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How I do life? 

I sometimes wonder about how I do life and if I’ve got it all completely wrong.

You see life hurts like crazy at times,

It soars to great heights and then to some truly awful lows.

Its scary and it’s so raw that I wonder why I do this to myself?

You see it would be so much easier if I didn’t open my heart so easily, if I shut down my emotions. If I stopped walking forward heart first and allowed my head to take the lead now and again.

I love to love but loving can leave you sore and damaged and burned. Yet for some crazy reason even when scorched I still love forward.

Am I my own worst enemy?

I know this sounds crazy but for a moment over the Easter weekend I wanted to be a post office attendant.

I was there in my local town post office picking up a parcel and as I normally do I got chatting to the people around me and the lady serving me. When I asked her if she had plans for the Easter holidays she replied with a massive smile “no”. She was planning on finishing work going home and doing nothing just relaxing for a few days. She was so excited and looking forward to having nothing to do and right then and there I wanted to be her. Now let’s be realistic here I don’t know this lady. She may have a stack of issues to deal with and life may be far from perfect but in that moment I wanted to be her. I wanted to do nothing.

I wanted to do nothing 

Think nothing 

Worry about nothing 

I wanted to have a job which I could leave at the office and come home and do nothing.
As I thanked the post office lady for my parcel I smiled and walked away actually thinking jammy cow. I was actually peeved at the woman for not having to do anything.

I was jealous at her and frustrated with myself.

Why don’t I make life easier for myself?

How do I get myself here?

Why do I may the choices I do?

As I walked away from that post office I found myself laughing at myself, giggling at my reaction.

I reminded myself that yes whilst I may be completly exhausted at times, I am never unfulfilled.

That whilst often my brain feels like it may explode, one smile from my children can make it all seem worthwhile.

Thats whilst I honestly have no idea how I got where I am, it feels right.

I do hope that post office lady had a weekend of rest and relaxation and I hope it was exactly what she needed, mine was very different. It was hard, tiring and at times to messy but it was mine and it that it was perfection for me. 

I may not choose the easy pathway in life but i know I have chosen the right one for me.

Yes I may crave a day of nothing now and again but I will never swap my life for another.

Because somehow my life became perfect for me. 

Perfection in Wales 

Holidays scare me, I’m in a place where things are out of my control. I read reviews over and over again making sure im not wasting the money we pay. I also have to trust that the place in which we are staying is clean. It’s not that I’m a clean freak but having a complex child requires a certain level of hygiene. 

It’s partly this and a few other reasons that we decided to invest in a tourer caravan. Firstly we could go where we wish but also I could have some control over my environment (control freak much). 
Anyhow these last few days we have been  on our maiden voyage testing out our caravan. We didn’t want to travel too far from home for our first trip whilst we found our feet, so a trip to North Wales was planned. 

We stayed on a lovely site called Plas Farm and when I say lovely I really mean it. From the moment we pulled on to the site I was relaxed. It was obvious that they hold themselves to a high standard because even in the middle of the Welsh countryside the grounds were spotless. We were running late as per normal for us and the reception had closed but thankfully we had already received a call from the site and we knew which pitch we had been allocated and where to find the key for the disability facilities. As we pulled up to our pitch we couldn’t believe how beautiful it all was, we had spectacular views in all directions. The pitch was well set out and it was easy for us to set up.

 My girls have an obsession with toilets ever since they were little they have had to check out the loo’s and like myself they have high standards when it comes to peeing. There was no disappointment, the toilet block was spotless and I don’t mean just clean I mean spotless. The showers were immaculate and the set up wonderful. They even had free hairdryers which was a welcome addition. 

Honestly our stay at Plas Farm was amazing. Nothing seems to be too much for the owners. They were so helpful in all ways.

We had a wonderful four nights enjoying the peace and quiet. The boys slept so well, I even managed 8 hours one night. 

We had an amazing time exploring North Wales we visited Rhyl a place I had loved as a child. It’s changed I think or maybe I have. Some memories shouldn’t be revisited or maybe some are a little too tied up in pain. 

A trip to Llandudno was a welcome one, I so love this town, it was such fun to introduce my boys to the pier. It was too windy for the cable cars so obviously we must return in the summer. 

On our last day we took a drive to visit The Glassblobbery a chance leaflet pick up in Tesco let to a Facebook obsession and real need to visit and we certainly wasn’t disappointed. It was incredible watching Dave make a giraffe from a stick of glass. Watching it come to life in front of you. Even my big boy enjoyed it and that says a lot. I fell in love with many items and was so lucky that Alan treated me to a beautiful drangonfly. I am now planning a new order. The Glassblobbery is certainly worth a visit. 

All in all for our maiden trip it has certainly wetted our appeitite for more. I cannot wait for our next adventure.

Be your own hero

From the moment I saw this top I knew I had to buy it for my son. In fact I wished it was in bigger sizes for all my children. You see I always tell my children to be “there own hero”.

I’m not talking about Batman, Superman flying through the air fighting bad guys kind of heroics.

I’m talking about being the best people they can be in their own lives. Doing their upmost to be the best versions of themselves.

I want them to shrive for more.

I don’t want them to live their lives just doing enough, I was them to always do more.

I believe in life we always have two choices no matter what we are facing. To walk this journey with grace and compassion or to be angry and resentful.

I cannot promise my children the perfect life, it doesn’t exist. Everyone, everywhere has their own personal struggles. Its how we deal with these struggles that defines who we are.

I remember vividly a discussion my husband and I had after losing Livvy. We could allow ourselves to fall into despair and the pain of grief or we could honour Livvy by living our lives fully.

I want my children to live fully, love fiercely and be their own heroes.

The world is there for the taking,

Whatever career they choose I want them to work at being the best in their field.

The friendships they make, may they honour their friends by being the best friends they can be.

Whoever they love, may they cherish and respect them with their whole hearts.

`Never give anyone or anything second class effort.

Right now this world is becoming a scary place to be, the rise of hate is frightening. May my children stand up against this hate with love. May they never treat anyone unfairly and may they always honour themselves by the way they treat others.

May they always be their own heroes.


I was sitting down last night wishing I could tweet anonymously so I could be completely honest with the world. That I could stop pretending that everything is ok and just be true. But then I realised that the whole concept of hiding isn’t truth. 

Sometimes I find this world so hard to understand and to fathom. It’s as if people don’t want to see others happy and enjoy in hurting and harming. It often feels that the selfish need of one is always more important that the needs of many.

Maybe I am as I was once told too emphatic?

Maybe I need to find a way to switch of my compassion. Or maybe I just need to find a peace between my mind and the world.

Does that sound crazy? It could, but sometimes I feel as if I am from another planet. As if my connection to this world is weak and failing. 

Oh my goodness listen to me, connection to the world how far out do I sound. 

But let’s be honest, isn’t the connections we make in this world part of our own definition. We come into this world connected, a son or a daughter born to a mother and a father, connections. Are we a sibling, a niece and nephew. Connections form from the moment of birth without any really effort on our behalf. 

Inheritance of birth is connection

These connections are our foundation, what forms us. Whilst we may not follow or at times understand the beliefs, reasoning of our parents but it’s these connections that educate us to grow, to question.

Friendship forming new threads of connectivity within the world. School pals, work colleagues and so many more.

Some connections are brief and tenuous whilst others become lifelong and strong.

Yet every connection defines us in some way. The realisation that we are not alone in this world comes with what should be the realisation that we are also responsible for others.

Yet this is the internal struggle I am facing right now. The endless battle that my mind wages against the world. 

How and why can suffering happen? 

How and why do people allow it? 

Why does it feel like humanity is losing the world to greed? 

I’m tired of being faced with selfish behaviour some my own.

I’m exhausted with people holding money over life.

Judgement not compassion.

Control not freedom.

Bigotry not acceptance. 

I want to hide away from it all right now. Behind the anonymity of untruth. I want to not care for a while. To not worry about the feelings of others. To be selfish but free.

Yet I know I cannot not, because as much as I want so desperately to find peace in my mind it’s never going to be found in untruth.

I have to venture on, somehow finding a new place of truth whilst desperately seeking a way to find harmony for my mind. 

Any suggestions? 

Trolling should be a criminal offence.

I love the internet, it has widened my world more than I could have ever imagined. I have met and become friends with people that wouldn’t have come into my life without the wonderful world wide web. I have experienced friendship, support, advice and so so much more.

Yet in the mist of all this positivity there are some that use the internet just to be idiots. They hide behind their keyboards to insult, mock and bully. They are cowards in the worst form.

I personally have received some vile emails and comments, people mocking the death of my child, my size, my life. They have crawled out of the their pits of slime to abuse, insult and tear me down. Their words have hurt and scarred.

But who do I get angry at?

They hide behind user names and false identities.

Did I mention they were cowards?

Thankfully Katie Price has decided that she has had enough. After years of her severely disabled son Harvey being mocked and bullied online she has started a petition calling for online abuse to become  a criminal offence. I stand behind her 100%. Whilst she may live her life in the public eye this never gives anyone the right to abuse her  or her child like this. No one has that right ever. Yet here on the internet these trolls, these cowards are free to continue their evil without any comebacks. This has to change. Please join Katie and stand up against these trolls, sign her petition.

We need to make a stand against the horrific abuse people are facing on a daily basic. Racism, homophobia, sexism and so much more. This isn’t a question of free speech its hate in the purest form. It’s time to say enough, sign the petition and also email your MP and ask them to support this and lets get this discussion happening in parliament. Lets bring these cowards out into the open and make them accountable for what they posting.

Shortchanged Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day the day of the year where my children get to spoil me and make me feel special. A day they have always enjoyed, excited to celebrate me.

So why do I feel like I’m letting them down on this day? 

You see Mother’s Day is hard for me, as much as I love my kids to their very bones and know how special it is to have a new son to celebrate it with this year my heart still aches for my missing piece, my beautiful Livvy. 

I hate that I feel that I’m shortchanging my children. 

That my smile may not actually reach my eyes. 

You see days like this that are about family and love , but sometimes it just drives home how far away Livvy is. 

You see grief doesn’t play fair, it won’t hide away when you want to celebrate. It won’t stay buried when you want to feel joy. 

Grief is mean and jealous. 

I used to think grief was something I could work my way through. 

You can’t

Grief doesn’t allow you freedom to leave.

Why does grief have to cast its darkness on a day that should be filled with light?

Why am I struggling this weekend?

Why should today be any different? 

Why does this day have to be so painful? 

Because it is Mother’s Day 

And I’m a mom 

A mom who cannot hold one of her children.

So what it’s the weekend

Seriously it’s official if I see one more TFIF status today I may just lose it. 

So what it’s Friday that doesn’t automatically mean that tomorrow I get to do nothing. No tomorrow I will still have to get up to do medications and nappy changes. My back will still ache from lifting and if we follow on from our current evening schedule I will also still be sleep deprived. 

Oh it’s the weekend so that means my big boy is off and that brings me the joy of chasing him around and saying “please leave alone” every second for two days. 

All joking aside, ok moaning aside I do appreciate the end of a normal working week and that for many tomorrow and Sunday are days of relaxation but seriously stop rubbing it in. 

Please think of us exhausted parents those like me to who the weekend is just another day. In fact the weekend is actually a little harder as school does give me a little respite. 

I absolutely love my life and fostering a child with special needs is a great job but the reality of it is that it is 24hr, 7 days and week and 365 of the year. Being a mom of a complex needs child means exactly the same. So as a mom and foster mom of both I may be slightly shattered. Though as we enter the weekend of Mother’s Day I am so thankful for my boys. It just means at times I just have the urge to strangle those who write TFIF. 

Can today please do one

Ok it’s official I’ve decided I don’t want to grow anymore. I’m not talking my ever increasing waistband, I’m talking soul growth. That everything happens for a reason and that life isn’t about the challenges but how we adapt and grow with them. 

Whatever (cue the full eye roll here) 🙄

Not everything happens for any special, wonderful, soul enhancing reason sometimes life just sucks and people are officially idiots. 

I’m so tired right now it’s crazy and my patience is left somewhere in the middle of last week.

I’m frustrated with people who haven’t or aren’t doing their jobs correctly so that I am left struggling or playing catch up or in one case completely devastated. 

I’m angry at teenagers who strop and annoying husbands who should simply know better. 

I’m exhausted with the constant battles and chasing of services and equipment and I’m desperate for five minutes peace and quiet. 

Add to this the sweet old lady who informed me that special children are only given to special people i honestly feel ready to explode. 

You see I’m not special, right now I’m a miserable impatient, short tempered whiny cow who really just wants the world just do want one and leave her alone. 

I don’t want to look for rainbows or the joy in the moment I just actually want to wallow in self pity and maybe just maybe get some sleep. 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day but right now I really don’t give a damn. I’m tired, aching and just want today to be over. 

Today can just do one. 

To scared to voice my dream

Have you ever wanted something so desperately that you actually cannot voice your desire?

That the fear of hearing the words outloud is so scary that your stomach does flip flops.

That when people tell you to release your hopes into the universe it feels like a gigantic scam to make your world tumble down.

This is exactly how I have felt about the adoption of my new son. That if I actually shared the ins and outs of the situation it would actually explode in my face, my heart.

It hasn’t been helped by social workers who should have the words “hopefully” and the statement “it should” ripped out of their practice handbook. The hedging of their bets or professional distance is nothing but frightening for an adoptive parent. 

We need to hear “of course” or “it will“.

I honestly feel as if I have been walking on eggshells this last year. From the moment we decided we wanted to adopt our then foster son my heart feels as if it has been ripped out of my chest, trampled on then replaced. It’s been hard and the reason I haven’t really shared this journey here is simply because I couldn’t voice my fear. 

I couldn’t allow the inner demon inside my head any space here on this platform. It was doing enough damage inside my head.

“You aren’t good enough”

“Adoptive parent, you, ha really”

“It’s going to fail”.

The adoption process isn’t easy, I guess it shouldn’t be. The assessors actually have the lives of children in their hands. They have to probe, explore, question. 

“How did you feel when this happened?”

“How would you cope with this?”

And the big one

“Why adoption”?

Your answers of course have to be the truth but I have woke night after night with fear that my truth wasn’t enough.

Thankfully, my truth was enough and last week we found out that the judge has signed our adoption order and in a few weeks our boy will be our son.

I cannot tell you how excited I am, how much it matters to call him mine. I am simply on cloud nine. My heart feels full and I’m sure I haven’t stopped smiling since I heard the decision. 

I may not be able to write down our complete adoption story yet. It’s still a little too raw and it’s not actually at the end point yet. I still now wait impatiently for the date of our celebration hearing and my heart will still probably jump at the delivery of the morning post for a while yet.

But I will state this here, our adoption journey has been hard, we have cried many tears, had many sleepless nights and had way too many stress headaches. 

Yet I promise you this, every stinking moment of this chaos and fear has been worth it, my son, he is so completely worth it. 

Help, my mind is going to explode.

Oh my goodness it’s official my head is going to explode this week has been both physically and mentally exhausting and it’s not over yet. 

I really need to find ways to relax and quiet my mind because right now it’s running in messy mode.

I’m not sure if it’s just being a mom but I’m so tired of being expected to have all the answers. It’s as if I must be the encyclopaedia of life, the walking diary and literally the fountain of all knowledge. 

I’m actually at the end of any level of patience I had. 

Is it a mom, a wife thing, where we automatically assume the role of social secretary, diary planner and of course filler of all paperwork or is it that I’ve just created a living nightmare for myself. 

Take my husband for example he sees the passing on of a message to me the end of the subject. I will either note it in the diary, return the call or sort the situation out. The fact that he probably knew the answer at the time of the question is not lost on me just that he never seems to think about answering the question himself. Never thinks about opening the family diary arrahh.

I’m just so so tired, I do not have all the answers and I certainly cannot be all things to all people.

What I would give for a nice day of relaxation. A spa day with deep massage and complete pampering.

A day where my mind can be my own, anyway that so isn’t going to happen so I’m turning to you all. I need ideas on how to get my mind some peace. Techniques to reduce my anxiety and find some calm.