Do It

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It’s February 29th, it’s a leap year.

I wonder how many woman are taking the step of proposing to their partners today.

Finding the courage to ask that two become one.

It must be nerve wracking, I’m not sure I could do it. But I wish them all well.

What strikes me really is all the talk of doing something adventurous or exciting on this day that only appears once in four years.

My advice is simply this, if you want to do something amazing, spontaneous, DO IT you don’t have to wait until its a leap year.

Each day is a gift in itself.

If you want to propose to your partner go for it.

If you want to sky dive out of a plane, jump.

Climb a mountain

Race a fast car

Whatever your dream is, go for it.

Life is a crazy thing, nobody knows what tomorrow may bring.

So live each day as the gift it is.

Hug your children

Tell your loved ones you love them

Sign up to support something you believe in.

Enrol on that course you have always wanted to join.

Go for it.

Everyday should be as special as a leap year really, a whole 24 hours given to us by God to cherish, embrace and experience.

Life is a gift get unwrapping.

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Teenagers, Free to a good home

Perfected in the art of parental manipulation, temper tandems and hormonal warfare.

Will guarantee they will cause chaos at least twice a day.

Both are completely house-trained but refuse to accept it.

Will provide wardrobes but they do prefer to use the floor.

 Sisterly love is there but stays hidden for at least 16 hours of the day (the other 8 they are asleep).

Both eat well but will complain that there is never any food in the cupboards. Translated this means “no food I fancy or that doesn’t need cooking”.

They do both suffer with confusion as they often think they live in a hotel.

The two are willing receivers of cuddles but if they are offering hugs be prepared for the following “can I or I wants”.

On a serious not regardless of all the above , which I am told is the normal for teenagers they are incredible girls and I am blessed to be their mom, but truthfully SOMEDAYS.

I honestly thought the toddler years were hard, but nothing has prepared me for the battlefields of the teenage years.

I’m tired exhausted frustrated and that’s usually before they have left for school.

 

At the moment I am surviving on coffee and humour and of course the fact that I love them with all my heart.

But a teenage free retreat sounds BLISSFUL right now.

 

Investment’s of Love

I was chatting with my youngest yesterday when out of the blue she asked me why I don’t go to the beauty salon. My first thought was “do I really look that bad” but I decided with baited breathe to ask  “why have you asked that?”. 

 

It seems her friend’s mom goes attends a salon at least once a week, to get her nails etc done and she wondered why I didn’t go.

 

I explained that really we don’t have spare cash for me to go have my nails done etc.

 

“What do you do with your money” she asked in that sweet ten year old manner.

 

“It gets used for lots of things” I replied. “food, heating, diesel, clothes and of course all my investments”

 

“What’s investments” she asked

 

“It’s when you put something in and hope to get something more or different out” I explained.

 

She sat pondering this for a while then asked “what kind of things do you invest in?”

 

“That’s easy ” I replied,” horse riding lessons, singing lessons, Ice skating lessons, youth trips and so much more.”

 

“But they are for all of us, what do you get from these investments? ” she asked 

 

“My daughters happiness, I get to hear you guys giggle, watch you all grow and develop in confidence and of course have lots of  fun. For a mama’s heart that is priceless.

 

Brodie sat pondering this for a while, then said, 

 

“Mom you don’t need any beauty salon, you are beautiful”.

 

One blessed mummy x

 

Wiped Out

I have to confess I am completely exhausted. Last week started with my foster son coming down with a cold which he shared in his sweet loving and kind manner with me.

It wiped the floor with me, my loving immune system did its usual thing and lay back and left me open and vulnerable. Most of the half term holiday was spent with me lying in bed dosed up on hot tea and painkillers.

To be honest I haven’t felt that ill in a long time and I really don’t like it. It left me feeling so out of it and lost from normal family life. I hated it, I like to know whats going on and what people are up to, but last week I lost days not just hours too exhausted sleep. I was actually too tired to read, not heard off.

Anyway, I am free from the flu now (hopefully) just left with an extreme amount of joint pain and still completely exhausted. I’m finding myself needing to rest after say about an hour of normal life. NOT GOOD.

I don’t normally allow my illness to effect my life, I take the pain killers and carry on ignoring all the Doctors tips on pacing myself. Yet sometimes my body becomes my own worst enemy and betrays me.

So I guess the next few weeks life has to take a slower pace (someone please inform my children). I’m only going to do what needs to be done, the rest can be rearranged or missed. It’s going to be a strange concept for me but hey ho needs must right.

Do you struggle to let yourself heal? Ignore doctors advice when he says rest.

I’m terrible, I use the general statement of “moms don’t have time to rest”. Yet last week my husband informed me that “moms actually do need rest and are not immune from illness”. Smart butt, not nice picking on the sick woman lying in bed.

But he is right (don’t tell him), as parents we do need to look after ourselves. Our children depend on us and we are no good to them ill and exhausted.

So a new philosophy for me, I’m actually going to start trying to look after myself better. Attempting to get the recommended amount of sleep and also I am going to start taking  a daily vitamin. Maybe I will see a difference maybe I wont but it doesn’t hurt to try.

All moms need some TLC at times, let me know if you decide to look after yourself a little more, maybe we can start a TLC moms campaign.

 

Feeling Alone

I’ve just had one of the worst nights sleep ever.

My dreams were filled with awful nightmares.

Now I’m left analysing the whys and why nots of it all and my brain feels like its going to explode.

Picture this, I was in a room full with people I know but for some reason they were completely ignoring me. I couldn’t work out if they couldn’t see me or were just blanking me.

I was talking and they all looked straight past me, straight through me. This was my friends, my family, everyone.

They were all going about, chatting, drinking and having a great time but I was completely invisible to them.

It really struck home to me last night that maybe my nightmare was subconsciously telling me this is how I’ve been feeling. The last few weeks I have been struggling, overwhelmed by the sense of being alone.

It’s crazy as I have a husband who loves me and I’m constantly surrounded by my children. So how can I be feeling so alone?

I don’t know what’s going on in my head at the moment, just that it’s a rather strange place to be right now.

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The Early Days

I recently came across a blog called Sufficient Grace Ministries, is a place dedicated to supporting , encouraging and walking alongside women who have lost a child. I have found it a place where I can delve into the words of others who really understand, who know my heart.

They have a place on this blog called Walking with Grace, where others get to share stories, memories and moments of their journeys. This time we are asked to share the early days of our journey.

Here is my story, my early days…

I can remember the day like I was yesterday. Everything was planned, we were going to an ice skating competition with our daughter Eden. Livvy was well, it hadn’t crossed our mind as we awoke that morning that this day would be the worst day of our lives.

It was so early 4am in the morning, my parents had drove over to care for Kennedy, Livvy and Brodie while we were gone. All was fine but I just couldn’t leave without my kisses, it was going to be a long day I needed my kisses off my girls.

I entered Livvys room opened the doors to her bed and kissed her, she was so still, so very still.

To be honest from here on its becomes a blur I remember screaming for Alan and that we started CPR and an ambulance was called. The paramedics were working on her and quickly loaded her up into the ambulance. I couldn’t breathe, it all felt like some crazy nightmare that I was desperate to wake up from.

The journey down to the hospital felt like it was forever, I just wanted to get there and hold my baby. Alan had travelled in the ambulance but I hadn’t been allowed so my stepfather drove me.

Ushered into a small room i just sat there holding Alan’s hand for dear life, praying so hard. Please please God save my baby, save my precious daughter.

As the Doctor walked in to that room the look on her face was enough, “I’m so sorry.”

I think I screamed, I think I begged, I know I fell apart.

My baby she was only nine, she hadn’t been poorly, she had been ill before but the drs had always saved her. Please save her again.

It wasn’t to be, as I entered the room where she lay I didn’t want to believe she had gone, she looked so peaceful so happy. It was this peacefulness that brought me an inch of comfort, you see her illness had robbed her of complete peace all her life, Rett syndrome the monster.

I stroked her curly blond hair, I couldn’t get over the smile on her face. She looked so happy. I’ve offered wondered at this, knowing as I do that she is with Jesus the joy she must have felt as she walked towards our saviour. Was this the reason for that smile?

The longer I sat there the calmer I began to feel,in was the numbness, the shock hitting my soul. My heart broke there and then a piece missing never to be complete again in this lifetime.

My mind started wandering to her sisters, I had left them at home with my mom, what did they know?How were they coping? I was torn between two places being there with Livvy or going home to her sisters.

The dr then told us we had to leave, although Livvy had this evil syndrome her death was unexpected, tests had to be run.

I had to go, I had to leave. It took all I had to walk away, not knowing when I would see her again. Eternity seemed too far away.

I think I switched off more and more with each step as I walked away from Livvy. Part of my soul was dying, the old me slipping away never to be found again. I was a grieving mother, I had lost a child. Could I ever come back from this? Would I survive it?

The next days seem to just melt into moments and falling tears. I just held on to my girls for dear life, didn’t want them to leave my side. Throwing myself into research on the best way to help children face loss. I had to save their souls, they were to young to face such pain, to young to lose hope.

I needed to show them that Livvy wanted them to laugh, to love. To hold on to our precious memories and to smile at the blessing Livvy had been to our life. Reassure them that she was safe in Jesus’ arms.

Livvy had shown so much courage in her short life, I only prayed I could show a little myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three years on its still raw, maybe I didn’t allow the emotions out then, maybe it’s the way it is.

I’m confused at the theory behind the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have days of each of those, today it’s acceptance, tomorrow it may be anger. It’s a journey I never planned a life I never chose.

I hold on to the promise of eternity and to Jesus’ words. That’s my tool for survival.

It’s simply one moment at a time. Walking in his grace.

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Prom dress nightmare

Shopping its one of those things that I love to hate. At times it can be a pleasure but for the most it’s a chore.

I mean I have four girls, how long can spending hours sitting outside a dressing room be considered fun.

The endless quest for the perfect top which in the end turns out to be the first one they tried on.

I love buying for my girls but hate shopping with them.

It’s ok still with my youngest, I know still what she likes and can easily pick up items I know she will like.

But the teens don’t go there. The look of disgust when I suggest a top. If I hear “so last year” once more I may actually scream. I tend to stay quiet, nodding gently and only disagreeing when it’s either to revealing or to short. (hey these are my babies you understand).

Mostly I now just hand them the cash and send them to town with each other or their friends, bliss.

Yet that didn’t happen this week I was dragged out of my comfort zone into what felt like a living hell. A cross between toddlers and tiaras and my gypsy wedding. We went Prom dress shopping.

Now don’t get excited the prom isn’t until June and I do promise numerous photos, but it seems you have to get the dress early. It’s the done thing, so I’m told.

After a few suggestions of flowers, frills and white cute ankle socks I was told to stay quiet in a loving sort of daughterly way. You know the one, the look that says “Mom could you be anymore embarrassing”.

The quest was on, Kennedy told me the dress needed to be straight, it needed to have a low back and hopefully be in blue.

Well after what seemed like eternity in the torture zone, I was staring at my baby with tears pouring down my face. Gone was that chubby young toddler and here before was an elegant beautiful amazing young lady.

My heart broke (and not just at the price). She looked stunning, she had found the perfect dress.

I’m rather excited now for June, while I’m not keen on the whole over the top prom theme I do appreciate how hard my girlie is working on her exams and will continue to do so. If her prom is as amazing as her dress she will have an incredible time and you know what she deserves it.

As for me I am so grateful that I now have a two year break before its Eden’s turn. Though to quote Eden “I’m not going unless I can wear my converse”. Now that I understand.

My Valentine

No words could describe the depth of my love for you.

You are my soul mate.

When I look at what life has thrown at us in the last years, I know I have only survived through your love and my faith.

You are my complete opposite and I love that.

When I am passionate heading into situations heart first, head second you are they to remind me that slow and steady wins the race.

I’m in heaven surrounded by learning and books. You would rather switch off your brain watching random television programmes. I love it when I ask you “why are you watching that” and you answer with simply “why not”.

Your compassion has no bounds; your love for children is never ending.

Yet you cringe inside when someone tells you how good you are.

Your kindness when I am ill is like no other. I ask you why you care for me; you simply answer “I love you”.

Live is for living you say, worrying is overrated.

You deal with things when they happen so unlike me who like to plan and colour code my endless worries.

I’m remember our first date like it was yesterday, never had I felt so relaxed in someone’s company. I talked for hours (nothing new) you listened like I was only one in the whole world.

It’s been lovely to watch you grow in confidence the last few years building your business, your knowledge. Even though I don’t show it often enough I am so proud of you.

I love the way you discuss financial matters and talk about savings as you are ordering your new RC Car ha ha.

The way you know you have to correct the girls but hate having to scold or punish them.

Yet I also see your pain when they act out and hurt you.

Often you say “no one warned us about this part of parenting”. Yet you would fight to the death for any of your babies, I’ve watched you scream, cry with frustration but you have never given up.

My heart still skips a beat when you smile at me.

My skin still tingles when you hold me close.

I miss you when we are apart.

You complete me.

I don’t know what the future holds for us but I do know that I will be by your side.

Today you are my valentine

Forever My husband

Always my true love.

My Valentine

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Keep your motor safe – a guide for maximum protection

You’ve heard me joke numerous times about feeling like a taxi for our children; the truth is at times this is true. The family car plays a major part in our life. 5am starts for ice skating, motorway miles for competitions and that’s before you add the usual school runs and youth groups to the mix.

I couldn’t imagine trying to survive without our car it is rather important to me especially as my illness can leave it hard for me to walk any great distance.

So when Sainsbury’s  Finance offered us a chance to share their advice on Car protection I willingly agreed to do so.

 

 

Keep your motor safe – a guide for maximum protection

 

Treating your car to a wash, rinse and polish can fill you with pride and satisfaction, but there are many other ways in which you can care for your vehicle. There are a number of steps you can take to improve your chances of trouble-free motoring; giving you the peace of mind that you’re doing all you can to protect your pride and joy.

 

Happy car, happy driver

 

Simple, regular maintenance of your car, such as checking oil and tyre pressure, can reduce the chances of a costly problem further down the line.

 

Get into a routine of carrying out regular simple checks across your vehicle.

 

Under the bonnet you should be checking oil, coolant, brake fluid, power steering fluid and washer fluid, topping up and/or replacing as necessary.

 

Outside of the car, check your tyres for air pressure and wear. Monitor wipers for damage and get any chips in the windscreen treated. Also check all your lights are in full working order, replacing bulbs if necessary.

 

With all these checks, consult your car’s manual for guidance, or speak to a mechanic if you need further assistance.

 

Preventing problems

 

Having your car damaged on purpose can cause a lot of upset and anger, so remember some simple rules on reducing the chances of vandalism: park your car in busy, well-lit areas. Keep your wing mirrors folded in and aerials down to avoid tempting vandals.

 

Car theft can cause even more stress and frustration, so it’s important not to make it easy for thieves by leaving your keys in the ignition or in a place where they can be easily stolen. (Likewise, don’t leave valuable items in your car.)

 

Car insurance

 

No matter how much you care for your car or take steps to prevent it being damaged or stolen, you need adequate car insurance cover  if anything goes wrong.

 

Consider a good car insurance policy as part of your overall care of your vehicle, and try to strike a balance between cost and getting a good selection of features and extras you might need if you have to make a claim.

 

Even if you don’t have any problems, the insurance can give you peace of mind, along with all the work you put into looking after your vehicle.

 

Thank you Sainsbury’s for your advice, I have certainly taken on board (no pun intended) a lot of it.

Parachute belief

I signed up without a second thought.

Excited about the learning.

The fellowship

A chance to spend time with God.

A lover of courses.

I didn’t expect it to feel this way.

Imagine jumping out of a plane and needing belief to be your parachute.

You can’t feel the weight on your back, no straps across your shoulders, no pull cord in your hand.

Believe it’s there and you are free.

I was sure I understood.

Jesus died for our sins,

Yet inside I was thinking ‘why would he die for me’

God loves you.

“why or how could you love me”?

Free falling

The ground crashing quickly towards me.

I am saved by the Grace of God

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Join Bonnie over at Faith Barista as she is “Unwrapping Love”