintain intestinal balance and comfort. This unique patented formulation has been specially developed by international experts in digestive health.

 

Bifidobacteria are naturally occurring ‘good’ bacteria, present in the gut, which help maintain gut health. Scientific studies indicate that the unique second generation prebiotic Galacto-oligosaccharide formulation of Bimuno IBAID, helps encourage and sustain a healthy level of these ‘good’ bacteria. By helping to increase and strengthen your Bifidobacteria, you can help to maintain intestinal comfort.

 

I am interested in this as its a prebiotic not a probiotic that means that it doesn’t contain live bacteria it just encourages your own “good bacteria”. Helping maintain a healthy intestinal balance.

Many people really underestimate the effect IBS can have on a person, just take a look at this article and read how this lady was suffering and how much Bimuno changed her life.

I have tried various methods over the last 20 years and after reading the reviews I certainly  think Bimuno is worth a try.

 

 

 

 

 

* This is a sponsored post.