New Year sadness

2013 is nearly over and no matter how hard I try to stay strong and hide behind a smile my heart is still aching.

I’m not good with the celebration of new year simply because I don’t feel like celebrating.

It’s the end of another year without Livvy.

It’s hard because all though I am excited for the future my heart still aches to be back in the time before that unforgettable day in November 2008.

New year is hard for someone who is grieving because there is a realisation that this is a whole year your loved one will not be part off.

And that blooming hurts.

So as I say goodbye to 2013 I am grateful for all the experiences and opportunities it has brought me.

I am blessed by those who have walked beside me. New friends and old.

I am excited for 2014 and all the adventures it will bring.

But I am sad and I think I will always be a little sad until my heart is whole again.

So Happy New Year to all my readers. Thank you for being part of my journey and thank you for allowing me to open my heart here on these pages.

And to all my friends who are grieving I walk beside you.

I also hold on to these words.

20131231-041035.jpgLivvy you will always live on in my heart.

2014 I’m coming for you.

After hearing the news of the passing of one not much older than me. I have reached a realisation.

Life is way to short.

I have been letting the ones who have walked away from me have too much of my headspace and allowing them to cause me heartache.

Not anymore

I am going to cherish those that walk alongside me. My pretty awesome husband Alan and my beautiful children. My fantastic dad and stepmom who are always there for me and of course my amazing friends.

I have had old friends come back into my life which I am so grateful for. People who I have missed dearly.

I have made new friends that now feel like they have been in my life forever.

I have a new church family and a place where my husband has found his faith, which I am so very blessed by.

I have been welcomed into a new community of plus size bloggers who have shown me that I am beautiful whatever my size. They have given me confidence I have never had.

I have friends that have stood by me for many years. Being a light in the darkness. Special needs parents, grieving parents all have walked along side me.

I am truly blessed.

2014 is going to be my year of moving forward.

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Every moment is a gift.

Dear Kate 

For a long time now I have followed your journey on Facebook the heartbreaking diagnoses of Tay-Sachs Disease for your beautiful daughter Brook has made my heart ache for you all.

You have walked this pathway with such strength I can only admire.

You desire to share every moment with Brook creating memories and making sure she knows she is loved is simply inspirational.

The photos of Brook have both blessed and broken my heart at the same time.

You are a amazing lady and I know you will not accept this but you are truly inspiring.

Your handsome son Jake has shown such courage and grace and I know you are so very proud of him. He is certainly an amazing big brother to Brook and a credit to you and the way you have raised him.

I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. I think back to the time when the hospital told us we would lose Olivia unless her seizures came under control. Even in that darkness we had hope and for a few more years we had that hope. But sometimes hope fades and for this my heart breaks.

Seeing Brook reach her third birthday was so wonderful and I actually screamed out loud when she was here for Christmas Day. My family all though I was crazy until I shared your story.

It was the sharing of this story then that made me decide to share It again here on my blog.

My husbands words of “every moment is a gift” struck straight at my heart.

You have struggled these last months but in a grace filled way that I have  respected greatly and if by sharing your story here I can help you to be able to cherish every moment you can with Brook then I’m happy to do so. I know I so wish I could do more.

 

SO…… 

Dear blog readers

I share with you the story of a beautiful little girl who has the terrible disease Tay-Sachs, who is now living on borrowed time. A little girl who is so very loved by her mommy and big brother and many many more.  Kate, is an amazing mom who wants nothing more than to spend as much time as she has with Brook.     To help Kate do this her friend has set up a giving page to raise funds to allow her take unpaid leave from work and to be by Brook’s side.

Every moment with Brook is priceless so please, please make a donation to this worthy cause. Nothing is too small honestly.

Please help me to help make every moment count for this beautiful family.

 

Dear Brook

Your are a beautiful young lady who has blessed the hearts of so many. You have shown such strength and courage. You have reminded us all of the gift of life.

I will forever hold you in my heart. xxxx

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Dear Kate 

The next days, months, years, forever are going to be hard but please know that although many miles separate us I am here for you always.

xxxxxxx

 

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

As we prepare for the coming of Christmas I am sure all over the country every person is feeling a little different inside.

Some of us are focusing on the birth of Jesus Christ.

Others are looking forward to family time.

Some are preparing for another day at work and for others its just another day in the year.

Whatever tomorrow means to you I just pray its a day full of joy and laughter.

This last year has certainly been a mixed one for me. I have experienced so many highs and a number of lows.

I have laughed, I have cried.

I have rejoiced and I have grieved.

Life is about making memories and sometimes those memories may not be ones of joy but maybe they were lessons that in some way I needed to learn.

Who knows

What I do know is this, over the last year I have been blessed by this blog and all it has brought into my life.

I have had experiences that have changed me.

Opportunities that have benefitted me.

But most of all its been about the people that I have met that have blessed me.

So to all those people old and new that I have met this year I wish you the very best Christmas ever.

Also to all my loyal readers I thank you for your support and your comments.You honestly don’t realise the impact you have had on me.

Your encouragement, your support but most of all your understanding is the reason I continue to write and share my heart on these pages.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and may your holiday be filled with love and laughter.

 

My greatest gifts.

With Christmas a day away I have been thinking a lot about family and in particular the joy I get from being a mother.

17 and a half years ago I began the journey of motherhood and not for one second have i regretted it. From the moment my children were planned they were loved. From the moment they were conceived they were cherished.

Being a parent isn’t easy. I have made mistakes and I have struggled but my girls were and are the greatest gifts ever.

I look at my children now and they are nearly grown and it scares me. Next year my eldest will leave for university and my heart is fearful.

How do you let them go?

From the moment I saw that second blue line I have done all that I can to protect my beautiful girls. I feel I failed when Livvy died. I couldn’t protect her from Rett Syndrome.

Now I’m scared I will not be able to protect my girls from the world.

How do you let them go?

How do you find the courage to loosen the ties and give them the freedom they need to grow.

I guess this is where it comes down to trust.

Trust that you have raised them to be wise and keep themselves safe.

Trust in them.

It’s not easy and I think now of Mary and that moment when God asked her to carry Jesus.

How brave she was.

How faithful she was.

Did she know her son was to be persecuted?

Did she know he will become our Saviour?

I cannot imagine her pain.

But I can admire her courage.

Her trust.

She knew that her son was in the hands of God.

I know my girls both here and in heaven are also in his hands.

I trust.

True friendship

I grew up not really having close friends. Family complications left me having no time to build true friendships.

Yet it is something I desperately wish for.

A group of pals to go to lunch with. Someone to text, call when I was feeling low.

Crazy giggles at our kids antics or our spouses blunders.

I want someone I can share my deepest feelings with.

It’s something I have hoped for. For a long time.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not a complete sad case. I do have friends but I don’t have close friends and I really don’t know why?

I’m not sure if it is because of my inner fear of rejection. Do I hold people at arms length without realising it?

Am I simply lousy at keeping relationships going? I know I do my own head in at times so I easily accept I could do this to others.

This year has been a hard one and besides my husband I have felt really alone.

I don’t want this.

I want to open my heart to a friend.
Seek advice from someone who really knows me.

To share my hopes and fears and listen to theirs.

I want to be there where my friends need me. To have them know I’m there for them always.

I don’t know why I feel so alone right now, but I do know I want it to be different.

Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything. – Muhammad Ali

I want to learn.

Walk A Mile

“Never judge a woman until you have walked a mile in her shoes”.

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There are many versions of the above quote but the sentiments are all the same and it’s something that’s really on my heart right now.

 I see social media full of timelines of criticism and judgement and my heart sinks. None of us anywhere at anytime knows exactly how another is feeling.

Yet we are quick to jump to conclusions.

 We need to stop and think a little.

We do not know what is happening in the lives of others so we need to learn to be more compassionate and less judgmental.

The shop assistant who is going slow may have been up all night tending to a sick child.

The driver that cuts you up maybe rushing to the hospital for the birth of his child.

There are so many things we cannot see.

Yet we are still so willing and so eager to cast judgement.

The friend that doesn’t return your call.

How easy is it to feel anger and upset.

To feel let down.

Still we need to think beyond the moment.

Does the friend normally reply straight away?

Is there a reason why they cannot?

We are viewing life from an internal perspective.  Yet to really enjoy life and be happy we need to think externally.

Think of others first.

 

When we focus less on ourselves and more on others we find that we are happier.

Remember the joy you feel when you give a gift.

The pride you feel when you help someone.

I honestly believe that loving on others is loving yourself.

Most of us wish to be nice people but it doesn’t come as easy as you expect.

Its an internal world.

Its a selfish world.

But to make it different we can only start with ourselves.

So before you react in frustration or anger remind yourself to never judge.

You never know what journey the other is on.

A woman walks with flip flops in Washington, July 15, 2003.

Dear Fatty

Last week I had a lovely comment on my blog. I use the word lovely as sarcastically as possible as the comment was in fact a insult.

Someone, some troll had decided I needed to be taken down a peg or two and tell me that I was fooling myself if I believed that I was anything but a fatty.

 How nice!

 Yet the thing that got me about this comment was my reaction.

 I seriously couldn’t give a crap. (Thats me being polite).

Six months ago that comment would have sent me to my knees. I would have cried and hated myself.

But last week I just laughed.

You see I have finally accepted something about myself.

Yes I’m a fatty 

 But you know what?

I am blooming beautiful too.

So thank you Miss xxxxxx for your comment last week. You made me realise how far I have come on my journey.

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Dear Santa – I’ve been a good girl

The last few months I have been working  my way through my children’s christmas lists hoping I get everything they want. It’s one of the best things about this celebration watching the joy on my children’s faces as they rip away the wrapping paper and find the surprise inside.

Yet the other day my husband asked me if I had written my list for Santa. I hadn’t I focus so much on getting gifts for others because thats what I love to do I hadn’t sat down and thought about what I would like.

So I decided today I would write my list and share it with you all.

So here goes and in no particular order.

First up is something that is always on the top of any wish list that I write books. My passion for books started when I was a young girl and is still as strong today. Nothing beats the adventures you can find between the pages of a good book.

My first choice is a set of books which I have read many times but thanks to borrowing them to my children I am in need of a new set.

The wonderful books by J.R.R Tolkien. The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings. I love this set so much. Tolkien was a writer that took many on this wonderful magical adventure. We learn of strength, courage and honour but the biggest lesson for me was always compassion.

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My second choice again is a book. I came across the programme Duck Dynasty by chance a few months ago and I have fallen completely in love with the family. I am now just reading one of the books written by family members Wille and Korie Robertson and it is a truly lovely book so my second choice is the book written by the patriarch of the family Phil Robertson, Happy Happy, Happy.

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My third choice is a bag, now its not a well known fact but I do have a bit of an obsession with handbags but lets be honest after seeing the Cath Kidston Pembridge Rose Everyday bag who wouldn’t? I have wanted a Cath Kidston bag for a long time and this material is beautiful.

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My fourth choice is simply stunning. A beautiful dress made by the talented designers Scarlett & Jo. I saw this dress back in September at the Plus North event and fell in love then with it. I just think its beautiful, don’t you?

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My fifth choice on my list is a Hydrocotton Robe from The White Company. A friend of mine brought me one of these robes about 6 years ago and now it is looking a little untidy and worn. I would love to replace it with this elegant robe.

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So there is it my Christmas list for Santa and I promise I have been a good girl. xxxxxx

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