The Labyrinth of my mind

All this week I feel I’ve been on a battle to the depths of hell. The inner demons have been wrestling my soul. Nothing has brought me peace.

I have been evil. I could use the excuse that I’ve been sick with the flu but while this may be one element of the truth the reality is a much bigger picture.

I do not understand the way I have been feeling my mind is like a jigsaw and the answers are in the missing pieces.

My grief is overwhelming yet this is not all the reason for my pain. Sometimes I really just don’t understand this world, don’t understand people.

Any reader of this blog will know my faith is a big part of my life yet even though I love my God, I trust in Jesus, I still feel like a searcher.

Yet searching is exhausting.

I haven’t been to church much since the end of last year and the reality is I don’t know why. The people are lovely the sermons are great yet at times I feel that I am going through the motions. I don’t want that, I want to feel my faith. I want it to touch my inner soul.

The fault lies at my feet yet how do you fix when you don’t know what’s wrong?

Maybe it is just the general chaos of life. Things have been changing our life has changed.

I have read about people losing their faith yet I don’t feel this is what I’m saying. My love for God is as strong.

This is so hard to explain. It’s like I can’t listen to music on low I have to immerse myself in the notes the beats feel the vibration in my heart.

I writing this wondering if I will ever post it. If you are reading this then I guess I have.

I don’t know what the answer is to be honest I haven’t a clue what the question is.

The labyrinth of my life.

Sometimes……

Sometimes ,Enough is enough

Sometimes.,I don’t want to play nice

Sometimes,It hurts

Sometimes,The pain nearly destroys me

Sometimes,I want to give up

Sometimes,I need to fight

Sometimes,I get frustrated that you can’t understand

Sometimes ,I would never wish you this pain

Sometimes ,It feels like a beginning

Sometimes, It feels like the end

Sometimes, It’s the missing

Sometimes, It’s the loss

Sometimes life makes sense

Sometimes, it doesn’t 

Sometimes, I trust 

Sometimes, I lose faith

Always I love you.

Grief is a funny thing and for me it’s been a journey of emotions. Three steps forward five back. 

I go from happy to sad quicker than any sports car. 

People ask what is it that makes me sad? How can you explain it? Unless you are there with me you can’t understand. 

I don’t want people to understand I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

For me I get the added element of guilt in my grief. My daughter suffered from a devastating condition that caused her daily pain. Yet I wish her back to this life. What kind of mother am I?

I get frustrated with people who see me moving forward doing things, fostering, laughing with my children then say something like “. You’ve done well to get over it”.

What!!! Get over losing my child, be real. You never get over it you learn to hide the pain, to live life the best you can with that broken piece of your heart missing.

I spoke to another bereaved mother and was also reading get words and again was filled with guilt. How could I be grateful that she really understood my pain as understanding means feeling it.

The desire to run away from the world. The overwhelming urge to save our other children from any pain, having they suffered enough already. 

I get frustrated with myself when I can’t be a good friend. Well people turn to me for comfort and I just feel like saying “is that all you’ve got to worry about”. This isn’t who I want to be, yet sometimes people take what they have for granted.

It’s been over two years since Livvy died and some days the pain feels so raw it feels like only yesterday. 

I am moving forward yet i refuse to leave my daughter behind. She is with me in everything I do. 

I am who I am due to my children. I can’t explain, measure my love for them. From the very first moment my daughter was laid in my arms I knew i was meant to be a mother. The greatest job in the world.

I will always be a mom of four daughters.

Sometimes this has to be enough.

Sometimes it’s one day and a time.

Sometimes faith keeps me strong.

Sometimes it doesn’t.

Always I have Hope.

We will be together again.

Think before ……

I want to hide, no that’s not true maybe move to a commune somewhere with like minded people.

I get exhausted by drama, by people who can’t agree to disagree. Those who won’t respect other opinions.

I used to love a good discussion but now it exhausts me.

I read comments on facebook and at times I am really shocked at the venom in some of them. Would they really say thinks like that to your face or do they feel cocooned in the virtual world.

At times the lines got blurred now they are crossed and never redrawn.

It’s scaring me. I wonder if people realise the impact of what they write. Harsh words are bad when you replay them over and over in your head. Seeing them in black and White and reading them over and over Is worse. (my opinion).

Now don’t get me wrong this isn’t happening to me, just my observations of a few groups, people on facebook and twitter.

My family tell me I’m naive, the desire to live and let live. Maybe I. am but the loss of Livvy changed me. In a way I was enlightened. I realised what truly mattered in life.

I wish we could realise the power of our words, myself included. Think before we speak or write. Is this argument really worth it. Am I crossing the line. I may not agree but I can respect.

I know my commune idea isn’t valid I do love life’s diversity. But being different doesn’t have to mean bring cruel.

I know I’m going to think twice from now on.

It’s simple really!

“Do unto others as you would have others done unto you” Matthew 7.12

Why I don’t like Valentine’s day

Valentines day is one of those days that really bug me. People declaring their love, buying gifts, treating their loved ones to nice meals.

Why ???I want to scream.

Not why the declarations of love?

Not why the nice gifts?

Not why the meals ?

Why only on one day of the year.?

I love my hubby 365 days of the year. I hope that on each of those days he knows that.

I love treating my family to little gifts at unexpected moments when the surprise adds to the gift.

As for meals out, no fancy restaurant compares to a family meal.

I could get all high and mighty about the commercialism of the day. The way flowers double in price, I won’t.

The thing I worry about is why people wait. You love someone tell them now. I’ve learned the hard way that memories wait for no one. Grab the moments with both hands, never be in the position of saying ” I wish I had told them how much I love them, how much I care”.

Whatever the date, wherever you are. Live , love and laugh.

Time with my baby

Yesterday was one of those days I am truly grateful for. With one child at contact, two teenagers doing their own thing. I got to spend some quality time with my baby.

Maybe I shouldn’t be calling her my baby anymore, next month she will be in double figures. Something she is ready for but I am certainly not. She is growing up so quick and I really want to slow time down. Regardless of her age Brodie will always be my baby.

It may have only been Sunday lunch out but for me and her daddy it was special.

We got to hear about school, she isn’t to happy there at times as she has such a loving heart and gets upset when people aren’t nice. We are just trying to help her realise that we can not really change others but we can set an incredible example.

She was in giggles over valentines day. Bless her she has a different boyfriend every week but at nine it’s still cute and innocent. She asked me what daddy and I were doing, if we had brought cards etc. I explained that we don’t really celebrate it we tend to focus more on our wedding anniversary. She told us she was going to make her husband do both.

Then we did some stationary shopping. My girlie is just like me for getting excited over pretty pens and notebooks.

It wasn’t an exciting day but for me it was perfect.

I love having a large family but one to one time with each off my kids is so special.

Sometimes the most extraordinary is found in the ordinary.

Facing up to facebook.

Last week I had the honour of being a speaker in a conference which had been sponsored by the fostering company I work for Progress Care Solutions and BAAF.

The title of the conference was “Facing up to facebook”, yet the reality was it was a lot more than discussing social networking sites.

The impact of the internet to the world has been intense yet for me no more so than in the way it has affected my children.

Gone are the days of face to face conversations we can keep in touch via, email, texting, chat sites, instant messages and of course social networks and probably loads more that I have yet to understand.

The world we interact with has increased a hundred fold. I remember when I was a child the only way I could talk to my friends in another country was either by expensive phone call or by post.

Now my daughter can chat to an old school friend in Australia in seconds.

I believe the world we interact with has increased but reality our world has become smaller due to electronic communication.

So is this advance in communications a good thing? Well regardless of personal opinions the reality is that it’s not going away. Networking sites like facebook, twitter etc are here to stay.

I personally believe that they can be great things, but as a parent and foster carer I am filled with horror at the way our children are leaving themselves exposed.

One of the main concerns I have is that there is a need for honesty in the whole business. We have to trust that whatever someone has written on their profile is the truth. Unfortunately like in all aspects of life there are people who lie and will abuse this. We have already heard the horror stories of girls going to meet 14 year old boys only to find themselves face to face with 45 year old predators.

What I took from the conference was that along with the internet, social networking sites the predators are here to stay.

So what can we do? Some may suggest completely banning the children from being online, but we know kids the more we ban something the more exciting and interesting it becomes. I also believe that we have to realise that our children are going to grow up. We have to accept this and help and support them by teaching those skills that will enable them to keep themselves safe.

One of the other speakers at the conference was a lady from CEOP the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre. While what she spoke about was frightening, she had a lot of incredible advice.

Check out the CEOP website for more information it really is worth a visit.

It is no surprise to you all how much I love social networking, what surprised me was how naive I was.

Two statics stayed with me from this day.

15% of girls think its ok to send or post nude pictures of themselves.

45% of girls think it is ok to post topless pictures of themselves.

I was nearly in tears hearing these numbers. Society has really changed and as parents we have more responsibilities than ever.

While I do believe the internet is a fantastic tool for my children to use, I will be beefing up my security settings, but mostly I will be educating my girls the best way I can., by being open, honest and understanding.

Being naive is not acceptable in this advancing world!

Missing and devestated.

What a truly terrible day. I received phone call off my sister. My mom had been walking her two dogs, Tip a Jack Russell and Noodles a miniature Jack Russell.

Well whilst walking along the canal my mom took a tumble and in falling lost hold of the dogs leads. The dogs sensing their chance for freedom bolted with terrible results.

Tip was hit by a car and died on the way to the vets. Noodles is still missing.

As you can imagine my family are devastated. The dogs are members of our family. Mom is wrecked by Tip’s death as she always saw Tip as Livvy’s pal. They would cuddle together on mom’s sofa, cherished memories.

We have contacted local kennels, dog warden and everywhere else we could possibly think of searching for Noodles. Can I ask for prayers that she comes home soon?

One of the places we contacted was Birmingham Dog’s home and for a while we were hopeful as they had received two Jack Russell’s in today.

So off we went with hope in our hearts. My mom stayed in the car, I am so glad she did. Besides the disappointment of Noodles not being there, she would have been heartbroken at the amount of abandoned dogs that filled the kennels. Alan and I counted twelve that had been brought in today.

So besides asking for prayers for my family and the safe return of Noodles, I ask for prayers for the fantastic staff at the rescue centre and for new families for the dogs.

Also if you are considering a new family pet please check out your local rescue centre. I saw many adorable dogs waiting for new homes today.

I need a BFF

My daughter asked me today “was I sad because I don’t have a best friend”.

Let’s me honest when you are nine best friends are a daily occurrence, they also change as often as your socks. But I do wonder how many of us go into adulthood with a bff.

Now I’m not after sympathy I know I do have many good friends. Yet I can see why my daughter was concerned.

Do I do girly chatty phone calls. NO.

Shopping trips NO.

Lunches. NO

Girly weekends. NO

I have spent the rest of the day thinking on this. I could blame a lot of things, raising children with special needs, working full-time with my husband.

These are just excuses though no real reason.

Maybe I am just isolated by choice from the world of BFF’s.

As the day has worn on I’ve realised that I do need to work harder on friendships. I actually would like a best friend(now that reads sad right!).

So guys how do I go about it? BFF applications on request. Maybe not.

I think I need to look closer at the invites I receive. The texts I forget to reply to.

I do hope It’s not to late for me.

Stepping out in faith

Stepping out

I sometimes wonder where I am going in life.

At times I make plans then something comes along and they all change. They become out of my control, out of my reach.

I confess at times my life has felt out of my control.

How often have we come to points where we think we know best then find out we didn’t. What at first seemed like a disaster turns into a great achievement.

I’m quite a cautious person, I like to have a Plan A, Plan B and at times even a Plan C. I get into a right panic when my plans get changed.

Yet I wonder how life would have been if others hadn’t stepped out in faith.

If Mary had said “no thank you God not me, I can’t be pregnant.” If the disciples had said “sorry Jesus I’m just going to stay being a fisherman, I can’t come with you.”

I have to learn how to step out in faith!

 To be perfectly honest I don’t think God is too impressed with my plan B’s. God wants us to journey in faith; he wants us to trust in him and the unknown.

I need to mature in faith.