The parent’s guidebook didn’t warn me about this.

Being a parent isn’t easy. Yes you can buy books that guide you through conception to adulthood. Yet they don’t prepare you for the emotional impact of parenthood.

From the first moment you see this precious little thing you are determined to protect from all evil. To cherish and love with all your heart.

Fast forward 13 years that cute adorable bundle of love is screaming at you. Shouting that you are determined to ruin their lives. The question i ask myself daily is where did I go wrong?

Others have their opinions, my mom tells me I spoil them to much. My husband tells me I do to much for them. My mother in law tries to convince me all teenagers are like this.

Maybe they are all right.

I know I spoil them, I grew up with little I wanted them to have so much more.

Yes I do way to much for them, again I didn’t want them to have responsibilities like I had.

Yes teenagers are stroppy and moody it’s the influx of hormones that invade their bodies.

But the truth is my girls, my teenagers aren’t the one with the problem ( well maybe a few). I am.

When my daughter screams she hates me. My heart breaks, I take her words as gospel. I don’t see the teenage angst I just see she hates me.

I wait patiently at times for me to screw up. I accept that’s who I am.

It’s pathetic I know, I guess we would have to dig back to those childhood times to find the source of my issues but the truth is I am who I am.

And I really need to get over myself.

I need to accept perfection in motherhood is a myth. Maybe I have spoilt them, indulged them but one thing I do know is that I loved them with all my heart.

There does come a time when you have to step back at let them make their own mistakes. You cannot protect them from the lessons of life no matter how much you want to.

There is going to be times when my daughters hate me but I know there will be more times that they will love me.


I feel so guilty

There’s been something on my mind the last few days and I wasn’t sure if I would have the courage to write in down let alone post it. But I want to be accountable to myself and my writing who wants to read a blog full of false perfection. Life is far from perfect for anyone.

I digress, purposely I think as I’m still holding back.

As I posted on saturday we have had a blissful few days at the seaside. Yet as I was playing in the sea with the girls I felt overwhelmed with guilt. For years I had to sit on the side of the beach watching the girls play. As Livvy couldn’t cope on the sand or in the heat. The reason for my guilt was for that spilt second I enjoyed the freedom.

How awful am I. I feel so evil.

Don’t get me wrong I would give up any minute on any beach in any ocean for my beautiful daughter to be here with me. Yet I enjoyed the freedom to relax and play with my girls.

I felt so ashamed of myself and told Alan who told me to give myself a break. I wasn’t wishing life without Livvy just acknowledging that life was different. I still don’t know how to feel. All I know is that I would give anything to have her back.

As the poem says,

“If tears could build a stairway
and thoughts a memory lane
I’d walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again”

Home sweet home

What a blissful, few days. We have just returned from a caravanning holiday in South Wales, Rhosselli and it’s been great. The sun was out for three perfect days where we got to sit on the beach, play in the sea and build sandcastles in the sand. The kids have laughed and played and also slept which was blissful by itself. We also got to spend some wonderful time with friends.

I have been struck by many things over the last week. Firstly I think we need to move by the Sea. The feeling of calm I get when I watch the ocean it just fills me with a peace I can’t find elsewhere. Just watching the waves energies my very soul.

Secondly I love the stars. One thing I dislike about living in a built up area is I never get to lie outside and look at the stars. Sitting outside on the campsite I got to chat to Brodie about the windows in heaven. Then as we just sat cuddling a shooting star flashed across the sky. A memory made forever with my baby.

There is also nothing more beautiful than standing watching the sun set over the ocean. For a long time as I stood there I felt heaven was within reach. That Livvy was at the end of my fingertips. I felt such harmony at the connection between heaven and earth.

So now I’m home with a caravan that needs cleaning, two big bags of washing and a new school year to get prepared for.

I’m glad to be back but I hope my inner peace will stay around for a while. If not I better start planning our move.






School Holidays Rock my 2nd guest post

I hope you are enjoying my School Holidays Rock blog posts with my first awesome guest post from Nicki over at Curly and Candid.

Now it’s time for the next instalment. Please welcome Pippa from A Mothers Ramblings to my blog. Enjoy her post and don’t forget to check out her great blog too.

The summer before Top Ender started school I was on maternity leave (as I was expecting Big Boy) and so Daddy and I took her out of nursery and Top Ender and I spent our time together. There was a heat wave that summer and so we spent a lot of time in the garden wearing our swimming costumes and dipping our feet in the paddling pool to keep cool. We spent long summer days with me reading books to Tops, colouring in pictures, finding out everything that she loved, playing with her dolls and doing all the things that families should do together. As soon as Big Boy was born he joined our lazy fun days and together we carried on learning more about each other. To us the theme for our Summer holidays was set, they were something to look forward to, time together to relax, to spend together as a family and time to have fun.

I hate when I hear other parents complain about the summer holidays, that they are too long or that they don’t know what to do with their children during all this time off. I don’t understand how parents don’t look forward to the time together, the chance to re-connect and to strengthen the bonds between each other. Sure the length of time stretching out in front of people could be worrying but it’s not as if they don’t have any time to prepare or if they haven’t been given any warning that they are coming!

Every Summer since Top Ender started School, we have created a list together of things that we want to do, places we want to go and things that we want to learn together. This list is something that we add to all through the year, it might be that we want to picnic by a lake, or have a water fight in the garden or even just have lazy days where we don’t get out of our pyjamas and snack all day. We look at the summer holidays as time to do all the things that we have been dreaming about, thinking about and things that we will remember during the colder Autumn and Winter months.

We develop a new routine during the summer holidays, we have a different rhythm. It’s not that we dislike our school time routine, it’s just that it is more rigid. We can pretty much set our own times during the Summer Holidays for everything and as long as we achieve what we set out in our to do list then we are happy. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love the Summer Holidays because for us here at A Mothers Ramblings it is time for us to be together.




Many thanks to both Nicki and Pippa for their great guest posts. 

School Holiday Rock Guest Post

How lucky am I, while I’m in sunny Wales I get to hand my blog over to two amazing bloggers. My first guest is Nicki from Curly and Candid   enjoy her guest post and don’t forget to check out her blog xx

School Holidays
I adore school holidays! Oh throw eggs at me if you will, but I do! I can’t believe how quickly Kieran is growing. He has finished his first year at school and will soon start his second. He is shooting up, not just in size but he is like a sponge and soaks up experiences and information so quickly and easily…. he is maturing! By the time term ends I am more than ready to have my boy at home, and it’s great to see Kieran and Taylor 8m playing together all day.
By the time Kieran comes home from school, gets dressed and does any homework and plays for half an hour, it’s teatime. Then before we know it, time for reading and bed. Weekends are great for quality time but the long summer holidays for me are magical.


We can stay in our PJ (sorry postie!) until lunchtime, or all day is we want!
We can take off at a moment’s notice with just the baby’s bag and a picnic!
We can (and do!), get to the park for 9am when it opens and run around like noisy children (yes me included!) and not have to share any of the equipment!

We can have water-fights in the garden (sorry next door’s cat!) while Taylor shrieks with laughter from the travel cot I bring outside!

We can go away as a family, enjoying trips to Thomasland, the beach, local outings or just walks out – me and all my fellas!
We can walk to Daddy’s work when it’s sunny and surprise him! We can all sit on the grass and eat lunch before myself and the boys continue on to the nearby train station to do a bit of trainspotting.
We can built whole cities made of lego and use our mini-men to act out stories (I’m always the bad guy!).
We can get wellies on and jump in puddles.
Or (one of my favourites)…
Instead of jumping out of bed for showers, breakfast and out to school / work, we can all get into bed together to tickle, laugh, tell stories and sing until our tummy grumbles tell us it’s really time to get up!

Why do I think the school holidays rock, because we get 7 weeks of uninterrupted family time. You just can’t beat that!!

Nicki Cawood, Freelance writer and blogger at Curly&Candid






School Holidays Rock

I’m aching, emotional, hoarse from shouting and ready to fall into bed early most nights. Yes its school holiday time.

But do you know what School Holidays Rock!

I’ve got to paint, play hide & seek, eat snack food and generally have an awesome time. Best of all I’ve got talk, laugh, play, cuddle with my children.

School holidays give us freedom from routine and lets us just be. We get to just chill out, relax and have fun.

Of course it wouldn’t be so special if it wasn’t limited. Also my bank balance couldn’t cope with all the days out if it 365, but school holidays are just enough to make it special and affordable.

As a family we are lucky, we have a caravan and we save for holidays and days out. Though sometimes the purse strings get a little tight and we have to find more economical ways to have fun. The reality is we just enjoy being together as a family.

This year has been a little different, the teens have wanted to go their own way a little more but all in all once they are away from their peers they forget about acting like cool teenagers and relax and remember fun has no age restrictions.

I love spending time with my family and to be honest I’m shocked that we are already over half way through the holidays. Note to self finish shopping for new uniforms.

I have enjoyed every minute. Yes it’s been tiring even frustrating at times (did I mention I have teens).  But every day, every moment I get to spend with my children is a gift. They grow so quick and what I’ve learned the hard way is you can’t turn back time.

Hope you are enjoying the holidays and remember they are only children for such
a small time. Enjoy, embrace and make memories.

I am so convinced that School Holidays Rock I opened my blog for some guest posts. Pop back tomorrow to read how another awesome family are enjoying the holidays.

Don’t forget feel free to join in and let me know why you think School Holidays Rock !!!!!

I don’t care what people say.

I don’t care what people say it doesn’t get easier. Time doesn’t heal. The pain doesn’t lessen. The only thing that changes is the way you cope with the anguish.

You train your mind to move elsewhere have an arsenal of thoughts, ideas to distract you from the deep burning ache within your soul. The tear across your heart that hurts so bad.

Just tonight I found myself chancing across a photo
I hadn’t seen for a while and my heart broke again into a million pieces.

Its strange that only earlier today i was talking about the need to keep my mind occupied that any down time leaves space for the memories to come flooding in. The fact is I don’t need space, my daughter is in every thought,every breath I take.

In a few hours I will take flowers to her grave. I will stand there feeling empty and broken. The flowers are all that I can do, keeping her resting place pretty. I don’t believe she is there anymore yet I need it to be pretty.

Then on Sunday I will pack for my holiday still feeling the emptiness of her missing. Going through the motions knowing that nothing will ever be complete again. Nothing is how it truly should be.

I don’t live it the past, as I’ve said before that wouldn’t be fair on my other girls. What I will say is I live in the now, in the future aware a piece of me is missing.

Somedays I pretend. I convince myself she is at school. It’s easier when the girls aren’t with me but when we are all together the pretence doesn’t hold.

I sound depressing don’t I. I really don’t mean to. I’m not this way. It’s just those moments when my resolve crumbles and I break. I’m angry at the world and life is pretty dim. I let the tears fall and the grief loose out of soul. Then ten maybe twenty minutes later before the girls see my tears I pull myself together and carry on. What choice do I have really.

I’ve said before I still find it hard to believe that your heart can break but your body carries on. At times against your will.

So this post has been written in one of those broken ten minutes. The tears are falling and my heart is aching. Soon it will be time for me to pull myself together but as the girls are safely tucked away in bed. I may just let myself be for a while. Drop the act, scream at God and just generally grieve for my beautiful daughter Livvy who left to soon.

For those who say time heals that’s the biggest lie. Time just means more time without the one you love.