God will show the way.

I’m delighted to be joining back in with Bonnie’s faith jam. We missed you honey!

 

Sometimes I lie awake tossing and turning. My mind racing away, analyzing decisions then reanalyzing them.

 

I change my mind numerous times not knowing which is the right way.

 

Forwards, backwards, left or right.

 

Yet the truth is I forget to do the most important thing.

 

I forget to pray.

 

Jesus tells us not to worry, but how many hours do I waste to this evil?

 

Why aren’t I on my knees, why do I forget to pray?

 

Becoming a Christian meant I trust my life to God.

 

So why aren’t I showing him trust?

 

Why do I fall back into my own wicked ways?

 

I know and understand the core of my trust issues, but these cannot hold me back anymore.

 

I need to trust

 

I need to lean on the Lord

 

I need to open my heart

 

God will find a way.

A holiday to recover from this one

I’m exhausted

The thoughts in my head are struggling to make sense.

I can’t hear myself think

As much as I love my children I fed up of being their amusement, cash point, referee.

I thought it was supposed to be easier as they get older?

I admire they dedication in their pursuit to drive me insane.

I’m finding myself saying phrases like “just because” “I don’t want to know” and “give up”.

Where did the grace I started the holidays disappear to?

Like rain tumbling down the drain my patience has slowly left the building.

Ive tried, I’ve drew, I’ve shopped, I’ve played, I’ve listened , i’ve refereed but I’m tired.

The holidays are too long

I need a holiday to recover from this one.

20120828-032152.jpg

I’m one proud mommy

One of my main worries after losing Livvy was the way her death affected my other children. They were growing up so quick facing the teenage years, senior school etc etc.

My eldest Kennedy found concentrating at school really hard her emotions at times were overwhelming for her. This let to a lot of panic attacks and nervous eczema.

So today there is not a prouder mommy in the world. Kennedy has just picked up her GCSE results and has done amazing.

I am so delighted in these results but I mostly I’m so proud of her determination to overcome and succeed.

I love my girly so much.

Well done Kennedy you have your mom and dad so very very proud.

20120823-105437.jpg

We need a cure now

Sometimes I just want to scream, everywhere I go I find my memories. I cannot hide, should I want to hide?

I feel emotions from every angle, grief, anger, loss, fear.

Is it wrong to want to hide?

Facebook is full of the devastating news that another girl has lost their life to Rett syndrome in fact I found out that it’s another two.

Heaven is filling up too quick with our angels. It’s not right, it’s not fair. The cure needs to be found now!

Of course when I hear this tragic news my heart goes straight to the family. My heart aches as I know the pain they are facing, my heart still bear’s the burden of this pain.

Burden of pain, is it wrong to say that?

To be so exhausted of my emotions to be complete depleted by the endless pain.

I hate Rett syndrome with all my heart. It’s evil, it’s wicked. It’s the reason I cry myself to sleep most nights, it’s the reason I have to close my eyes and dream of holding my daughter again.

Please let’s have this cure now. Let my heart be filled with hope for my friends and their daughters.

Let my exhaustion become their exhilaration.

20120822-010527.jpg

A price on pride

Oh my goodness whose idea was this long summer holiday. What started off in good grace is on the verge of meltdowns and tantrum’s and thats just us the parents.

 

My children are so bored but to be honest I can’t  afford to keep them occupied all the time, the little ones its not as hard but teenagers don’t really want to play on the park anymore. Its all cinemas, shopping trips all which involve money.

 

We are one of the lucky ones, thanks to our touring caravan we have been away for two of the last four weeks but still time is starting to drag on.

 

Im sure its time for school to return, NO another two weeks to go.

 

Thursday is “D” day in our home its GCSE results day, I can see my eldest getting more nervous as the week progresses. I’m sure she has done fine, I know she has tried her hardest and thats all a parent can really ask.

 

One thing I have been really confused by is the reward scheme some parents are offering for good grades. £50 for an A, £40 for a B and so on. I know it is down to personal choice but I want my daughter to work for herself, for her future, not for a monetary award. These GCSE results will get her a place in the 6th form of her choice. That should be the target.

 

I do worry about this, its already caused arguments in my home. I want my daughter to know i’m proud of her without my pride having a monetary value attached. I couldn’t afford to show my pride in her if this is the case.

 

I want my daughter to have ambition for the end result, the university degree, the job of her dreams.

 

Am I as she has suggested a little old fashioned?

 

A job of the heart

Seriously I need a holiday to get over this last holiday. Im so tired that all I want to do is sleep. It does serve me right for the late nights outside the caravan chatting till the early hours.

 

Though I would do it all again in a flash, to be surrounded by people that understand my life and the choices I’ve made is priceless.

 

Many people were surprised when we decided to be foster carers, yes they understood our love for children but hey wasn’t four of our own enough. But the shock when we decided we wanted to foster children with special needs was apparent.

 

Many couldn’t understand why we wished to return back to a world we had escaped from.

 

Firstly I was blessed to be a mother of a child with special needs, it wasn’t easy but it certainly was a blessing. The joy,the innocence that Livvy brought to our lives was immeasurable.

 

Don’t get me wrong when I first realized that Livvy was disabled I went through a barrage of emotions, grief for the child she wasn’t to be, the graduation I wasn’t going to get to attend the fact that she would never fall in love get married all of this caused me pain and so much more. Our lives were simply turned upside down. Accepting that you could never just grab a coat and leave to go out was a shock, the planning, the medicines the pads, etc etc. Life was never going to be carefree but my goodness it was amazing.

 

I never wanted to escape this world.

 

Livvy taught us about the simple things in life, how to make this day count. How to think outside the box. It also brought us in contact with friends who have become family along the way.

 

So when Livvy died our life was so different, yes we could just do things on the spur of the moment. No planning just get up and go, no ordering prescriptions or specialist equipment, we became normal and we hated it.

 

We loved caring for Livvy as a family it became a role we all enjoyed, my girls matured into beautiful young ladies who thought for others. Who understood that there was more to life that just themselves. Alan and I missed the feeling of being needed, really needed.

 

So taking our future plans of fostering we made them the present. We had a unique skill set and we decided to use them.

 

And we haven’t looked back.

 

Our job is challenging and at times its frustrating. Its completely exhausting but always, yes always worth while.

 

Fostering is not a job you do for the money, its a job you do for your heart. So many children need stable loving families we are blessed that we get the opportunity to offer this to one.

 

As for me and mine we love it.

 

 

 

The elephant in the room


Losing a child Is the worst pain I could ever describe. It’s unbearable, it’s inconsolable its everything your nightmares  are made off.
You close your eyes and pray that tomorrow you may wake up to find that it all has  been a horrid dream.
Then you realise its a truth and the pain hits you again like lava from a volcano , burning deep into your soul.
It’s been over three years since we lost Livvy and while the pain still burns deep I have gotten better at coping with it, holding It in.
Yet what I still struggle with desperately is people’s reluctantance to talk about her, she has become the elephant In the room.
People suddenly change the subject or at times simply ignore the conversation.
It’s as if not mentioning her stops the pain, but the truth is it doesn’t. In fact it adds to it.
I want to reminisce ,smile at our shared memories. Talk about how much Livvy would have enjoyed this or that. Chat about the mischievous ways she had, laugh about the mischief she is getting up to In heaven.
This last week away I was allowed to do this, I was encouraged to remember. Friends shared their memories with me, we laughed, we cried, we cherished.
This week has healed me a little more.
My friends  have held me in their arms and let me remember and this is the greatest gift they could have given me.
Livvy is not the elephant In the room, she is a amazing young lady who shared our lives for such a short time, she is my beautiful daughter  who will share my heart forever.
 Until we meet again.

An Amazing Week

What a week !

How can I put into words the amazing time I’ve had.

The friendships I’ve made, the chats I’ve had. The cuddles I’ve recieved.
Again this year I was nervous for camp. Worried that the memories would overflow.
It was incredible.
Yes memories have flowed but they have been shared and cherished.
The unveiling of the Livvys tea tent was beautiful. Also the surprise Livvys tea party was a great sucess. But then again have you ever known cream cakes and strawberries and cream fail to excite.
What I have really realised this week is that I’m different, that my faith has given me strength in ways I cannot express.
Even in my heartbreak I felt peace.
In my weakness I felt strength.
In my loneliness I felt comfort.
I’m a different person.
I am loved.
This knowledge has given me the courage to invest my heart again. To open up to others and in doing so I have had an amazing time.