Hope

I had a realisation last night that I had given up on hope.

Hope of peace, hope of friendship and so much more.

I finally understood what my husband had been saying when he tells me I have been holding people at arms length.

Scared to push forward.

I have held back from joining groups.

Stopped taking part.

Just digging deeper into myself.

I had let fear become greater than hope in my heart.

I can blame it on many reasons but i believe the main three to be

Fear of rejection and failure

Self confidence

Self punishment

I am so fearful I will get hurt again that I have closed of my heart.

Scared to live life openly and fully.

Self confidence, when you grow up never feeling good enough it’s a hard journey to get to a point when you can look in the mirror an say “believe”.

Self punishment – I have a lot of baggage here. From a wild youth of drinking, drugs to the blaming myself for losing Livvy. Second guessing decisions that wasn’t mine to make.

I had lost HOPE.

So today I am setting myself on a new path.

One where I start to believe again.

One where I start to trust again.

One where I start to hope again.

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Gutted

Well today’s blog post was supposed to come to you all from the beautiful Gower coast. But thanks to a faulty air flow thingy we are back at home gutted that we won’t be visiting the sea anytime soon.

To be perfectly honest it could be worse but right now it doesn’t feel like it.

I have sad kids and a broken minibus so all is simply not great right now.

It’s been a hard 6 months with family issues, Eden’s diagnoses and my health worries so we all so needed this break.

I was so looking forward to recharging my batteries from the sea and my kids were looking forward to just being kids.

So right now we are all feeling pretty low.

Grateful that we all managed to get home safe and sound.

But gutted as we all really needed a break.

So ironically we are broken like the minibus.

Walking a new path

Now I’m not new to special needs. I am versed in the medical terms and the reality of it all but to be honest nothing has really prepared me for the pathway I have been walking this last few months.

 

Aspergers  is a condition I have known about for a while but not something I was ready to admit my daughter had, even if I have suspicions for well forever.

 

To be perfectly truthful I have known for a long time my daughter had her own way of doing things.

 

Literal thinking to the extreme.

 

Communication issues

 

Confusion

 

Obsessions

 

Self doubt

 

No concept of sarcasm.

  

Yet I have just related them to her being her mothers daughter 😮 I mean I so don’t get people at the best of times and weird obsessions, well lets not go there.

 

But over the last year we have noticed how much she has struggled and it has broke our hearts.

 

So when something came to a head a few months ago we took the plunge and asked for a referral to have her assessed.

 

Well the assessment has happened and what should have taken over 6 months has now been amended into waiting for an appointment for the official diagnoses.  It seems she is showing all the characterizes of a child with Aspergers and to quote the therapist “she is obvious”. Hence the quicker appointment.

 

Now ok, this has been a shock to the system but lets be honest it doesn’t change who she is. She is still Eden to us. It will just help us, help her as she grows and goes through life.

 

She is an amazing young lady with a mind that is so vast and so knowledgable. I am just hoping this diagnoses and the support she will get will help her find her way a little easier and to be a little kinder to herself.

 

So now we wait to see the consultant and officially start our new pathway into the world of Aspergers.

 

 

 

So am I after your body?

Seriously at times I have considered getting rid of the pre-approval of comments on my blog and just trusting in the human race.

But then a couple of months ago I had quite an aggressive one about me being a bad mother so I left well alone.

But nothing prepared me for today’s highlight.

A few weeks ago I wrote this post about starting to learn to love and respect myself as I am.

It was a well received post with a lost of people tweeting, messaging me saying they also are trying to get into that place too.

Well today I was surprised to receive this comment.

“This isn’t about finding yourself it’s about getting attention cause you are vain. Or maybe you are after a sympathy shag”.

Seriously how in the world do I respond to that?

Obviously this person believes my journey is about vanity rather than self confidence and self respect.

To be perfectly honest I’m in shock at this response. I don’t believe I was courting attention at all.

I wasn’t going to publish this as to be honest I was embarrassed but you know what that’s how bullies work. By making you stay quiet and question who you are.

My journey is simply that MINE. It’s something I am going on for me.

I share it so others can relate not to procure sexual favours.

Enough said !!!!

Comment deleted >

No more school

So that’s it, it is now officially the school holidays. Every child is happy that for the next 6 weeks they have no stress or wake ups for school.

I’m actually feeling positive about the coming weeks.

Of course it’s all helped by the holidays we have booked. This weekend we are off to sunny (it better be) South Wales the beautiful Gower. I can not wait.

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To be truthful when we first brought the touring caravan I did wonder if we would actually use it but it has been amazing. Our foster son especially loves it and being a constant it really helps with autistic stresses.

We have certainly had our monies worth out of it and there is nothing better than sitting in a field, campsite and watching the night sky.

I love it.

The only thing that stresses me out is cooking for us all when we are away. With a family of six eating out everyday is not viable.

We do have an oven in the caravan but its only tiny and my kids like their food.

We are considering one of those Cadac portable BBQ.

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What do you guys think?

Have you used one?

Are they any good?

I’m also after some camping cooking recipes a if anyone has any good ones.

I am super excited, yes packing is tiring but I cannot wait to escape onto the beautiful beaches of the Gower.

Bring on the weekend.

Lets make more memories just like this one.

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For the new prince.

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

We all have a responsibility in life.

To leave this world in a better place than when we entered it.

With the whole country celebrating the birth of a new prince I lay the above quote at his feet.

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Prince Cambridge you have be born into a world which has many struggles but it is also a world full of inspiration.

The above quote is a decision we all need to make.

A choice of how we live our lives.

I pray for the new prince as I pray for each of us.

May your gift to this world be

One of love.

One of hope

One of inspiration.

Life buoy please

Every time I visit my daughters grave I feel a little more wrecked inside. The pieces that were starting to heal shatter again.

Will it ever get easier?

Why do I have to visit my daughter at her grave?

Why is laying flowers the only thing I can do for her now?

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I’m angry today

It feels so unfair

So unjust

When there is so much evil in the world why did we have to lose such innocence?

I know it’s crazy but somedays I can ride the sea of grief but today I am drowning.

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Image courtesy of Victor Habbick at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Anyone have a life buoy?

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Image courtesy of cbenjasuwan at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Belong

Sometimes I wonder about life, about the connections we are all supposed to make to survive.

Friendship, marriage and so much more.

 

I have these connections but somehow i find myself wondering of the truth of them all.

 

For so long I have wanted to be part of something.

 

Something so much more than just me.

 

A group, a set , a club

 

Yet the baggage of childhood holds me back.

 

You cannot belong

 

You aren’t good enough

 

They will see the real you.

 

Should that feel wrong “seeing the real me”

 

Would that be so horrible ?

 

Is who I am so terrible ?

 

This is a journey that at times feels like there is no end.

 

I am tired of being on the outskirts I want to enter in.

 

But fear holds me back

 

I’m so scared of rejection.

 

I guess the real question is this

 

Is my desire to belong greater than my fear.

 

I pray so

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Therapy in print

They are just words on a page to many but for me right now it’s the beating of my heart.

A day of joy

A day of pain.

They fall out of my soul like rain from the clouds.

For so long writing has been my freedom. The only way I could bring the storm inside of me to calm.

As the words fly across the pages my heart returns to its normal beat.

There are days where I ache to write.

When my mind is full of stories and memories , I yearn for time to allow them to just flow out.

My hands twitch with the need.

To free the mind with a pen.

Many don’t understand to them writing is a chore.

For me it’s a gift.

A need.

The excitement of a new notebook

The pleasure in a new pen that flows.

Words are my heart, I need them to stay sane.

From childhood diaries to grown up journals they have always been my friends.

My very best friends.

The only ones who have known the real me.

The closest confidants I’ve ever had.

The only places I don’t have to hide my heart.

At times they aren’t pleasant places. No structure, no sense.

Full of pain in twisted sentences and unfinished paragraphs.

No editing here just truth spilled out.

Truth is a hard journey at times, but to move forward acceptance has to be found.

In my words I can find that peace.

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Thanks to Adam @ Cannock Ink for my new tattoo.

Miracles didn’t happen.

It’s a well known fact that I’m not domesticated in fact I loathe domestic chores.( I may have mentioned this before ha ha). I honestly believe that those who say they enjoy cleaning really need to seek help as its so beyond me.

Yet for the last twelve months I have been one of Panasonic bloggers. Learning about the new products they have to offer. Being part of the group has been fun even if my husband is right and they only had me as a test subject ie, if we can convince that domestic phobic to use out products we can convince anyone.
Anyway a couple of months  ago I had spent my last day with the Panasonic team and came home with a new vacuum cleaner in tow.
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The Panasonic Eco-max Light 

 

Now after my new found love of baking thanks to the awesome Panasonic combi oven my husband was hoping and praying that the cleaner would turn me into a domestic goodness and he could finally hang up his rubber gloves.

 

Well sorry miracles haven’t happened ?

 

As much as the vacuum cleaner is lightweight and easy to use. I still hate cleaning.

 

We have been using this vacuum cleaner for the last few months and to be honest with a house full of four children and one crazy labador it has done well. It has a very strong suction which has kept our floors clean.

 

It is very lightweight and has been easier for the kids to use, so much that at times we have even seen their bedrooms floors.

 

It does have a fantastic head which rotates around corners and under funtuture better than any previous cleaners we have had.

 

It is very Eco- friendly using less energy but is still incredibly powerful.

 

It is a pretty good vacuum cleaner but seriously I’ve tried to get excited about cleaning but its not happening.

 

My husband has been using it more than me and the one comment  he had was that he would have preferred better tools. The nozzle tool is so tiny and although it does stop us sucking up lego blocks etc it is a little small for us. Making cleaning the stairs a longer job then neccsary.

 

As i’ve stated it is a great light weight vacuum cleaner and for a lady like myself who suffers with bone issues it has made cleaning eaiser just not more attractive ha ha. Because of its lightweight size it has put less pressure on my joints.

 

I honestly feel like I’m not doing this cleaner justice so I’m going to let the experts tell you about it.

 

It is a great lightweight hoover and well worth checking out.

 

Disclosure – I was given a vacuum cleaner for the purpose of this review all opinions were my own or in this case my husbands too.