Not ready for you to be a grown up.

This weekend I had to face something I don’t think I was prepared for. Next year my daughter will leave home for university.

That scares the pants off me.

Don’t get me wrong I was aware it was happening. I mean she has been driving me mad about visits and personal statements. Still I don’t think it hit home until she uttered the words ” I have an offer”.

How did this happen?

One moment I was holding my firstborn in my arms and next she is talking about halls, lectures and leaving home.

I so wish I had a rewind switch.

I am so not ready for her to be so grown.

I understand this has to happen and I am also mindful that it is months and a few very important exams away but this still has me reeling today.

She is my firstborn, the one who I learned all about this mothering lark with.

The one I swaddled so badly she nearly suffocated.

The one whose sweet tears broke my heart on the first day of school.

University really?

I am so very proud of her determination to get the career of her dreams. I am so impressed by how hard she works.

But does she really have to be so grown?

This girls drives me to distraction and so many times I have considered packing her bags but the reality that this time next year she will be gone is not one I am ready to acknowledge.

Denial, yes please.

Not ready for you to be grown.
Not ready for you to be grown

Spiralling

What is it about October that makes me spiral?

I find myself full of conflicting emotions.

Hope, Grief, Anger, Joy

The roller coaster doesn’t seem to want to stop.

I want to raise awareness about Rett Syndrome, to share with all the hope of the cure.

Yet the stark reality that it is to late for Livvy tears at my heart.

I am so excited about hope then I’m so broken hearted for my loss.

If i was asked to describe how I am feeling right now I think the word I would use is LOST.

I am so lost its crazy.

I don’t feel part of anything anymore. Its as if I’m on the outside looking in.

I don’t know which camp I am in or if I actually want to be in one.

Crazy right ?

This is what October does to me.

Its the step closer to the anniversary of Livvy’s death and I don’t want to go there.

I don’t want November to appear.

I don’t want another year to be added to my missing.

I want hope.

How can I be so conflicted?

How can I want to spread hope when my heart is torn?

Talk of future when she has none.

Still how can I not?

Livvy never gave up.

I cannot let her down.

Doesn’t mean that it not going to hurt like hell though does it?

giving up

 

I still can’t believe I did it.

Last thursday I did something so far out of my comfort zone that if i didn’t have photographic evidence I would be sure I dreamt it.

I travelled for two hours to have a makeover.

Thats right, self conscience me had a makeover.

Then after this makeover I had a photo shoot.

A photo-shoot, crazy right!!!

See what I mean about not believing it, I still can’t.

The thing is it was so amazing and I absolutely loved every minute of it.

I have been on a permanent high since then.

I have mentioned Betty Pamper on here before she is one of the plus size bloggers who really have started me on a journey towards loving the body I have.

To start embracing my curves rather that the hatred I have aimed towards them for many years.

My awe of Betty increased last month when I actually got to meet her in person. She was so lovely and she and her awesome hubby  Nicky made me feel at ease straight away. Betty is one of those woman who what you see is what you get. That something I admire and feel comfortable with.

So imagine my delight when I found out that the husband and wife team plus the stunning Lilly Von Pink offered make up tutorials, makeovers and photo-shoots.

The Vintage Pamper box offers a lot more including bridal make-up, wedding photography and so on.

Anyway I decided as a treat to myself and go for it.

I have discovered a new love for makeup over the last year or so but loving makeup doesn’t always mean you apply it right so I decided to have myself a tutorial as well as a makeover.

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Well Thursday was incredible from the moment Betty opened the door to me. I felt so at ease with both Betty and Lilly. I learned loads from the tutorial and loved the results from the makeover. But if I’m honest I think it was the photo-shoot that made the day for me.

Nicky  (Betty’s hubby) is crazy and he made me feel relaxed straight away. I turned from a woman who hates the camera to loving every minute of the posing. It was such a hoot. I even know which is my best side now ha ha.

I am now waiting on tender-hooks for the delivery of the photos. I am so excited to see how they turned out.

But to be honest the photos will be the topping on an incredible day that has really changed the way I view myself.

It was a confidence boost that I sorely needed.

I will never be able to go back to the old size 10 I used to be. Medication, illnesses make it nearly impossible for that to happen.

But you know what I don’t care anymore, I am pretty amazing just the way I am.

Thanks Betty, Lily and Nicky for giving me a new respect for myself and anyone thinking of having a day like this I whole heartily say go for it. Its changed me so much.

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*** This photo was taken by my hubby Alan, I can’t wait for the professional ones

Am I over it?

Are you over it?

Isn’t it about time now?

How long are you going to grieve ?

My answer to the above questions are No, No and forever.

A friend of mine was hurt by someone asking her “why she wasn’t over the death of her child”. This is a question I have been asked in one form or another for the last 4 years.

I’m not sure how to answer this question politely when in truth I want to scream “what the hell”.

What surprises me the most is that at times this comes from parents. People who have their own children.

I tend to find myself smiling and maybe changing the subject when i really want to ask them something.

I want them to look at their son or daughter and try to imagine a world where they are taken away from you.

Not a nice thought is it?

Imagine never being able to hold your child in your arms ever again.

To never hear them call you mom or dad once more.

It’s a awful thought right?

The dreams you have for them gone.

The future without them.

Everything you do from the moment they passed is now without them.

They are now only memories that you hold in your heart.

So am I over losing Livvy.

No chance!

I will never be over losing Livvy. My heart is forever missing a piece.

When you have a child part of you is in them. That part of me has died.

I have a empty space that will never be filled.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t live, of course I do. I live, love and laugh.

What it does mean is that I will never be the same again.

So people even with the best intentions in the world never ask a grieving parent if they are over losing their child.

Grief like love has no time frame.

So please don’t ask me to get over losing Livvy . You may as well ask me to stop breathing.

To all my grieving friends I love you xxx

I ‘am” a mom of a disabled child.

After losing Livvy many was surprised by the fact that I stayed part of the disabled world.

The place that I was given no choice to join I was now making a conscious decision to belong to.

I was surprised by this because for me there wasn’t really any choice.
You see I had never left.

From the moment Olivia was born I became part of this world. I became a mom to a disabled child.

When she died I was still a mom of a disabled child.
I still care about fighting to get support for families with disabled children.
I’m determined to continue to raise awareness for Rett syndrome and fundraise for the financial backing needed for research.
 I’m still going to care.
This is still my life.
 
Having Olivia may have been the entrance door which I walked through, but once you enter this world you don’t leave.
It has your heart
It has your soul.
I wasn’t a mom of a disabled child.
I am a mom of a disabled child. 
ALWAYS MY CHILD

Shall I give in?

I am having an ongoing argument with my husband regarding the size of our television. It seems we are so far behind that we are to quote him “embarrassing.”

He tries so hard to tell me about how amazing it would be to have a new Smart TV and how it would add to my viewing pleasure.

I argue back with comments that viewing  pleasure should be gained from the actual programmes we are watching.

He obviously disagrees and launches into a fully prepared defence regarding the need for surround sound and 3D.

He tries to convince me that investing in a new up to date television with 3D will save us money in the long run as it’s cheaper to watch films at home than having to go to the actual cinemas. That the girls would love it and that here at home we can have popcorn and endless drinks without taking out a second mortgage.

I can see his point there.

That having the ability to watch films in 3D will add to my viewing pleasure.

That the kids would think I was the most amazing mom it the world.

Times are changing he tells me and I need to keep up.

That man should have been a salesman.

I argued against our first wide screen television. I believed I was happy with the old square one. Yet  after one episode of CSI  I was hooked.

So am I swaying to his point of view or to quote the man himself ” coming over to the dark side ” ( seriously this man really doesn’t help himself).

I think it’s the cinema at home experience that may finally convince me. Trying to get to the actual cinema is hard work. Babysitters tend to get used for school concerts or children’s events.

I wouldn’t mind getting to experience the cinema experience right from my sofa it would be  a lot more comfy than those cinema chairs.

Maybe I will give in but not to until I have negotiated unlimited supplies of popcorn and coffee.

 

 

*This is a sponsored post.

Kid”s Capture the Colour

Brodie my youngest was excited to take part in this years Kid’d Capture the colour competition and exciting way to get kids interested in photography but also allow them to be more aware of whats around them.

Now Brodie was excited when she first received her camera but the art of patience is lost on my child and it wasn’t long before she got frustrated at not getting the perfect shot first time.

Saying all this I don’t think she has done too bad.

RED – I love this one it is rather edgy.

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YELLOW – this one was taken from a distance and simply because she liked the car.

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BLUE – This I think is my favourite as I love sky photos.

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WHITE– This is her favourite ornament of mine, what other reason do you need?DSCF0215

GREEN – Her foster brothers favourite toy.DSCF0054

 

All together not to bad. We were selected to receive a digital camera to take part in this competition. Unfortunately we received ours after our summer holiday otherwise I do believe the scope may have been wider.

Keeping on top of it.

One fantastic thing about being the mom to teens and pre teens is shopping. The joy I get from being dragged around shop after shop for hours and hours at a time.

Do you detect a hint of sarcasm there?

I am not a fan of shopping at the best of times. Don’t get me wrong I do have a new found love of fashion but prefer to order from the comfort of my sofa.

Add to this dislike the adorable (annoying) different styles of my three girls I seriously dread the changing of the seasons and the need for appropriate clothes.

I love the changing of the leaves and the coming of the colder months but I hate the chore of finding new coats for my tribe.

Different tastes, different styles, annoying children leaves one frustrated mom.

With fashion changing and new trends emerging its important to in the words of my daughters “to keep on top it”. It seems its a cardinal sin to be seen in last years coat.

So the search was on.

One wanted one of the new tartan coats that seem to be everywhere. Tartan is the new trend it seems.

Another wanted a parka, something long enough to go over her blazer and hide the fact that she has too, in her words “ wear the dorky thing” and the little one well she had no clue ( helpful right).

The last four weeks have drove me insane. I honestly believed starting early would make it easier for me but no it seems the more time you give teens to look the more times they change their minds.

We have had numerous trips to town and hours spent pouring over the internet and finally I have a slight victory. Well the two teens have coats woo hoo.

I still have the little one (can i call a 12 year old that) to find a coat for but compared to the older two she is a breeze. (Please don’t let me be eating my words in a few weeks time).

Tartan didn’t happen but the parkas did, we have two very different but equally attractive coats and I have for the moment two happy teenagers.

Long may it last.

IMG_8985teens

* this is a sponsored post